Tag: Relationship (Page 1 of 2)

2022 – A Year of Changes

December 30, 2022 / Aleena Brown

From Aleena:

It’s been a while since I spent time writing. Major events and important milestones are kept in my bullet journal but writing in length about my thoughts on those events is something else entirely. I feel as though this year changed every part of my life. I received new titles, started a new job, moved states. I experienced many highs and lows over the year. Some days I was so tired, I barely made it through the door before falling asleep. Some days I never wanted to end even as the clock continued to tick towards midnight. We didn’t send a Christmas card this year, so we thought a post on our year would have to suffice.

January 1^st was spent on postpartum after the early delivery of our daughter on 12/31/21. Charlotte came into the world at 4lbs 7 oz. She was a fighter. Even though she was 5 weeks early she was strong. Her blood sugar never dropped. Her temperature was well controlled. She drank well from a bottle. She was as feisty and stubborn as her namesake. If I am honest, I started the year in a very confusing position. I was overjoyed that my daughter was with me, but I was sick and felt defeated. Mentally and emotionally, I felt low. This tiny, too tiny, child was relying on me, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be okay again. My pregnancy had been wonderful, but my labor and delivery were nothing how I imagined it would be. In many ways, I felt as though my body failed me and I wasn’t sure how to move forward. Thankfully, the clock keeps ticking. My tiny child healed my heart and my body slowly healed. Those first weeks went by quickly, and I’m sure there are many women like me who feel like that time lives behind a veil. Everything seems slightly fuzzy. I’m thankful for the pictures I took to remember those days, even the hard days are worth remembering. January came and went. I’m thankful to my mom and mother-in-law who spent weeks with me, helping me learn to take care of my daughter and giving me time to heal, grieve, and move forward.

February: Adjusting a family continued as Charlotte started to grow. We celebrated 11 years together on the 12^th of February. I am amazed as how far we have come and all the things we’ve done in 11 years. The things we talked about at 15 years old were coming true. All our hard work was paying off.

March: The first half of March we waited (im)patiently for Match Day to come. I am a firm believer that God always has a plan for us even if we don’t see it. Sometimes we believe our lives are going down one path and he will send us through a different door. March 18^th, we sat in a large conference room counting down to noon. I had made my list over a month prior. I was sure I knew where we were going. God had other plans. BETTER PLANS! I opened that envelope to see I had matched at St. Joseph Regional Medical Center in Mishawaka, IN. We were going home. I expected bigger emotions that day. I heard others shouting with joy, happy tears going down their faces. I felt relief that this whole thing was over. I was happy, but I was ready to put the circus of residency match behind me. I wanted certainty of my next steps. I wanted to know we had a plan and a home. Finding our next city was step 1.

April: Beginning of April brought the end of medical school. Jacob took me out for an ice cream date to celebrate.

May: I celebrated my first Mother’s Day and 26^th birthday the first week in May. We spent time with our families and continued watching Charlotte grow and learn. Packing was in full swing. We were able to find a home to rent in Mishawaka. We would be able to move in on July 1^st. Until then we would live with my parents in South Bend. There are days I miss our home in Toledo. We had so many memories there including bringing Charlotte home. We did many renovations to make that home ours. It was difficult to know I was leaving a home that felt like mine to live in a house that would never quite feel right. However, being near our families is far more valuable. On May 20^th our families gathered as I walked across the stage to be hooded. This was my third favorite title I received with “wife” and “mama” coming in first and second. It was so nice to look up in the crowd and see my husband, daughter, and both sets of parents waving at me. I am proud of myself for accomplishing this goal! It definitely wasn’t easy but will definitely be worth it. May 28^th was our last day in Toledo. Our families helped us pack up our home and move us back to Indiana and to my parents’ home in South Bend. Our belongings were moved into storage and our suitcases came with us. This wasn’t the first time we lived with a set of parents during our transitions. I’m thankful for such good relationships that allow us to live as a multigenerational household, even for a short while.

June: Jacob and I celebrated our 6^th wedding anniversary. We spent as much time together as a family during this month before I started working on July 1^st. We took a short trip to St. Joseph, Michigan and enjoyed time outside and wandering around the town. Orientation began in the middle of the month. The first time I met my fellow interns, I knew I was in the right place. These were my kind of people!

