Tag: Relationship (Page 2 of 2)

Med School Pros #1

August 5, 2020 / Jacob Brown

There are a lot of things going on in medical school that stresses the students and their families. I don’t want to paint a picture for current and upcoming students that medical school is just a terrible time where you are stressed and have a hard time living your life. It’s not that way. Yes it is hard, from my wife’s experiences and what I observe, but there are pros for being in this stage of life. This will be a continuous thread that I want to keep adding to as they come up, but here are a few of them right now.

Make new friends. Just like every school experience we have had so far, there are other people attending that share our interests. We are not the kind of people that need a lot of friends to feel content, but a few good friends to fill that void in our lives. It can be hard to manage having a lot of friends anyway, but some people can do it. Making new friends has allowed us to find people that share our interests. This is important for us because by finding people we can hang out with, we are able to discuss deeper topics or just have fun with other couples. I know that my wife has enjoyed making new friends because it allows her to get to relate to someone. I know that I am her husband, but there are things that I can’t and won’t ever totally understand. She has made some female friends that she can relate to and have good conversations.

If you haven’t ever tried, join a group of people with similar interests. School sanctioned groups exist in the graduate school level just as they do in undergrad. We have had the opportunity to make friends and have some good times with the people as well.

Experience a work environment. If you are a medical student, more than likely you have not had a true experience in the workforce. I know some of the medical students have had a job before going back to school to become an MD or DO, but it is not very common. Summer jobs allow a person to gain some experience of what it is like to be in the hierarchy of a business, but it can also be misleading. A lot of time the “summer help” roles are not very serious, and have little responsibility. Most of the work is little things that businesses need done on the side, but have not had a lot of time to complete. This is not true for every summer job, but I have found it relevant. It is impossible for medical students to have summer jobs while in school, which is all year. Without being able to have a summer job, they can not procure money to live during the school year either.

During school this summer my wife has been able to work in hospitals with doctors to get experience of what it is like to be on the job. She is now working with an Orthopedic Surgeon, which has also been a great experience. This cycle of her school year is in a rural location, which has been a change from being in a larger more urban hospital.

Create lifelong experiences. This is probably a little cliche, but it is true. The time that the medical students spend in school will impact them for the rest of their lives. The relationships that are made, the experiences, and the time to grow in this environment are all important. This time is hard, and will shape the student into a doctor.

Start to find your stride in life. For some students this is the first time that they are truly away from their parents and family. It can be hard for them to cope with the change. This might be the first time that they are “adulting” and being self-sufficient. During this time they really get to find how they want to live life, and what path they will go down for their career. There are a lot of choices they have to make during this time as well. They have to choose how much to take on loans, where to live, who to hang out with and much more. All of these decisions make them who they are, and allow them to make their life their own.

Try new things. Medical School in general is a big change for the student. They have never taken classes in medical school before, and don’t really have an idea of what is ahead when they first start school. I remember my wife’s first week of school. She had just spent the entire summer, the last real summer vacation, relaxing and getting settled into the area. When classes started she realized they were much different than the classes in undergrad. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a change and is something to learn. She told me quite often how much more independent the student has to be in medical school compared to undergrad. There is very little assistance from the professors, or doctors, and a lot of the work is just left up to the student to accomplish.

Take the time during medical school to try new things. Whether it be food, trips, hobbies, or making friends, it is a good time to take on new challenges.

Drop Her Off

July 29, 2020 / Jacob Brown

I remember all the times that my now wife and I would go down to the lake or out to eat during college. We tried to spend time together at least 3 days per week, most of which involves having dinner at her parent’s house. Spending time together is fun, but it comes to an end as the sun goes down. The worst part for me during this dating phase in our relationship was taking her home afterward, just so that I could pick her up sometime the next day to spend time together again. This was our life during college before we got married. Separating yourself from your significant other for the night is not the easiest thing to do, or the most desirable, but plays a large role in the health of the relationship.

