Tag: Stress (Page 2 of 4)

The Veermans

October 28, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Something that I admire in people is their willingness to take on life changes when it is going to be hard. It can be difficult to squeeze life events into schedules during medical school, but not impossible. Medical school consumes the lives of the students seemingly taking away (or delaying) different life opportunities. Not all students feel this way, but it appears to be this way for a majority of them from my perspective.

I have noticed there are quite a few single people looking to date during medical school. There are a few that meet their spouses during medical school and get married. I am not 100% sure, but I would guess that an even smaller number of couples get married during medical school. It can appear to be better to wait until after medical school, but not to Brent and Karyn.

Brent Veerman and Karyn Schmidt met each other during medical school. They met early in Karyn’s medical school career, and dated for about 20 months before getting married. This timeline currently puts Brent is his 4th year of medical school, and Karyn in her 3rd year. They got married on October 17th, 2020 which wasn’t long ago. Though they have been married for less than a month, they appear to be doing great. I have not heard any complaints, so it seems to be good so far. It takes some time to get used to living with someone, even your spouse. They are both great people with a long and happy marriage ahead of them. There will be more to come in their married lives, but I am primarily going to focus on their dating lives.

Daily Schedule

Seeing as both Brent and Karyn are medical students, it was difficult for them to tell if they were missing out on time together with their schedules. While dating there weren’t many times where one was free and the other was busy. Their schedules tended to align fairly regularly. Karyn doesn’t really see what they could have been missing, but it appears to be because they were so busy. Both of them enjoy cooking, and intend to keep cooking together after marriage. Cooking is a task they enjoy together and it gives them time together, and a meal. From my experience, taking time to cook a meal can build quality time together. I remember talking to Brent about he and Karyn cooking some different items, like potstickers, and how much he enjoys spending time with her.

One thing that seemed to weigh on Karyn while dating was the inability to have a lot of real dates. Real dates would be considered a time where she can go out with Brent to a nice meal, where they can have good conversation. They get to spend time together, but Karyn would prefer to have more time to go on dates. She hopes to have more of these opportunities now that they are married. From my perspective, Karyn enjoys making memories with Brent. It is unfortunate when we don’t have enough room in our schedules to get the amount of quality time that we would like.

Now that they are married, there will be changes in their daily schedules. One huge advantage that I can see is the fact that they get to spend every night together. One burden that I felt while dating was dropping my wife off at her dorm, and I know Brent and Karyn feel that as well. They have also experienced this because Brent and Karyn chose to put themselves in the same position while they were dating. It can be more expensive to live apart paying rent for two different places, but it’s worth it in my opinion. Getting to spend that time in the evening (and morning) with your spouse is one huge advantage for people when they are married. Being able to see your loved one at the end of each day makes a positive impact in their lives.

Stressors

From Karyn’s perspective, one of the biggest stressors for Brent has been choosing a specialty and where he would like to go for residency. This is a very common stressor that I have heard from medical students. One thing that makes the decision hard for Brent is he is one year ahead of Karyn. Depending on where he picks, and is chosen, they could be apart for one year while she completes medical school. It is difficult to balance making the choice between where to go and how far he will be from his wife.

Karyn chooses to help him handle the stress by talking through the stressful situations. This should allow Brent and Karyn to collaborate on big choices. They can put their minds together and share their viewpoints on the decision, which should help them make the decision with less stress. This is going to be a difficult decision for them, but not impossible. I know that I prefer to talk through stressful situations with my wife to make sure that I am making the right choice.

Brent enjoys working out and relaxing with his friends or roommates to handle stress. As everyone might know, exercise is a good stress reliever. That being said, exercise doesn’t relieve all stress on someone’s life. Karyn hopes that being married will allow them to spend more time together and in turn, lessen some of the stress in their lives. This has been the case for me, and for others that I have spoken with. Having someone by your side through your hardships makes a huge difference in the amount of stress accrued.

Extracurriculars

Brent and Karyn don’t have a ton of free time, but they work to make time for personal health. Brent works out regularly and enjoys playing intramural sports like basketball when possible. Karyn works out regularly on her own or with friends, but also spends time doing physical activities with Brent. Some physical activities that they enjoy together are tennis and mini golf.

Brent enjoys taking time for construction and crafting projects. I know that he enjoys doing these things, and I have invited him multiple times to my house to assist me on my projects. He has helped me work in my house, and we have worked on some projects of his as well. He was trying to find something to give Karyn as a wedding gift, so I offered him help so that he could build her gift. Brent spent a lot of time building her gift, and it’s amazing! Brent crafted a live edge maple and epoxy coffee table that will last them for years.

Karyn and Brent both enjoy traveling. Karyn has taken trips to Florida, Maine, and other places during medical school. They have gone on some trips and camped together, occasionally with Brent’s friends. Not really something I’m into, but Brent and Karyn are brave enough to have gone skydiving together! They trust each other a lot, and are enjoying the thrills of life together.