July: I was on call July 1^st. What a strange feeling that was. I started the year on inpatient medicine. While I was on call, Jacob and his family moved us into our house in Mishawaka. I felt like I had dived headfirst into the deep end, and in all reality, I think I did. It was a strange thing to announce myself as Dr. Brown when I walked into a room. Even now, hearing someone call me “Dr. Brown” has my inner child giggling. Thankfully, most people still call me Aleena (or Mama).

I think the clock sped up because August, September, and October came and went. Work continued as I learned how to navigate the hospital, the EMR (electronic medical record), and learn from those around me. Charlotte grew and grew and suddenly my tiny, tiny baby was crawling, laughing, and evening whistling. She was eating real food and dancing to music. Some days I had more time with my family than others. We had family dinners when we could, date nights when we could, and little adventures here and there. Jacob and I had some big conversations about our future. For most of 2022, Jacob and I thought Charlotte may be our only child. We walked out of that hospital on January 2^nd with our daughter, but both of us had to heal from our experience. We spent a few weekends sitting on his parents’ back porch talking about our family and our goals and visions for the future. One Sunday in September, we were walking out of church. Charlotte was on Jacob’s shoulders, and I had this longing feeling in my chest that someone was missing and should be holding my hand as we walked out. I knew then we were meant to have another child. My hope and prayer is this next year will bring us the joy of having another child. For those who may have been like us, it is okay to change your mind about children. Whether you thought you were only meant to have one or thought you wanted more. It’s okay to change your mind and make the best decision for the family that you have. Children are truly a blessing, but they are HARD work. My feisty 35-weeker turned into a feisty 1 year old. She has taught me so many things about being a mom and about life in general, but raising a human being is tough, especially with no manual. But as the clock keeps ticking, I find myself wishing for just one more minute of newborn snuggles, of nursing, of crawling, of nighttime rocking, of afternoon naps. I look forward to the day she comes running into my arms after work and tells me about her days, afternoons spent doing arts and crafts, family ice cream nights, movies and snuggling. One of my favorite book quotes says, “don’t let the hard days win” and I do my best to remember that on my on-call days, night floats, and tough times with family. By the end of October, I found myself with a 10-month-old and finishing 4 months of residency. I had done all the core rotations and felt much more comfortable at work.

November and December brought us the holiday season. I enjoyed decorating our home and convinced Jacob to put lights on the exterior of the house. Charlotte even had her own little Christmas tree. She is obviously too young to understand Christmas but knowing this was her first, and maybe only one as our only child, I wanted to make it special. She spent time with Grandma Sharon making Christmas cookies for my work and for our families. We spent time in the snow and cuddled up at night. She had many Christmases, one with just us, one with my family and one with Jacob’s. As the only granddaughter on both sides, she was definitely spoiled. The love our families have for Charlotte is unmeasurable. I’ve enjoyed watching her build relationships with her family all year. I was able to take time off between Christmas and New Year’s. I’m extremely thankful for a program that prioritizes their residents and families. They do their best to allow us to spend important dates with our families, just another reason why I am glad God’s plans are bigger than mine. Charlotte turns 1 on 12/31. We will be celebrating with both sides of the family. There will be balloons, cake, cupcakes, and so much yummy food. The days were long, but this year flew by. I don’t know how my preemie turned into this amazing 1 year old, but I am beyond excited to see what this next year has in store for Charlotte. There may be more changes for us this next year as a family but having some constant in this world is needed. Walking into 2023 I feel like a completely different version of myself in a lot of good ways. There has been growth and healing this year that was needed in order to move forward.

Looking Ahead: I’ve already thought of some goals for myself in 2023:

Read 12 books (or more)
Write 1 blog post per month (or more)
Spend 10 minutes journaling per day in both my Bullet Journal and “Better Every Day” Journal
1 Date night per week with Jacob
1 Family Activity per week with Jacob and Charlotte
2 Weekend trips this year
Spend a couple days a month taking photos for our families and others

I want to spend more time documenting and enjoying the phase of life I am in presently. Residency and parenting are both hard yet rewarding. I want to remember these months, especially if we hope to add another member to our family this year. This year I’m choosing to enjoy the ordinary aspects of life and finding peace amongst the chaos and tiredness.

