Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. All of us have felt this at some point. Whether we get sick or have a family member pass, there will be a time when we are not happy. And that’s ok. When life is going well and we are on the ups, the downs can hit us hard.

My wife has had hard experiences during her life that have crippled her mentally, and made it hard for her to complete daily tasks. She is tough, but not invincible. Recently she made a post on social media that I think is worth sharing. The female perspective is different on these topics than mine, and that’s good. My wife feels and notices a lot more in some aspects than I do.

My wife is amazing and wrote this really well. She has been having a lower time in her life, though things are going well. Some of the frustration for her seems to come from where we are in life. There are a lot of decisions to be made and she feels like we are kind of stuck. Read the following message from her and see if you can relate.

“This is important. Pay attention.

What does depression look like to you?

I want to be honest. Like really honest. My timeline is full of happy pictures. Smiles and love. Family and friends. Next steps in my medical school journey. Memories of good times. That’s all great and life is full of wonderful moments…

But.

Life also has valleys. Times of sadness, anger, frustration, worry, and fear.
And when I find myself in those valleys, they just seem a little deeper and a little darker than others.

“Aleena, why are you sad?” … I don’t know.
“Aleena, why are you mad?” … I don’t know.
“Aleena, let’s go out” … maybe another time.
“Why aren’t you reading?” … I don’t want to.
“Why don’t you take pictures?” … I don’t have the energy.
“Let’s take a walk.” … I don’t know if I can move.

“Well if you don’t know, then why stay sad? Why stay angry? Why worry?”
…
I don’t know.

And I’m being honest. I don’t have an answer for these questions.

Please know I know that God has a plan for me. Please know that I know that there is good all around me. Please know I know it doesn’t help to focus on the negative. Please know I know it’s not productive to worry. Please know I know my God is in control. Because I know all this. It doesn’t change the fact that the valley is still deep and dark and it will take me time to climb out of it.

I’m so excited for each new rotation. I’m so excited to pick my specialty. I’m so excited to be an aunt. I’m so excited for the holidays. I’m so excited for Jacob and I’s next steps. I’m so excited for our future, my future.

I know things will get better, but right now, it’s about surviving. And surviving is enough. Surviving is good. Surviving is the first part of climbing out.

Please don’t worry or freak out. I’m ok. I am loved and taken care of. As my husband told me today, I have an army behind me ready to help and I am thankful for every single one of them.

So. If you happen to find yourself in the deep, dark valleys… I see you. I understand.

And I’m here. For the car rides. For the coffees. For the smoothies. For the silence. I’m here. And we survive together. We climb out together.

This year has been tough on all of us. Check in on each other. Realize that sometimes words can’t describe how someone is feeling. Just be there. That’s enough. And remember, valleys can’t be valleys without the mountain tops. You just have to keep moving forward ❤️

With love, Aleena”

My Learnings

I hear from my wife when she has had a bad day, week, or month that she doesn’t want to do much. It’s not easy for me to communicate with her because I tend not to get a response. I choose to make the decisions for her and nudge her to come with me to get out and avoid just sitting on the couch. I find it beneficial for her and it helps me to better understand her.

I’m still learning how to help her and handle these low points. My goal isn’t to make her happy instantly, but to make sure she knows that I am here. I try to make sure that she knows she is safe, loved, and things will get better. I have found some success in taking her out on a drive or to a park. Getting her mind off whatever she is thinking about and more into explaining and talking to me seems to help. It can be hard for her to talk, and hard for me to understand but it is beneficial for both of us.

Take time to listen. Take some mental notes and find some strategies to keep your spouse happy. Find what they need, which may not be what they want. Be patient, kind, and cautious. Use this time to learn about your spouse and do your best to be there to help them.