Satisfaction

Something important to keeping mental stamina up is enjoying the task at hand. Karyn knows overall Brent is enjoying his experience in medical school. Enjoying where he is in life will help him to work hard and feel satisfied. Karyn and Brent are able to have conversations daily recapping their experiences. This is something that I have found is much easier after marriage. In my opinion, it’s not hard to have a phone call to recap the day, but it’s a lot better in person. Being able to have an in-depth discussion recapping the day makes a difference in mental health. There are different events that happen during the day that take a toll on medical students. Patient condition, patient loss, and school work are common stressors. Talking about these things helps to reduce stress and can help to have more satisfaction in their work. Karyn is in a more unique situation when compared to me in my opinion. Since she is also a medical student, she can further relate to Brent when it comes to medicine than I will be able to relate to my wife. This offers a new perspective and will help them relate and converse with each other when it comes to medical field experiences. I don’t think that her situation gives a clear advantage over my situation, but it will be more beneficial is some aspects.

Finances

When it comes to students, finances tend to be a simple subject. Most students are forced to live off of loans due to not having income. Brent and Karyn are both medical students, which makes their financial situation tighter than mine. Medical school does not allow them any time during the year for a job. This is different than undergrad, which typically has summer vacation (time to make some money). They are currently living off of assistance from their parents and student loans. Without having steady income from a job it can be harder to live, but Karyn doesn’t feel this way. She feels that they are very fortunate in their lives financially. Part of the blessing is only having student loans through Brent. Paying off his loans will be their main focus as they progress into residency and the workforce.

Final Thoughts

Brent and Karyn put a significant amount of value on spending time together. I know for a fact they try to spend evenings and church together. Free time is hard to find, but they are trying to make it work. They are working together for a common goal, and helping each other along the way. I find this very useful because good mental health can be difficult to maintain with all of the strain becoming a doctor. They are open with each other (especially now that they are married) and can lean on each other when they are struggling. It can be difficult to make big life choices, and they have been working together on communication for a while.

They got married recently and will do great things in their lives and the medical field. As doctors they will work through good times and bad times together. They are able to relate to each other on a deeper level in their personal and professional lives. Valuable skills will be learned through these similarities and differences that they can pass to their kids. Brent and Karyn will be able to raise them with all the intuition and knowledge they have gained during these Med School years.

Getting married during medical school isn’t easy with the demand for time and commitment. Brent and Karyn are showing us that is it possible! Hopefully you (as the reader) can learn tips and tricks from their relationship, and implement them in your life.

A Day for Eternity

October 21, 2020 / Jacob Brown

After attending the wedding of a friend I began to think about some different concepts of marriage and misconceptions from society. I also began to think about the close friends that the bride and groom have in their lives.

The groom had one of his long time friends as his best man. I didn’t ask, but it may be his longest relationship with anyone outside of family. From what I remember, his relationship with his best man has lasted more than a decade. His friend has been there in his life since they were kids, and they have been close ever since. The bride had one of her family members as her maid of honor. This has been a lifelong relationship with lots of ups and downs. They have travelled together and comforted each other in times of need. They have taken care of each other for around two decades! That’s a long relationship and nearly all of their lives. Both the bride and groom have very close friends, which is awesome and will help them for the rest of their lives.

Legal Matters

Marriage, from a legal sense, is a binding contract tying people together. When we got married we went down to the court house and obtained a marriage license. We could have been married on the spot as long as we had a witness and person licensed to marry us. That would have been a lot cheaper, but not as fun as getting married surrounded by friends and family for a ceremony. When the paperwork is completed (and the marriage is consummated) both persons are tied together for life. That is the case unless it is annulled, divorce occurs, or one person dies.

Silk Sheets

When I got married I did not feel as if I had as tight of a friend group as my friends who got married recently. It was awesome seeing how both of them, the bride and groom, have had friends for all or nearly their entire lives. I’m not exactly sure of the cause, but I had a hard time with friends during my childhood. I had more friends while I was younger and that quantity reduced as I neared college. This seems to be normal for most everybody, but it caused me some issues when I was trying to choose groomsmen for my wedding.

Leading up to my wedding I struggled to find people to fill my spots for groomsmen because I didn’t have a lot of friends. I made my best man my older brother, and another groomsmen my younger brother. I had two spots to fill, and was left trying to decide who to choose. I ended up picking a couple great guys that I competed with in track. This worked out good for our ceremony, but I don’t talk to either of them today. We just weren’t that close. My wife chose her best friend at the time to be her maid of honor, and she still talks to her and hangs out with her on occasion. Some of her other bridesmaids were my sister and a couple other friends.

I am amazed and impressed by how close our friends are to their friends and family. They have people investing deeply into their lives, and have people they can talk to or help when they need it. As the header suggests, have a wedding party like “silk sheets.” Show those closest to you that you appreciate them and they are big in your life. They are almost, or are, like family to you. Keep it tightly knit.

Name Changing Game

Traditionally the woman will change her name to take the man’s name when getting married. This isn’t a requirement for marriage, but I am appreciative that my wife chose this route. In recent times people have contributed the name change (and marriage in general) to being a form of ownership over your spouse. I’m not really sure how people arrive at this, because to me this is not the case. We changed her last name and fulfilled the long time running name changing tradition. If it were traditional to change my name to match hers, I would in a heartbeat. For me, the change takes the cohesiveness of the relationship to another level. Here are some of the things I think about when looking at name changing after marriage.