If you’ve somehow read until the end of my monologue, I hope your 2022 was filled with moments of joy and that the times of sorrow were few. I pray 2023 is full of answered prayers and new experiences for you. And if you ever want coffee, I am always excited to sit with a friend over an iced latte.

How have I spent the last 10 years with the same lady!?!?

February 17, 2021 / Jacob Brown

It was back in August of 2010 that I met my wife. At the time, I made the effort to offer my assistance on her schoolwork and homework though it wasn’t needed. I had lower grades than her (and she is smarter than me) so she didn’t really need my help. I like to think that my incessant and possibly annoying persistence was the key to winning her over.

We didn’t officially start dating until I turned 16, but we decided that we were going to date at that time on February 12, 2011. Dating at age 16 was a rule set by my parents and I think I will continue this for my children. What’s the point of dating if the child can’t drive themselves anyway?

My wife has been an amazing addition into my life. She contributes so much to help us prepare for the future. This includes how we spend money and life choices she makes with school. I definitely don’t know where I would be in life without her.

Following are some things I have learned after dating and being married to her. They are not in a particular order, but all are important. It would be interesting to see what others have learned during their marriage or dating life if it has been as long.

What have I learned in the past 10 years?

Be Patient. This is something that most relationships have realized. There are a lot of times where we are waiting on each other patiently, our relationship could be difficult. Being patient also includes life goals that have been set together. In my case, after I knew that I wanted to marry my wife, I had to wait longer than anticipated to get married. Having to wait doesn’t mean that it is a time to bail, but learn. Learning to be patient is hard and a relationship with our significant other or spouse can help us learn first hand.
Do what she enjoys. I learned long ago that my wife had different interests than me. She enjoys reading books about 10,000 times more than me. I can’t remember the last book I read, but I know for a fact that it was not for pleasure! I just don’t enjoy sitting down and reading books, but she does. I have made the effort over the years to sit with her and accompany her while she reads through adventures. She will curl up next to me on the couch and read for hours while I browse on my phone or watching tv. She enjoys my company and I enjoy making her happy.
Date your wife. This is something I have heard quite a bit from older generations. I have found it useful in keeping our relationship feeling young. I know that being married nearly 5 years isn’t long, but plenty of marriages don’t make it this far. Dating your wife (going out together) gives the feeling that you are continuing to pursue her and makes her feel wanted.
Do your hobbies. It is fun to have another person around, but it is important to continue what you want to do. You need to be yourself while being in a relationship. I have found that my spouse enhances and adds to the joy of my life. It is important for me to continue my hobbies and what made me happy before getting married. Not all hobbies qualify, but the hobbies that are important that fit into my relationship with my wife.
Listen to what she thinks about. Sometimes it can feel like I can’t relate to the topics that my wife wants to talk about, but it is important that I listen. Not only does it make her happy to talk to somebody, but I feel that I learn about her while she speaks her mind. This is an opportunity for me to learn what she thinks about and what is important to her. I am always learning and hope that this will continue as we grow old together.
Give her what she needs. This might be one of the hardest tasks because it takes time to decipher between NEEDS and WANTS. I know that some of you may be thinking “if she says she needs it then she needs it,” but I have found that she needs the unspoken items more than those she vocalizes.
Ask what she wants to do. It is important for my wife to feel wanted and needed in our life together. It is crucial for me to ask what she wants to do even when we end up participating in a different activity. This can be asking what she wants for dinner or how she would like to spend the weekend. I find that if we don’t ask then try activities that each of us are interested in, it can be hard to learn about each other. There are things that she may want to try that I haven’t ever considered and may enjoy. Our goal of being married is to work together and it would be difficult with only one mind dishing out ideas.
Make her feel important because she is. Learning the love language of your spouse is key to productive communication. My wife’s love language is “Words of Affirmation” which means that how I speak to her goes a long way. My words carry a lot of weight both positive and negative. I make the effort to tell her that I love her and that she looks beautiful on a regular basis. I also try to weigh in on decisions when she asks me about life choices or clothes. She enjoys when I pick out her clothes because she wants to be dressed in something I like, and know that I like what she’s wearing.
Work together to achieve your goals. I am a firm believer that we were put on Earth to work together to glorify the kingdom of God. This is not an easy or simple task. We (as husbands) are made to build up our wives and our wives are made to support us. It is hard to work together all the time because we have different ideas. I have found it most productive to talk through our own life goals and work with each other to achieve them. We should not be giving up our happiness in order to give happiness to our spouse. We are in each other’s lives to enhance, not detract.
Lead. Leading in our relationship is my job and it has benefits for my wife. Leading doesn’t mean that I make all of the decisions (though that seems to be how it is interpreted). I work to lead our relationship and help my wife to achieve her goals. She is currently in medical school which involves a lot of her time devoted to studying and learning. I have taken it upon myself to earn money so that she can get through school. Leading is difficult as it also makes me responsible for failures. I feel that this takes some weight off of my wife and helps her in school and life.