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder” is a common phrase that pertains to this subject. When we are seeking someone to date or marry in our lives, it can be difficult to be apart. After all, we enjoy the company of the other person and creating memories with them. Most of the time we have similar interests as our significant other and like to do the same things. I have found myself doing activities alone that I feel I should be doing with my wife because she enjoys them as well. I don’t really like leaving her out of activities that I think are fun for both of us. As an example, I don’t usually ride my bike or use my kayak without her (unless she can’t go due to her busy schedule) because I know she enjoys the activities.

If we are always reliant on someone or something, it can be hard to tell exactly how much we like or depend on it. As an example, imagine a person has a cellphone with them for calls, messages, and maps. They always have their phone with them. Now, what if this person was in a town they don’t recognize and their phone battery dies. Now what? They are left with figuring out how to get home by themselves without the help of other people. They have no way to call and ask for help or use map programs. What will they do?

In reality they would probably just find someone and ask them to use their phone or ask directions. But what if the phone is someone we are dating and they leave the relationship? What if they are gone for a week without seeing you? It can be hard to tell how much we rely on a significant other without having space apart from them, whatever the length of time. If the relationship were to end, can we still make our way through life effectively? In the example with a person and their phone, if they have never learned to make it in life without it (or lost touch with being single), they could be lost for a long time.

Dating can be a difficult time. For some there is a lot of heartbreak and turmoil. Others, like myself, were fortunate enough to date younger and stick with the same lady until marriage.

Learn the “paper maps” of your relationship. It is good to help each other in relationships. Not all of us have strengths in every aspect, and your significant other should complement those weaknesses. That being said, we should be able to navigate all aspects of our lives without our significant other while dating. If your partner is gone on a trip or is going to relax with their friends, don’t set yourself up for failure by being overly dependent. It is good to rely on them for some things, but not everything. I like to think of my weaknesses as being the “paper map.” It still works, but it is harder for me to navigate. Her strengths that compliment my weaknesses could be referred to as the “GPS” maps. I can still operate and navigate life without a GPS, but the GPS improves the situation.

Continue your life, and add them to it. Not all aspects of our lives can be continued when we start dating. For example, if a person was going on dates with different people and finds one they have decided to date, it’s probably not in their best interest to keep dating other people. This is just one activity, but there are others. It would be awkward if the person decided that they still wanted to drive around in the car how they used to when they were single. Maybe in order to do this they told their significant other that they would need to drive themselves because they want to drive alone all the time. Probably not super productive for relational growth.

Another change would be going from spending all of our time with our friends, then spending no time with them because we are dating someone. This change would involve spending all of our free time with our significant other. If we spend 100% of our time with someone, it can get quite annoying. I am just going to say it. We don’t need to spend all of our time with someone in order to show them we care about them. It is good to spend a healthy amount of time with your significant other, and a healthy amount of time with your friends or alone. If you are prospecting marriage with your significant other, it would be good to figure out how much time to spend with them. Should I spend more time with them than my friends? From my perspective, we should make a significant other an addition to our lives to improve. These relationships should not hinder us.

Drop her off at the end of the day. I am a big advocate for waiting until marriage to move in together and become physically active. Is it easy? NO. It might be one of the hardest things to do in a relationship in today’s society. We have a lot of cultural and societal influences that try to persuade us away from this idea. Everything from TV shows, to books, to music tries to influence us against the idea of waiting until marriage. The rate of divorce is higher among people who cohabitate before marriage. What are some influences in living together that could result in a high divorce rate? I’m not really sure if there is a definitive answer. It seems to me that it could be the result of too much dependency and too much time together for their people to know whether they should get married or not. They could be stuck in an “infatuation” phase and are not able to move out of it due to decreased separation from each other. Spending all of this time together does not allow them to find what they need in life, and what their partner will do when they are apart. When the day together is over, it’s beneficial to be separated. It’s good to live apart and really find what it is you enjoy or are looking for in a person.