When your names match, people can say things like: Oh look, the Brown’s are here!
Having the same last name shows unity and trust.
Having the same name includes everyone in the family. An example is if my wife and I had 4 kids, more than likely they would have my last name. My wife would be singled out with a different last name.

Keep in mind there aren’t any rules, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s all personal preference. Personally I enjoy having the same last name, but that doesn’t work for everybody depending on their view or place in life.

Unifying Tendencies

The average age that people are getting married is becoming later in life. So why is this? Are people too busy? Have they not met the right person? Marriage isn’t for everybody. There isn’t anything that says people have to get married in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. That would be crazy! It is interesting to me many people are putting it off until later in life.

I think one big influence is a societal acceptance of common marriage benefits. These have been pushed to become “normal dating relationship” benefits. Understand my use of “normal relationship benefits” means they are expected or at least are not looked down upon as much anymore in our society. This doesn’t mean that the different practices are beneficial, but they are more accepted.

People used to, and still do, wait until marriage before having sex. This has grown to become a benefit of dating in a lot of circles and is almost expected.
People have begun getting joint bank accounts together while dating. This did not used to be a common practice, and appears to have risen recently.
People move in together before marriage. This used to be a taboo practice, and has now become normal and is widely accepted.
We have a movement of people becoming single parents. We used to hold both parties more accountable and expect them to be there for their child or children.

The list above is comprised of things that I have noticed. Most, if not all of them, have factual evidence to prove that a relationship started in that manner will not be as successful when compared to couples that can abstain. It can be difficult to keep ourselves living separate lives when we want to be close, but it can make or break the relationship in the long run.

Final Thought

To finish out this post I would like to leave the idea that marriage works best as a selfless act. Yes we should look at the other person from what they can provide to our lives and relationship leading into marriage, but we should work in our relationships to benefit the other person. This is probably one of the most difficult concepts to practice, and to me one of the most important.

The First AHEC

October 14, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Being away from your spouse can be hard. After being married for a few years people tend to grow accustomed to being around their loved one and living a certain lifestyle. My wife and I are experiencing this for sure now that she is learning at a location too far to commute.

AHECs (Area Health Education Centers) allow the medical students to learn from different doctors in different locations. The students are able to find locations that they may want to participate. There are a lot of these programs available, so keep an eye out. Some of these locations are rural, which is where my wife is currently stationed. She is currently staying in a small hotel that is provided by the school. It is nice that we don’t have to directly pay for her to stay at a new location as it is worked into the tuition fees. Paying for her to stay in another city for a week and a half could be pretty expensive for us as well. She is at a small town near Willard, OH working one-on-one with a physician. This doctor works in the internal medicine field at a clinic and is also a hospitalist at a nearby hospital.

Being apart from each other is something that my wife and I have not had to experience regularly. It can be difficult not having dinner together, preparing for bed, or waking up next to each other. This is something that we have grown accustomed to, but we can still be in communication with each other even when at a distance. We have some of the greatest inventions of our time for communication including video chatting. It is nice to be able to see the face of our loved one as we have a conversation and can really help lift them up if they are down.

There are some things that my wife and I are doing to help her keep motivated and more comfortable. My wife took her pillow, which might seem weird, but being able to have a similarity in your bed can help sleep better. She took different snacks and food for breakfast so that she doesn’t have to rush in the morning. These are also the items that she usually enjoys. She drove a new vehicle, which should be more reliable and make her feel more comfortable making commutes.

We have to see the benefits of these kinds of situations.

New medical field experiences.
Experience new medical procedures.
Build independence.
Get your name out there.

It is a new experience, which can make it scary or discomforting. You might be in a hotel that doesn’t meet your standards or have to drive further than you want. This experience will help you learn to fend for yourself and become a better physician.

Keep In Mind

You are going to have new experiences. This is a new situation, so make the most of it. Be prepared (clothes and supplies) for the clinic or hospital in which you are working.

Do what you can to avoid becoming lonely. When you get home from work you may be alone, which will make it different than normal. My wife is used to me being there, and I need to make sure that she feels I am still invested.

Relax and have fun. You are going to experience some new people and procedures.

Step 1: Test Day

October 5, 2020 / Jacob Brown

The road to taking the Step 1 exam has been long. The Step 1 exam is the test that pushes students into different specialties for residency. Depending on the score that the student achieves, they can only go into certain specialties. Based on this information, it’s pretty easy to see why a medical student could get stressed out. It may also be my wife’s biggest challenge to this point in medical school. She takes the Step 1 exam tomorrow, October 8. She has worked so hard for this and I believe will do an amazing job.

She has been studying (this time) for a little over 3 weeks. The last time she attempted to take the exam before it was cancelled due to COVID-19, she studied for 12 weeks. That was a long duration of studying and being alone. This time, she is doing much better. It is a shorter study period but she has a lot of the knowledge from studying previously.

I don’t have a circumstance from my education that I can compare to the situation my wife is in with Step 1. I never had an exam where I needed to study for a month+ at 8-10 hours per day. It is a hard test, and the amount of time given to students shows the vast size and importance of this exam. It looks like it will be 280 questions, which seems pretty huge to me! Not only are there a lot of questions, it is a grueling exam that lasts 8 hours.