The Future

Every relationship is different. I’m sure that you (the reader) have found similarities and differences between your relationship and mine. Marriage has brought together two different people to work together in a new way. I have given up some things, she has given up some things, and together we have made a life that is ours. It really doesn’t feel like 10 years together! At almost 5 years married, I think we are off to a good start at getting to know each other.

A Short Recap of 2020

January 14, 2021 / Jacob Brown

Obstacles in life give us opportunities to find ways to manage change. Our time spent in 2020 gave many different obstacles to cross and taught us many lessons. I wouldn’t say that 2020 was a great year for most people, but I think we can learn a lot from the events that influenced our lives and the medical student community.

January

January started off as a normal time for us. My wife was going to school regularly without any hiccups. I went to work without having to do anything special, like wear a mask, and partook in normal work activities. During this time my wife was approaching taking the Step 1 exam. Near the end of the month on January 21, 2020 the first COVID-19 case was reported in the United States by the CDC. At the time, we didn’t think it would cause such great repercussions in our lives, but we would soon find out the extent of the disruptions.

February

My wife was in the phase of school where she needed to start studying for Step 1 as I have said previously. For the most part, she could do her schooling from home so disruptions in the hospitals and school were not a problem for her learning. February was the time when the United States began to proactively react to COVID-19, which meant restrictions for gathering.

Medical school is different than most learning centers from what I have seen. Most of my wife’s classes are optional for attending in-person and a lot of students choose to learn from home. This is something that was established long before 2020 and I think has helped the students to continue their education through the Pandemic. At the tail end of February my wife finished M2 year and began her dedicated study time for Step 1. This created a lot of isolation for her preceding the isolation that was to come from COVID-19.

Fun fact: We celebrated 9 years together on Feb 12.

March

This was the month where social distancing began to really take hold of Ohio. The state started limiting group sizes which cut down on people’s movement and gatherings. This also began creating isolation for a lot of people. I had been fortunate enough at this time to continue working while my wife studied for Step 1.

My wife began isolation 6 weeks before her scheduled date for Step 1. She studied about 10-12 hours per day, 7 days per week during this time. As the date approached we were worried of date changes due to gathering limitations at the testing centers. Our fears became a reality near the end of March. Her date was cancelled in the middle of March. She was given the option to take it again 2 weeks later. This was the first time she changed her date.

April

My wife’s original test date for Step 1 was April 3. With limitations on group sizes testing centers began to cancel the students current opportunity for testing. My wife’s testing date was cancelled and ultimately was moved to a date about 6 more weeks out. We hoped that being 6 more weeks there would be a better flow or testing allow her to participate. She had changed her date about 4 times before getting it set to May 19.

Her test didn’t happen at this time either. Her new testing date was set for Oct 8. She made the decision May 1 to cancel her May date and take 2 weeks off before M3 year began. At this point, she had spent nearly 11 weeks by herself 12 hours a day.

May

My wife’s birthday is in May! We started taking day trips for fun so that we could spend more time together. Day trips are fun and the cost is fairly low, especially when compared to staying overnight somewhere.

I tried to make her birthday special even though we couldn’t do anything fancy with a bunch of people. Thankfully, she is always happy with a walk by the lake and some ice cream.

Aleena started M3 year on May 18. Her class was online and she spent her time at home preparing for clerkships. This would be the year she entered the hospitals to work. With the craziness going on in the hospital, her clerkship schedule changed drastically. Each of her rotations were shortened and she wouldn’t get into her first rotation until the end of June.

June

We made a day trip to Cuyahoga Falls just outside Cleveland, OH. We had never been there and it seemed like a good place to site see. We drove over early in the morning and hit up some of the major spots and hiked around on trails.