Mental Well-being

July 22, 2020 / Jacob Brown

What level do you feel you are at in regards to mental health? Are you usually happy? Tired? What is the cause? It can be hard to pinpoint the level of our mental health at any given time. Life takes a toll on people, and doctors are not immune. If you feel this way, you are not alone.

Medical students and doctors have to deal with situations regularly that I have never experienced. There are odd hours, long days, and probably the biggest, loss of life. Difficult times mold people for better, or for worse. From my perspective, the way that these situations mold us is in how we choose to interpret them, and deal with them. The glass is half full or half empty cliche comes to mind. Times get hard, but are they challenging us to grow? Do we see it as a time when the world is trying to tear us down? It might be a little bit of both. Our response to hard times needs to be beneficial to ourselves and those around us.

Something that you may know is that Medical School builds a mountain of stress for students. A common phrase that I have heard is “medical school breeds alcoholism,” Students are under tremendous stress, and a lot of them confide in a drink. It is unfortunate that this is the case, but it happens. The students may feel alone or there is not another outlet for their stress. Alcohol may make them feel more relaxed and give them peace of mind while they are working or relaxing at home. The continuous stress pushes them deeper toward alcohol and may develop further into a crutch for them. This is something that I have noticed among the medical students. I am unsure of an exact quantity, but it seems most students will have at least 1 drink per day. Having 1 drink per day doesn’t make someone as alcoholic, but they need to keep it under control and use it properly. It could be beneficial to someone worrying about relieving stress in this manner to find another activity to relieve their stress.

My wife and I have been talking lately about some items going on with her and her rotations. Most of the toll on her seems to be emotional strain. There is joy within the hospital, but there is also sadness. It can be hard to recover from sad or unpleasant times when they occur, depending on what they are. I have been trying to be a better listener for her, but there are things that I will not understand completely unless I were in her shoes. That being said, listening to her talk to me has been beneficial for her. Though I am not experiencing what she is, it helps her to talk through it.

Medical Students don’t talk about their problems and issues enough in my opinion. I was part of a group a couple years ago of medical students and their spouses (if they had one). We had a day where we split gentlemen and ladies to have some discussions amongst each group. Something interesting for the women is they discovered that almost all of them were struggling with the same emotional strain. All of them going into the discussion seemed to feel alone and that there problems were unique. They had the mindset that they did not want to bother others, or others would not understand the situation that they were experiencing. After they began to talk they realized that they were all in the same situation, and if they would have confided in each other and talked about it a long time ago, they could be in a better place. School is hard, life is hard, and when we are surrounded by people that are experiencing the same hardships, we should talk about it. There is not enough discussion on hardships and how we handle them in the med student community. I wholeheartedly believe that med school is a team effort. Spouses, significant others, and friends work together to succeed. Something may be learned if “enemies” worked together once in a while. Yes each student is competing with the each for spots after graduation, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help each other now.

Tips for the reader.

Find an outlet for your thoughts. There doesn’t have to be a problem to talk to someone about your day. There may be a problem or may feel strained, but that doesn’t have to be true. It can be helpful for getting more perspective or better understanding your situation as well.

Talk to someone going through the same situation. This is an awesome opportunity to share amongst colleagues information they have gathered. People may feel alone on an island with whatever hardship they are going through. I am 100% sure that if you talk to your fellow colleagues, as long as they are being open with you, you will find that they are going through a similar situation. They can relate better to you than someone on the outside, and might be able to provide information on how they handle situations.

Find healthy activities that make you happy. As you may know, I am a big advocate for hobbies and fun activities outside work. Taking time to rest is equally if not more important than work. Keeping your mind and body healthy will allow you to work, so take the time to rehab them and rest.

4th Wedding Anniversary

June 17, 2020 / Jacob Brown

My wife and I just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. We got married between our sophomore and junior year of undergrad, in 2016. It has been an awesome experience being married while in college, and I think we have been able to answer quite a few questions for other couples. We enjoy talking with couples that are looking at getting married or are dating while in college.