The studying that the students experience has to be challenging enough to prepare themselves for this exam. There are online study aids, books, and practice tests that help them prep. My wife has had access to all of these, and has had her nose in them now for 3 weeks. Personally, I don’t know if I could stay focused that long, which is why I think my wife is pretty amazing. She has been able to stick to studying and stay focused as she prepares for this exam.

When someone studies this much for an exam, it can be hard for them to do things like cook meals or clean the house. There just isn’t enough time in the day. So, I try to make meals and ensure she has drinks and snacks while I’m gone. I try to get fun things for her like juice, pudding, jello, and applesauce. It is kind of childish, but it makes a difference in her mental state consuming fun foods. After all, I view this stage of life as a team effort and the more that I help her the better she can do.

Encouraging Words

You are going to do great things. Relax, do your best, and conquer this exam. You have spent weeks preparing for this exam, so trust and be confident in yourself that you know what you are doing. This test was made to challenge you and you have trained to succeed. The greatest things in life challenge us to rise to the occasion, and you will be triumphant. You will pass this exam. You will become a doctor.

To All Medical Students

I applaud all medical students that make the venture to become doctors. It is a hard road, and there are major milestones that are a great challenge. If you are taking your Step 1 exam October 8, 2020 (or another date) good luck to you. This is a hard time in your academic career, but will be rewarding soon.

Step 1: The Time Has Come

September 30, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Previously I wrote about my wife preparing for the Step 1 exam at an earlier stage of COVID-19. Her test date had been cancelled and was rescheduled for October 8th, 2020. The date is coming up quickly, and my wife has been doing amazing studying. She has really been sticking to her goals and trying to meet them.

Once in a Lifetime

I’m not sure that it has ever happened, or will again, that a student will be given this kind of arrangement for taking the Step 1 exam. My wife previously studied for her exam, and the date was pushed back. She continued to study as the date was pushed back again until it got to the point that it was cancelled and rescheduled. Typically the students study for about 6 weeks leading up to their Step 1 exam. My wife had studied for 12+ weeks in the previous go round, and has now studied for about 3 weeks leading up to her October 8th testing date. So in all, my wife will have been allotted 12+ weeks of dedicated study time for this exam.

Combatting Negative Ideas

Studying for an exam for this long takes a toll on a persons mind. Most of their time studying is spent alone. It can be hard to stay positive when you are left to your own ideas, while practicing for an exam getting feedback on your knowledge. The practice exams and study material that my wife uses gives feedback on correct and missed questions. It can be a downer to get on a streak of incorrect answers, but it is crucial to stay positive.

We have talked quite a bit about how she can stay positive. I figured it would be worth listed some of the ideas, in case you are in the same situation. Not only does this apply to medical school, but I think it applies to college and life in general.

Take breaks to relieve stress.
You have gotten this far, and it wasn’t on accident.
Find joys in life. Whether it be a favorite food, or a hobby you can look forward to after you complete your exam.
Set a goal for studying, and use any additional time for yourself.
Stick to what you know. You have studied for hundreds of exams, do what works for you.
Push back against the pressure. This is a big test, rise to the occasion and don’t fear it.
Get a good nights sleep. It’s ok if you sleep in, as a well rested mind will treat you better.

As you may be able to tell from my list of advise, I played sports. Most of my words of encouragement seem to stem from football and track. This isn’t a bad thing, a lot of what is pronounced to us in sports can apply to other aspects of life. Other things that we have done to help combat stress and worry is taking a little bit of time off for a couple hours each weekend. We have spent this time playing disc golf, taking walks, or going on a date.

The Home Stretch

As we near the October 8th date I can tell that she is a little nervous. She definitely has the right to be nervous about something this large. This one test depicts what type of doctor she can be for her career. This is real life. They aim to put a lot of pressure on each person with this one exam, and they have to succeed. It is by far a harder exam than anything I have seen elsewhere. There is no second chance, and if you fail you are placed below your classmates that passed. That being said, we are trying not to dwell on that information because she is going to do awesome. She has a brilliant mind, and a heart that drives for what she loves.

Final Thoughts

When things have gotten hard, we have taken the time to step back and look at the bigger picture. The other day we were talking about some changes to her study habits to keep her mind off of a score. You will perform better if you do your best, and don’t focus on a score. You can’t control the outcome, but you can be triumphant with your input. This test is hard, and the studying may be even harder, she will get to see after her test date. She has been really working to stick to a schedule and keep motivated. There has not been a lot of time for self-care lately, but the time will come soon.

She is the one taking this exam, but I feel like I am working on it with her. Making meals, trying to clean the house, and helping her to relax makes me feel as if I am contributing to her success. We are a team, not opponents. We should be working together to lift each other up and should not ever looked to tear each other down. Help your spouse when they are working in hard times, and you both will be rewarded.

Chores Save the Day

September 23, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Though I am extremely terrible at them, I do fully understand that doing chores around the house can take a load off my wife’s mind. She appreciates when I do chores, like washing dishes or laundry, and I enjoy doing them for her. Doing chores for your spouse can completely change a bad or stressful day into a relaxing evening.