We intended on staying for a nice dinner, but made the decision to head home a little early. It was about a 3 hour drive and it was nice to drive home in the daytime. I made up for the change in dinner plans by making a seafood bake in my smoker!

July

4th of July wasn’t cancelled, but it was significantly smaller than 2019. We don’t usually do anything extravagant for the 4th, but this year we didn’t have the option. It seemed that most people had smaller events.

Aleena was busy with her surgery clerkship and I was working. We started getting comfortable with long days and early bedtimes.

August

The month of my birthday! As with everything that happened this year, we didn’t do anything extravagant. I usually prefer to go out to eat with my wife and spend some quality time with her. We were still able to do that which is good.

September

After all the rescheduling it was finally time for my wife to prepare for Step 1 (again…). Most of September was spent with her studying at home. We would go to the parks to give her a break and enjoy the nice weather.

October

My wife was able to get into a testing location in October. It wasn’t an easy, or short, road to this point but it was worth it. The studying and isolation was hard on her, but I believe it made her stronger today. By the end of the month we found out she passed! We were incredibly grateful for the outcome after such an unexpected road. At the end of October was Halloween, which was greatly disrupted by the pandemic.

November

Celebrating Thanksgiving was much different for us this year. Last year we were able to host some of the medical students at our house for a small celebration. This year we were not able to do so due to group size, so maybe next year. We were able to safely see our families for the holiday. It was really important for my wife to spend some time with her parents.

December

The holidays came around. We managed to spend some time with my family and with hers. It can get hard at time to spend a late Friday night driving to our family’s homes, but we enjoy their company. My wife spent most of her break with her parents. This way she wouldn’t be alone during the week. Maybe next year we will be back to normal, or at least something similar to 2019.

Closing Thoughts

For those that know my wife, you know that my wife is tough. She has accomplished more in medical school than I feel I did during all of my schooling. She has been persistent and composed through medical school in testing and studying. Now that she is working in hospitals she has been able to put the rest of her talents to good use.

2020 was much different than any year we had experienced in our lifetime. Lots of restrictions were placed on what we can do outside of our home. We are hoping that 2021 will bring better news and be more prosperous for us all.

A Gobbling Occasion

November 25, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Thanksgiving has always been a time that my wife and I enjoy. We love getting to spend time with family, eat good food, and have a break from school or work. A shorter school break will occur this year during a time of COVID-19 and medical school commitments. That being said, we will be thankful for what we have been able to do this year despite the different hurdles that have arisen in our path. Traditionally we get to celebrate with all of our family members devouring large amounts of food. Though that may not happen to the same caliber this year, we can still be just as grateful for how we have been blessed.

A Smaller Group

With COVID-19 infecting different parts of the United States, we are being influenced to keep our gatherings to a minimum. Many of my friends have had their Thanksgiving plans cancelled or changed to cut down to a small group size. This will cause them to miss seeing some of their more distant relatives in an effort to follow the set guidelines. This is a sad time for most, especially those who haven’t seen each other since last Christmas.

The time that people have been apart from relatives has taken a toll on them mentally. We have a large number of older members that have been mostly isolated from the outside world, and they will now miss getting to see their family members at this holiday. For some, the isolation has now been for 7+ months which is a very long time apart from closer family members and friends.

Minimized Family

We have been urged by our local governments to cut down the sizes of our gatherings in an effort to slow the spread of COVID-19. This doesn’t mean that we can’t have a celebration, but we are supposed to limit our gathering sizes. If you are from a larger family, this can leave out family members from celebrating. Smaller families may not feel this as much, but larger families will for sure. One of my friends is from a large family that is sprawled out across the Midwestern United States. They have made the decision to keep separate for Thanksgiving. There will be no gathering, family reunion, or time where they will all see each other this season.

Giving Thanks

There are a lot of things that we are thankful for this year, despite the plan changes due to Covid-19. Here are some things that I am thankful for this year. Hopefully some of the things that have blessed me, have blessed you as well.