When your spouse is in medical school there are times that you have to squeeze fun activities into small windows. As an example, we chose to celebrate our anniversary together by going on a day trip. We also looked at the cost to stay somewhere, and decided that we could do a day trip and be satisfied with our time together.

We left our house and headed toward Cleveland, OH to visit Cuyahoga National Park. Neither of us had been there, and it seemed like it would be a nice place to visit together. The weather forecast was good, and walking on the trails and riding in the car together would give us a lot of time to talk to each other. We are both fairly busy, and getting busier, so we decided this would be a nice trip. Our goal for the trip was to get out in nature and spend time together. We don’t get to talk to each other enough, and this was a great opportunity to do so.

We were also able to drive around the Cleveland area to see what it has to offer. Cleveland is a potential residency location, so we decided to drive around the neighborhoods just to see what they looked like. We visited the West Side Market as well. It was a cool experience having vendors selling goods in a bustling building. I can see how it would be filled with people buying meats, vegetables, breads, and confections later in the summer. Due to COVID-19 limiting people in buildings, it was not too busy.

We ended up eating at a nearby restaurant for lunch, then headed to Brandywine Falls, our first stop on the trip. For me, this was the most memorable location. The view of the falls is calming, and I’m pretty sure it was my wife’s favorite.

We ended up not staying in the Cleveland area for dinner and headed home. This worked out well. We went to the store and bought crab legs and some bread and planned to have our Anniversary Feast at our house the next day. This also allowed us to save some money, and get to spend more time together.

Tips for the reader.

Value the little things. Every trip or vacation you take with your spouse doesn’t need to be extravagant. Making a day trip to a scenic location is simple and cheap. Spending time together getting to talk can help you deepen your relationship, and get to know each other more.

Support your spouse. Your relationship will be way better if you can support your spouse in their life goals. I am finding new ways all the time to support my wife. A recent one is finding ways to take day trips or go to parks. It really helps her keep her stress levels down.

Take a cheap trip. Trips don’t have to be expensive in order to be entertaining or fun. As an example, the parks we went to were free, our lunch was $15, and we spent about $20 on gas for the entire trip. Not too bad for visiting a new city and going on a new adventure together.

Third Year Start

June 10, 2020 / Jacob Brown

My wife it at the cusp of beginning her third year of medical school. She has kind of started already, but she is just doing an online class due to COVID-19 keeping most medical students out of hospitals. Soon she will be shadowing doctors in their workplace, experiencing more of what is like to be a doctor and less of a classroom setting. From my experience a classroom setting is good for building some background information, but it can’t totally educate a person on a task that will be performed. As an example, in the United States we typically don’t have children read a book on how to swim, then push them into a pool on their own expecting them to swim perfectly. It takes time and practice within the workforce to gain important skills that can’t be obtained within a classroom.

My wife signed up for a year long layout of clerkships. She will be watching (and hopefully assisting) doctors in field that in orthopedics, surgery, OB/GYN, family practitioners, and many more. This year looks like it will allow her to try a lot of different specialties, which should in turn help her pick what she would like to go into as her career.

A new experience. A lot of medical students have job shadowed before, but not on the level that they will embark during their third year of school during clerkships. Most of schooling that they have experienced has been classroom work, which makes this changeover a totally new experience. I view it as one of the most important steps in becoming a doctor. The students have the background information, now it is time to apply it and tie all of the information together.

Change in learning style. I have found that there are people that excel in classroom learning, and there are people who excel in hands-on learning. My wife happens to be someone who is very good at both. I know that she is better at classroom learning than me, and she loves hands-on learning. Being able to apply what we know is crucial as it is the way that we make it all useful.

Schedule changes. Now that she will be shadowing doctors in clerkships, she won’t be in a classroom daily. She will have to travel to the doctors work, a hospital or clinic, for learning. Not only will she have to drive to their location, she will be on their schedule. This can be a little bit sporadic, but the schedule should be fairly consistent. The schedule is dependent on what specialty she will be shadowing at the time.