Dishes

My wife enjoys being able to come home to a clean house. Not only clean floors, but not cluttered. I tend to get a lot of stuff out because I like to do projects and cook. At times, we end up without any silverware and a sink full of pots and pans. This is when I know for sure that it is time to do some dishes.

Keeping the dishes under control helps to keep our house clean, and our kitchen uncluttered. It can be hard to do anything in the kitchen when the countertop has been overtaken by grimy dinnerware. So, I try to keep them under control so that my wife doesn’t feel that she needs to do them. Not that she can’t do them, but I don’t want her to feel obligated to do them when she is busy studying.

We have an under counter dishwasher, so loading it and starting it is not a big deal. I usually do at least one load per week to try to maintain them. I cook nearly everyday, which definitely makes them compound faster than if we dined out more often. If you don’t have a powered dishwasher, it is good to find ways to be efficient at washing so that you have more time to spend with your spouse.

Laundry

When we moved into our house we brought a new washer and dryer with us. We bought them for a couple main purposes.

Save time
Save money
Ease of use

Having a washer and dryer has saved us a lot of time and been fortunate enough to have a space that allows us to have our own machines. We tend to start a load when we are going to leave and will return later, after going to a park, and switch the clothes to the dryer. We are able to spend more time together as a result to not needing to leave our home to wash and dry our clothes.

I put save money on the list because we save money on each load that we run. That being said, we did have to buy the machines and they are not giving them away. At about $1,200 for the pair, it would take a lot of washing clothes at $10 per run. If it were 1 load per week it would take just over two years before breaking even on the machine purchase cost. We have had them for over two years as of now, so we are now in the black.

Ease of use is a given. We don’t have to pack up all our dirty clothes and travel to a laundromat. There are things that wash better at a laundromat due to their large washers, but we usually manage doing everything at our house.

Cleaning Floors

This is probably the chore that I do best. I don’t do it very often, but when I do I am world class. I tend to leave picking up random items to my wife and I will vacuum the house. I prefer to use hot rod type vacuum cleaners, but the ole broom and dust pan also does a decent job.

I tend to sweep our kitchen with a broom before wet washing the floors. Food tends to wreak havoc on the floors and will need to be cleaned wet instead of just sweeping. I don’t do this a lot, but should because the floor surface is so much nicer afterward.

The Takeaway

My main point is that when I do chores it lessens the stress on my wife. She can work on schoolwork or come home from the hospital and doesn’t have to feel like she needs to do a bunch of work. She tends to feel stressed when things are cluttered at home, so keeping the home tidy keeps her calm. I don’t have a tendency to keep things organized, but have been working on it. I have been working on it with our home furnishings and have been trying to be more organized with my tools and recreational gear. It will take time, but maybe someday I will finally be trained.

The Toppling of Pecuniary Unity

September 2, 2020 / Jacob Brown

If you are married or are looking to get married, you might be wondering how to avoid conflict in your relationship. I would venture to guess that most people do not enjoy arguing with or upsetting their spouse. We like to get along and work together to accomplish goals, not tear each other down. One way to avoid having large confrontations or arguments is to get ahead of them. You can do this by talking through topics that could and will cause arguments in the future, and getting on the same page together.

There are a lot of reasons that couples fight, but there are a couple major ones that seem to resurface if not resolved. One of those main topics is money. Money is an odd thing here in the United States because we operate with Fiat Currency system. This means that our currency has no backing, no real value. We used to operate on different standards, some of which are silver and gold. The metals have value and are useful, but we do not back our money this way anymore. Oddly enough, the reason that a $1 bill is worth $1 is because we choose to believe that this is the case.

To further grasp this idea, I like to imagine a broken future state of our country. The economy has crashed, stores have closed, and people are left on their own. Someone approaches me and asks me if I have any food that I could trade for one of the goods they have obtained. I have to protect and feed my family, so I choose to trade them a chicken for a package of seeds. The seeds have value to me because I can plant them and wait for harvest, gathering more food and seeds in the process. This will keep us alive and my family healthy. But what if I would have traded my chicken for a stack of $100 bills? I could probably use them for starting a fire a couple times, but they are not of any great value to me for my survival.

So why are we attached to money? I think one major reason that we are attached to money is due to the fact that we as humans like stuff. We like to have nice cars, houses, clothes, and electronics. We like to have nice watches and big TVs that we can show off to our friends. Money is the gateway to these things. Yes it is true that we need money to survive in today’s society, but it shouldn’t be everything that we are working toward. If our life is centered around things like money, it can cause issues that spread to other parts of our lives. What can we do in our marriage to avoid conflicts pertaining to money?

Open Joint Accounts

I believe that as married people we are to become one, and share everything with each other. I do not condone having separate bank accounts in a marriage. The main reason I do not like the idea of separate accounts for spouses is it creates secrecy within the relationship. Just like when we were kids we thought “secrets don’t make friends, but friends make secrets” was true, it is relevant today. Secrets and keeping information hidden that is relevant to the spouse can drive a wedge between you. It is also important to note that there is never a state of perfect equality in the world, and that is also true for spouse financials. One spouse will always make, spend, save, invest, or give more money than the other.