We have a home.
1. This may seem like a given, but there are a lot of people in the United States right now that do not have a home. They may have lost their job or home due to uncontrolled circumstances and are trying to make it daily.
We have family.
1. Not everything that our families do is what we want, but they are doing what they think is best for us. We know that we can call on them if we need help and they will try. The current events with COVID-19 will keep us from seeing some of our family members, but they know we still love them.
We have food on the table.
1. I have been fortunate enough to work during this national COVID-19 fiasco without interruptions. I know people close to me that have not been able to keep their jobs or remain at work. Unemployment has struck a lot of families this year and will affect them through the holidays.
We have grown closer together.
1. With the COVID-19 circumstances around us we have been able to spend more time together. We took walks, rode bikes, and watched movies together quite a bit this year. Without being able to travel or shop as much this year, we have been pushed to find things we enjoy together.
We have amenities.
1. As always, one of my favorite responses to “what are you thankful for?” is indoor plumbing and air conditioning. These are things that we take for granted in our everyday lives. Not having to haul water or leave our climate conditioned home to use the bathroom is an amenity that most of us can’t imagine living without. In the heat of summer we have the ability to crank the ac so it’s icy in our homes and cars. Some amenities I greatly appreciate.

Final Thoughts

Many people have lost a great deal this year. Some have lost jobs, homes, or family members. If this is the case for you, I believe you still have a lot going for you. We have a lot of good things going for us. We are truly and deeply blessed even if we don’t see it at first. I urge you to take some time to think about all of the ways you have been fortunate this year.

To finish off this post I would like to remind you to call, text, email, or video chat with those family members that can’t make it to your gathering. It may have a huge positive impact on their mental health. It will also show them that you are thinking of them and give you an opportunity to let them know you appreciate them. We want to be together with our families, but the circumstances are not in our favor this year.

We will have to hope things improve and re-evaluate the state of our country come Christmas time.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve.

Retiring at 32 Years Old

November 11, 2020 / Jacob Brown

People tend to assume (jokingly) that I have married for the money. That isn’t totally true, since I have less money now than ever. I tend to tell them that I married for the “future” money, and just haven’t gotten my return yet on my investment. This is a joke, of course, but for whatever reason this is the first thing that comes to the minds of people I meet when I tell them that my wife is in medical school. Something that I have been wondering about lately is why? Why is this the first thing that comes to their mind? There are a lot of other ideas that come to mind why I married my wife, and none of them are for the money.

It can be difficult to tell whether or not we are doing well as a spouse in our relationships. We can only try our best, and try to play our cards in the best way possible. There are typical roles for brides and grooms in a married relationship, and I am going to describe why an atypical role (like mine) as a husband is exactly what husbands should be doing in the way of finances. This is assuming that my wife will be making more money than me after she completes medical school.

The Typical Circumstance

For the longest time, husbands have been the breadwinner of the household. Husbands have a natural drive to compete with others and provide for their families in the best way they see fit. This tends to drive men to earn money in order to provide everything from shelter to food. Without the dedication of the other half of the relationship it would be very difficult to have a car, house, or food in today’s society. Due to being gone all day, or night, the wife tends to cover most of the other tasks. I am in a similar situation in my life. My wife is in school and is not working, so I am the only one with time to work. I tend to pitch in to do chores around the home as well.

We are currently in a phase of life where I am the breadwinner, but that may not always be the case. When my wife finishes residency and begins practicing medicine she will be paid quite a bit. Will it be more than I am making? More than likely. Does the fact that my wife will make more than me upset me? No. I think that our society is on a path for more women to be out-earning men, and I will not be the only one gifted with this situation.

Why would I be upset about my wife working hard and striving to be the best wife and doctor she can be in this life? In my opinion, having the view that the man HAS to make more than the wife is a little selfish. Money is not the only contribution that a spouse can make into their relationship, but it is one of them. In this situation, where my wife makes more money than me, what can I do to continue to contribute to our relationship and our lives?

Future Finances

As with most relationships, the husband can continue to work after his wife becomes a doctor. Just because one person has a high income does not mean that the spouse has to just sit at home. I believe that as husbands we are called to provide for our families. If the thing that we see our family needs is more money, then we need to go work to provide. This is not a time to be complacent or push the responsibility of providing solely onto our wives. She has other skills that men do not possess, and we need to work together. I plan on continuing to work in some capacity. This may involve a job change or other circumstances depending on some other life events. If we have kids at the time this could mean that I provide for my family by taking care of them. If we want to have them in child care, this could mean that I would work a normal engineering job and earn additional income. I like to joke with people that I will just retire when she becomes a doctor, but I think there are too many things on my list of to-dos. Retiring at 32 seems like it would be a dream, but I would continue to work and provide what my family needs at that time.