My wife has done a lot of research to figure out exactly what she needs in order to be successful in the clerkships. She has done shopping for shoes and other clothes. A big portion of what she has been looking at lately is office supplies. Make sure that you never run out of pens or are unprepared to take notes. Another thing that she has been interested in is what to keep in your white coat on a daily basis. This includes everything from office supplies to snacks. There are times that she won’t be able to take a normal lunch or break, and it’s good to be prepared for those times.

Third year looks like it will be a good change from the first two years. It will allow the medical students to grow more and increase their abilities to have relation with patients. They also get to step into the life of practicing doctors, and learn from them directly.

Tips for the reader.

Research online. Looking at forums or other blog posts can help you find what you may need. Being prepared will make you more comfortable and confident.

Ask past third year students. Past students are a simple source to find out what you may need. They have been through it, and they can help you decipher between what you need, and what you don’t.

Do what makes you comfortable. Within reason, and any guidelines set forward by the program, do what makes you comfortable. If you are uncomfortable all the time, it will make it much harder to focus and do your best. This applies to everything from shoes to your hair style.

Sharing a Meal

May 27, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Living in a house has given my wife and I a huge opportunity to share with others. We have had the ability to host as many as 20 medical students at our house for various reasons, feeding them on multiple occasions.

Most of the medical students live in apartments or live in a house with multiple people. Due to this, most of them do not have a lot of space for hosting or inviting people over. I am not saying this is a bad thing. I fully support and want medical students to do what they can to save money. There is a lot of debt accumulation in the medical student community and it’s best to find ways to keep it down.

When my wife and I invite people over we try to prepare meals that are good for lot of people. Occasionally we make burgers or hot dogs, but usually stick to meals like pulled pork. I enjoy smoking meat, and it’s nice to be able to cook for a lot of people. I can usually put in the meat before I go to work, and when I return is it about done. This is very convenient for me, and it is usually best to do something easy. Something else we also do is encourage the attendees to bring items like sides or drinks. I find that this allows people to feel like they are contributing and are not just taking.

A free meal. Inviting people to our home allows us to host for people. We are able to provide food to medical students which can cut a little bit off their food budget. Now, I understand that it isn’t much, but $5 is $5. Not only that, but it may be one of the only recent times they have had a good home cooked meal.

Fellowship in conversation. Meeting together over a meal allows everyone to talk and allows people to feel more relaxed when in conversation. I have found that people talk about different topics when it is over food. Medical students tend not to share hardships or ways that they have overcome them during medical school. I’m not exactly sure why they avoid these topics. It seems to help them all collectively if they talk about these issues and how they have overcome obstacles.

Don’t worry about the cost. I have hosted a lot of people, on a lot of occasions, and I have intentionally never asked anyone to pitch in cash. I find that it gets in the way of everyone having a good time to ask people for money. Also, why would I ask people to come over so that they can pay for food? I find it best to pick something that I am going to make that I can afford, then give them the option of bringing extras.

As a closing thought, I find it important that my medical school friends know that my house is open to them. If they need somewhere to go for any reason they are welcome to stop in. I have actually had quite a few occurrences where med students stop by and stay for dinner. Medical school can create a lot of isolation. By allowing people to come over whenever they want I think I can lessen this for a lot of them. Food draws people together and has a big impact in relationships with people. I encourage you to partake in these types of events if you can find them.

Some tips for the reader.

If you are invited, consider attending. If you are a medical student really try to keep from isolating yourself for extended periods of time. It is already a time where people are working on their own and it is beneficial to get out once in a while.

If you’re hosting, do something simple. Whether you make hot dogs, burgers, or swing through a restaurant, make it simple. It’s better to have time to spend with everyone than be working through their visit to prepare a 5 course meal.