I did a fair amount of reading online to see other perspectives on this subject. Oddly enough, there are not a lot of writers out there supporting joint accounts. I went to my search engine and looked for “Should my spouse and I have a joint bank account?” and was surprised to see the top recommendations to read. The first three results talk about how to merge accounts, then the results turn into why we should not have joint accounts and the question of which is better, joint or individual? I will leave it to you to read, but the information given has one common theme. It is centered around “me” and most of the reasons lead to divorce. A popular reason to have individual accounts is, “when you get divorced, it is much more complicated.” I would hope that by choosing to get married you are not looking at it with anticipation of an upcoming divorce. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that needs your full commitment to function and thrive.

I understand that one spouse may be working providing income and the other may not, as in my case. A couple may be in a situation where both are working providing income at the same or differing rates. Having separate accounts in any fashion raises questions to me. Why is the one more entitled to money than the other? Why would the non-working spouse need a separate account or an allowance from the working spouse? If we are to be “one” with each other, how can that be if we are keeping things separate? The answer is that we can’t. We can’t be together and fully trust in each other if we have separation.

If it deals with money, make sure that both spouses have direct access. Some major accounts that we have are 1 checking account, 2 savings accounts, a credit card, and an investment account. Both of us have access and can see everything that is going on at all times. We also use a money management app that allows both of us to see our student loans and any other debt.

On a checking account or credit card account, make sure that both spouses have a card, and communicate what they are going to purchase. This may seem redundant or burdensome to continue to talk to your spouse every time you to make a purchase, but it is important in being transparent with your spouse. What happens if one spouse has their pay going into their account, and not a joint account? If the other spouse does not have access, the spouse depositing money is not really sharing. They are providing money to their spouse or family as a ration, or when they want to. It is usually an indication in a marriage that there is a lack of trust between spouses.

Are you worried that your spouse will overspend? I think that this is a common situation between spouses that pushes them to want individual accounts. They feel that their spouse does not have the self control or good money management skills, and would prefer that they don’t take their money. This is an issue that needs to get worked out another way as it can’t be solved by creating a barrier in your relationship.

We can overturn the argument for having separate account very easily by adding a baby to the situation. Who will buy diapers? Who will buy food? The baby is technically a 50-50 split between mother and father, so are you going to track expenses and make sure each parent spends exactly 50% of the cost to provide for their child? What if one spouse isn’t working? Are you going to have each parent pay into their child based off income? It seems to me that this is nearly impossible to do without arguing or causing conflict. There is no way we can draw the line equally, which leaves us to put it together and work with each other.

Communicate Purchases

Something that we enjoy doing is letting each other know when we are going to spend money. This is not really a situation where we are asking for permission as much as relaying information. My wife is in school and I work. So I am the only source of income right now. That being said, I don’t require my wife to ask for money or need permission to spend it. We choose to ask each other if we can make larger purchases, over $20, and inform each other when we are going to have smaller purchases. It is a situation where we work together to make sure that we stay on budget, and can continue to do fun things together. Having a joint account that our spouse can see helps to stay responsible. We are working for common goals, and are united in our trials and times of celebration.

Some examples of when we just inform each other (while staying within our budget) would be when she wants to stop and get coffee. It’s a purchase that is $5 tops, but keeping each other in the loop helps us to budget. When I want to make larger purchases, like $100 on hunting equipment, I ask her if that is okay so that we are on the same page. If the purchases are really big, like $1,000, we take the time to sit down and discuss why we want to make the purchase and how it will be beneficial to us.

Budget Together

I find it best to work together to figure out how much money should be spent on different categories. Some major categories are rent/mortgage, utilities, food, insurance, debt, and extra expenditures. All of these have variable costs, and we can pick how much we would like to spend. Do we want to live in a smaller house? Bigger house? Apartment? Maybe we want to have nicer food? Cheaper food? Or maybe we want to take trips every month and put it down as extra expenditures. Everything has a price, and we can choose how much we want to pay (to an extent) and set ourselves up with different products. I urge you to sit down with your spouse and dig through financials before spending. An even better plan is sitting down with your fiancé and hashing this out before getting married. There are a lot of things out there that cost money, and it can be difficult to figure out what we should purchase. Not only do you have the benefit of making a budget together, this will give you an opportunity to learn more about your significant other. We tend to buy things that we think are important.

Disclose Your Debts

One important thing to me when people are getting married is that they are transparent about all finances. If you have debt, just like with money in our account, you need to make sure your soon-to-be spouse is aware. It would be quite a surprise to get married, then find out that your spouse has $40,000 in debt that they did not tell you about. This can cause a lot of stress in your relationship, and being transparent about debts can save a lot of headache and build trust. You are married to this person, and they need to be in your life more now than when you were dating. Having a spouse in medical school, I have become very familiar with loans and debt. Taking these loans upon myself in addition to her is a commitment that I made to my wife when we got married, and having this debt is OURS, not just hers.

Our experiences

My wife and I got married in college. She went to school for free, and I took out loans. Getting married during college means you are “rich”, so we had that going for us. We have strived to be transparent with each other about what we spend and our debts and have kept our arguments to a minimum so far. We have only been married for a little over 4 years, but our financial situation has changed quite a bit from college. We’ve adjusted to these changes by changing our budget and discussing our new financial goals. There is no way to completely avoid conflict, no matter how well you are being transparent.

