For whatever reason, one of my least favorite sayings when it comes to marriage is “yes dear.” It’s popular that husbands give this as advice for newlyweds on how to have a good marriage. I don’t disagree that there are times to just go with the flow and agree with my wife. There are plenty of times that I go with the flow and agree with her. I disagree that the #1 most important thing a husband can do in marriage is go with the flow. There is more to having a good marriage (happy and prosperous) than just saying “yes dear.”
Perhaps there is an association between “yes dear” and “happy wife, happy life.” Having a happy wife is extremely important in marriage. One of our duties as husbands is to help our wives. It is important to help our wives achieve their goals and get where they want to be in life. One key point that I think is forgotten when stating “happy wife, happy life” is our own happiness as husbands. There are times where what we need to do for the benefit of our marriage isn’t fun, but we should strive not to sacrifice our happiness for the sake of our spouse’s. We are a team working together for a common goal, and if one of us benefits at the demise of the other, I think we are losing. On the other side of the equation, the goal of the wife should not be to demand work and things from the husband at his expense.
As an example of this, if we spend all of our money (our collective income) and time doing things to please our wives it can have a negative effect on our relationship. The way that it can have a negative effect is IF our wives don’t show gratitude or appreciation for our efforts. I enjoy doing things for my wife that make her happy, but there is a limit to where it can become work. I don’t work for my wife but do things I want to do so that she can achieve her goals. We are joined in marriage to be a team, not a master and servant. I enjoy doing things for her to make her happy.
Giving = Happiness
From my perspective, marriage is a balance. There is give and take, but if there is not give from both sides, the balance becomes shaky. I’m not saying that there is equal give and take because that’s not true. I believe that in a marriage we give without keeping score because we will never be even. Just to reiterate that idea, we will NEVER be even. If we keep score, we will more than likely be upset with how much our spouse contributes. It appears to be better to strive for goals together without keeping score because in the end we are in this together.
We can see this same concept when looking at all concepts of our relationship. If we focus on what we are owed, we will never be satisfied. The reason that we jump into marriage is not because there is something in it for us, but what we can accomplish together. There are advantages to being married that can primarily relate to one of us, but they are not the main focus.
“Yes Dear”
I find it more useful at times to instead of say “yes dear”, to say “why dear.” Instead of just getting to know what my wife wants or needs, I can further learn about her. Maybe she wants a cookie or to go out with her friends. If I just said “yes dear” I could be missing out on conversation or a moment to deepen my relationship with my wife. I like to use the times where we want or need something from our spouse as a time to grow our relationship, instead of just being a complying husband. I am a complying husband (at least I try to be) most of time, but I enjoy knowing why my wife may want certain things.
I don’t ask “why” because I don’t trust my wife. I ask because there’s a reason why we ask each other questions or have requests. I ask my wife all the time if I can buy things for hunting and fishing expecting her to ask why I need to buy it. She knows more about why I own things than other people because we ask questions. If I were to tell her, “Hey, I’m going to buy these fishing rods” I would expect her to ask why I need them. The amount of money that will go into that venture could or will change our finances. Our finances affect both of us, so she has the right to know.
So go out there and ask your spouse questions. Find out why, where, and when. Ask them what their aspirations are in life and what they dream of doing. Deepen your relationship and work together to help each other achieve their goals. Don’t let the conversation end with “yes dear.”