Steer conversation away from medicine. I understand that most everything in a medical students life is medicine, but it’s good to stay in touch with their personal lives. I like to figure out what hobbies people enjoy and go from there.

Anxious Thoughts

May 20, 2020 / Jacob Brown

From being immersed in the medical student culture for almost 2 years now I have noticed a huge amount of anxiety among the students. Most of them seem to be fairly anxious about everyday tasks, but they really seem to get anxious when they are approaching a big test date or a large event. I think everyone gets anxious at times, and it’s good to now how to handle that anxiety.

My wife is a planner. She enjoys figuring out the logistics of every day, and trying to stick to it. Planning out when and how she will accomplish tasks helps her to keep her day and mind organized. On the downside, when there are changes that don’t follow this plan she has a hard time coping. There are not a lot of things that we can control in life, which makes it harder for people that are planners. So when small things change in a daily schedule, it tends to add stress to her day.

Lately she has been studying for Step 1 amid the COVID-19 pandemic. Her studying was put to a halt by the fact that her exam has now moved to October. She has had a lot of stress relief knowing that there is a set date again. Before it was changed to October the date moved 3 times. All of the students had been studying more than 10+ weeks for a test that was only intended to have 5-6 weeks of study time. Some students were able to take their exam in Mid-May, but the seats available were limited.

With speaking with my wife I have found that there are a couple things that make medical students more anxious. This is not an all inclusive list, but it is some of the high points that I have found are common.

An unknown future. Being out of control never fun. There is a certain amount of unknown that comes with not being at the helm to steer the ship. This is a very prevalent in medical school in general, but most of the unknowns seem to occur in the last 2 years of medical school. The first big unknown for my wife has been trying to take her Step 1 exam. The Step 1 exam in general is a big unknown. The whole future of what field of medicine the student can go into is determined by this one exam. Students spend weeks studying and in the end, can achieve a score that is too low for the specialty they want to partake in. Another big unknown, that we have not reached yet, is matching with a residency program.

Important dates changing. All of the COVID-19 madness in the United States has created a lot of uncertainty for my wife. One major change has been the date for her Step 1 exam keeps getting pushed back. She was originally scheduled to take it in May of 2020, but she is now schedule to take it in October of 2020. Hopefully the date will not change again. Another major change has been the class scheduling. The medical school has been forced the shorten their rotations in order to fit all of it in the school year. The end of the school year has to be the same as they can not delay this year and just keep delaying.

Important test dates approaching. Finishing classes and starting new ones seems to put people on edge. After all, each student has a lot riding on this short 4 year journey through medical school. Tests stress people out partly because of the unknown. The student doesn’t know what the questions will be, how it will be graded, or whether or not they did a good job. It can be hard to relax and do the best job possible.

Long sessions of study. Long sessions is referring to days, not necessarily hours in a day. For example, studying for 5 days in a row without getting to have a break. This is very common for medical students as they have a lot of big exams. Having long periods of time without a break or relaxation period accumulates stress that lead sit anxiety.

Tips for the reader.

Don’t try to sleep with your mind running. Something good is to try to prevent all of the stress and worry in life from becoming anxiety. Something important for me is to resolve issues as quickly as possible, and try not to let them carry over into the next day. I find that this helps me sleep well, and not stress over work. If I can resolve these issues, I won’t be thinking about them, and in turn will allow myself to relax.

Plan for the best and expect the worst. It can be hard to have plans change, but when they do, you need to be agile enough to take another approach. Sometimes the many changes in life require us to have a backup plan. For everything with your education (and most of life) have a backup plan. It can take a lot of pressure off when things change.

Talk to others. If you are having a hard time with stress or a situation, you are not alone. There are many others who are going through the same situation as you, and they might be able to help. Never think you are alone in what is going on, because you’re not.

Find ways to take short breaks often. My wife has had success with taking short breaks to relieve some stress when possible. Working for a few hours and scheduling lunch or a 15-30 minute activity session is a good start.