We live in a world that is increasing promoting separation of property between spouses. Over half of the marriages in the United States consist of separate bank accounts, and the divorce rate is about 50% across the board. Are they correlated? Maybe. It’s hard to tell, but we are being influenced to keep our lives separate and be selfish over our property. It is crucial to me that each spouse works for the other person, and not for themselves. That doesn’t mean that they never get to do anything for themselves, but they should be conscious of what they do or buy.

I urge you to work for a common goal and do your best. Keep communication open and trust each other. Build the kind of relationship that will allow you to share and not worry about your spouse. Working together will make your life better and help you create a better life in marriage.

Compounding Fatigue

August 26, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Being the spouse of a medical student, I have been able to be an onlooker behind the scenes of becoming a doctor. I try to pay attention and listen to my wife to gain knowledge in what she is doing, and how she is doing. It is not always easy to tell if she is doing well or not, but there are days it is obvious. Do you feel exhausted? Are you struggling to focus because you are tired? You are not alone. Lots of medical students feel this way.

She is currently in her rotation with Family Medicine, her first rotation was General Surgery and second being Orthopedic Surgery. So far, she has not been stressed as much in this specialty as she was during surgery. She has been at the hospital for a week to experience family medicine, so it may be too early to make any real conclusions. It appears to me that most of the stress she was experiencing during surgery was not so much the work, but the time. Surgery took up a lot of time in her day, and she still had to study for other work at the same time.

Her hardest days do not seem to revolve around a specific event, but is caused by a series of difficult days. Most of the hardships seem to stem from lack of sleep and rest, which has other repercussions. To further explain, it is like filling a 5 gallon bucket with 1 gallon of water each day. On a day where she gets a perfect nights sleep, 1 gallon of water would be drained from the bucket. On a bad nights sleep, there might only be 0.5 gallons of water will drain, leaving 0.5 gallons in the bucket. If this cycle continues for multiple days in a row, the bucket can fill completely and overflow. This is what I would say is a “breakdown day”, where the stress reaches a maximum and she has a hard time getting stuff done. If at this point if the cycle isn’t broken, the days of being overly stressed will continue. On the other hand, if she can get better rest, the days of overly stress can reduce and she functions better.

We have been trying to find ways to reduce her stress and help her keep going in school. Weekends need to be more oriented around things she enjoys, and time away from chaos. I’m not sure we will ever find a perfect solution, but we will keep trying to find new ways to help. Some activities that seem to help right now are taking walks (and talking), riding bikes, watching tv, and playing video games. Some other things that she enjoys doing are reading and completing coloring books.

What we have learned.

Something that we learned and I continue to remind my wife is how these hardships may feel like they will destroy her, and in the end will build her up. Though it is hard now, she will one day benefit from the hard work she is putting into this time in life. As she continues to persevere through the pain, fatigue, and emotional stress, she will become stronger. At the completion of this goal, she will become a doctor and will have many opportunities to help people. This will also fulfill one of her dreams.

It is key to have rest, as it is just as important as work time. Making sure that she rests will help her run and prevent burnout. Medical School is only 4 years, but these are hard years. There are more challenges now, than previously in the students academic career. Get a good nights sleep, eat well, and find a hobby you can do in your spare time. It will make a big difference in your productivity, and happiness.

Med School Pros #1

August 5, 2020 / Jacob Brown

There are a lot of things going on in medical school that stresses the students and their families. I don’t want to paint a picture for current and upcoming students that medical school is just a terrible time where you are stressed and have a hard time living your life. It’s not that way. Yes it is hard, from my wife’s experiences and what I observe, but there are pros for being in this stage of life. This will be a continuous thread that I want to keep adding to as they come up, but here are a few of them right now.

Make new friends. Just like every school experience we have had so far, there are other people attending that share our interests. We are not the kind of people that need a lot of friends to feel content, but a few good friends to fill that void in our lives. It can be hard to manage having a lot of friends anyway, but some people can do it. Making new friends has allowed us to find people that share our interests. This is important for us because by finding people we can hang out with, we are able to discuss deeper topics or just have fun with other couples. I know that my wife has enjoyed making new friends because it allows her to get to relate to someone. I know that I am her husband, but there are things that I can’t and won’t ever totally understand. She has made some female friends that she can relate to and have good conversations.

If you haven’t ever tried, join a group of people with similar interests. School sanctioned groups exist in the graduate school level just as they do in undergrad. We have had the opportunity to make friends and have some good times with the people as well.

Experience a work environment. If you are a medical student, more than likely you have not had a true experience in the workforce. I know some of the medical students have had a job before going back to school to become an MD or DO, but it is not very common. Summer jobs allow a person to gain some experience of what it is like to be in the hierarchy of a business, but it can also be misleading. A lot of time the “summer help” roles are not very serious, and have little responsibility. Most of the work is little things that businesses need done on the side, but have not had a lot of time to complete. This is not true for every summer job, but I have found it relevant. It is impossible for medical students to have summer jobs while in school, which is all year. Without being able to have a summer job, they can not procure money to live during the school year either.

During school this summer my wife has been able to work in hospitals with doctors to get experience of what it is like to be on the job. She is now working with an Orthopedic Surgeon, which has also been a great experience. This cycle of her school year is in a rural location, which has been a change from being in a larger more urban hospital.

Create lifelong experiences. This is probably a little cliche, but it is true. The time that the medical students spend in school will impact them for the rest of their lives. The relationships that are made, the experiences, and the time to grow in this environment are all important. This time is hard, and will shape the student into a doctor.

Start to find your stride in life. For some students this is the first time that they are truly away from their parents and family. It can be hard for them to cope with the change. This might be the first time that they are “adulting” and being self-sufficient. During this time they really get to find how they want to live life, and what path they will go down for their career. There are a lot of choices they have to make during this time as well. They have to choose how much to take on loans, where to live, who to hang out with and much more. All of these decisions make them who they are, and allow them to make their life their own.

Try new things. Medical School in general is a big change for the student. They have never taken classes in medical school before, and don’t really have an idea of what is ahead when they first start school. I remember my wife’s first week of school. She had just spent the entire summer, the last real summer vacation, relaxing and getting settled into the area. When classes started she realized they were much different than the classes in undergrad. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a change and is something to learn. She told me quite often how much more independent the student has to be in medical school compared to undergrad. There is very little assistance from the professors, or doctors, and a lot of the work is just left up to the student to accomplish.

Take the time during medical school to try new things. Whether it be food, trips, hobbies, or making friends, it is a good time to take on new challenges.

Mental Well-being

July 22, 2020 / Jacob Brown

What level do you feel you are at in regards to mental health? Are you usually happy? Tired? What is the cause? It can be hard to pinpoint the level of our mental health at any given time. Life takes a toll on people, and doctors are not immune. If you feel this way, you are not alone.

Medical students and doctors have to deal with situations regularly that I have never experienced. There are odd hours, long days, and probably the biggest, loss of life. Difficult times mold people for better, or for worse. From my perspective, the way that these situations mold us is in how we choose to interpret them, and deal with them. The glass is half full or half empty cliche comes to mind. Times get hard, but are they challenging us to grow? Do we see it as a time when the world is trying to tear us down? It might be a little bit of both. Our response to hard times needs to be beneficial to ourselves and those around us.

Something that you may know is that Medical School builds a mountain of stress for students. A common phrase that I have heard is “medical school breeds alcoholism,” Students are under tremendous stress, and a lot of them confide in a drink. It is unfortunate that this is the case, but it happens. The students may feel alone or there is not another outlet for their stress. Alcohol may make them feel more relaxed and give them peace of mind while they are working or relaxing at home. The continuous stress pushes them deeper toward alcohol and may develop further into a crutch for them. This is something that I have noticed among the medical students. I am unsure of an exact quantity, but it seems most students will have at least 1 drink per day. Having 1 drink per day doesn’t make someone as alcoholic, but they need to keep it under control and use it properly. It could be beneficial to someone worrying about relieving stress in this manner to find another activity to relieve their stress.

My wife and I have been talking lately about some items going on with her and her rotations. Most of the toll on her seems to be emotional strain. There is joy within the hospital, but there is also sadness. It can be hard to recover from sad or unpleasant times when they occur, depending on what they are. I have been trying to be a better listener for her, but there are things that I will not understand completely unless I were in her shoes. That being said, listening to her talk to me has been beneficial for her. Though I am not experiencing what she is, it helps her to talk through it.

Medical Students don’t talk about their problems and issues enough in my opinion. I was part of a group a couple years ago of medical students and their spouses (if they had one). We had a day where we split gentlemen and ladies to have some discussions amongst each group. Something interesting for the women is they discovered that almost all of them were struggling with the same emotional strain. All of them going into the discussion seemed to feel alone and that there problems were unique. They had the mindset that they did not want to bother others, or others would not understand the situation that they were experiencing. After they began to talk they realized that they were all in the same situation, and if they would have confided in each other and talked about it a long time ago, they could be in a better place. School is hard, life is hard, and when we are surrounded by people that are experiencing the same hardships, we should talk about it. There is not enough discussion on hardships and how we handle them in the med student community. I wholeheartedly believe that med school is a team effort. Spouses, significant others, and friends work together to succeed. Something may be learned if “enemies” worked together once in a while. Yes each student is competing with the each for spots after graduation, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help each other now.

Tips for the reader.

Find an outlet for your thoughts. There doesn’t have to be a problem to talk to someone about your day. There may be a problem or may feel strained, but that doesn’t have to be true. It can be helpful for getting more perspective or better understanding your situation as well.

Talk to someone going through the same situation. This is an awesome opportunity to share amongst colleagues information they have gathered. People may feel alone on an island with whatever hardship they are going through. I am 100% sure that if you talk to your fellow colleagues, as long as they are being open with you, you will find that they are going through a similar situation. They can relate better to you than someone on the outside, and might be able to provide information on how they handle situations.

Find healthy activities that make you happy. As you may know, I am a big advocate for hobbies and fun activities outside work. Taking time to rest is equally if not more important than work. Keeping your mind and body healthy will allow you to work, so take the time to rehab them and rest.