Something that I can see doing to assist my wife in the way of finances is help her balance our budget, or do the leg work with accountants so that we can get where we want to be financially. Money is money, and doesn’t run our lives. My wife wants to be a doctor, typically a high paying job, to help people in need and make money along the way.

Early Retirement

Like I said before, as men and husbands we are called to take care of our wives and families. This isn’t always financially, but can be. I regret to inform you that I will not be retiring at 32. It does seem like it would be an interesting ride, but I don’t believe that we are made to mooch off our wives and be lazy. We are made for so much more than just being complacent with our finances. Here are some things that are important for a husband to strive to achieve in my situation.

We are called to protect our wives, families, neighbors, and those around us. I don’t think that I can fully engage myself in this while being retired. I have to do some sort of work in order to make sure that those around me are safe. I’m not a huge fan of paying people to come do work for me, and this will not change after my wife lands her first job.

We are called to provide for those around us. This may be taking my kids to school and making sure that they have good food for lunch. I can take care of my parents and in-laws to make sure that their needs are met. I can volunteer or work at church, school, or develop projects on the side to provide. Supporting your wife to help her live out her dreams is important and can come down to minor details like washing dishes. As an example, by washing dishes while she is at work, I may be able to lessen her stress and provide a calming environment for her when she comes home.

As men we are called to work. Sitting around watching TV is not what we are made to do. Manual labor ability is something that we have been gifted. We are made to work, and I believe that even when men retire at 65, they can’t help themselves but work. They may not be working for money, but they are making improvements in their lives.

Main Takeaway

Love your wife and support her in the ways that you can. Becoming a doctor is not an easy path. As men and husbands we need to work to provide in the best ways that we see fit. It doesn’t always boil down to financial support, but it does sometimes. There are so many other things in our lives that we can do if we are not going to support our families financially, you just have to look for them and push yourself.

The Veermans

October 28, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Something that I admire in people is their willingness to take on life changes when it is going to be hard. It can be difficult to squeeze life events into schedules during medical school, but not impossible. Medical school consumes the lives of the students seemingly taking away (or delaying) different life opportunities. Not all students feel this way, but it appears to be this way for a majority of them from my perspective.

I have noticed there are quite a few single people looking to date during medical school. There are a few that meet their spouses during medical school and get married. I am not 100% sure, but I would guess that an even smaller number of couples get married during medical school. It can appear to be better to wait until after medical school, but not to Brent and Karyn.

Brent Veerman and Karyn Schmidt met each other during medical school. They met early in Karyn’s medical school career, and dated for about 20 months before getting married. This timeline currently puts Brent is his 4th year of medical school, and Karyn in her 3rd year. They got married on October 17th, 2020 which wasn’t long ago. Though they have been married for less than a month, they appear to be doing great. I have not heard any complaints, so it seems to be good so far. It takes some time to get used to living with someone, even your spouse. They are both great people with a long and happy marriage ahead of them. There will be more to come in their married lives, but I am primarily going to focus on their dating lives.

Daily Schedule

Seeing as both Brent and Karyn are medical students, it was difficult for them to tell if they were missing out on time together with their schedules. While dating there weren’t many times where one was free and the other was busy. Their schedules tended to align fairly regularly. Karyn doesn’t really see what they could have been missing, but it appears to be because they were so busy. Both of them enjoy cooking, and intend to keep cooking together after marriage. Cooking is a task they enjoy together and it gives them time together, and a meal. From my experience, taking time to cook a meal can build quality time together. I remember talking to Brent about he and Karyn cooking some different items, like potstickers, and how much he enjoys spending time with her.

One thing that seemed to weigh on Karyn while dating was the inability to have a lot of real dates. Real dates would be considered a time where she can go out with Brent to a nice meal, where they can have good conversation. They get to spend time together, but Karyn would prefer to have more time to go on dates. She hopes to have more of these opportunities now that they are married. From my perspective, Karyn enjoys making memories with Brent. It is unfortunate when we don’t have enough room in our schedules to get the amount of quality time that we would like.

Now that they are married, there will be changes in their daily schedules. One huge advantage that I can see is the fact that they get to spend every night together. One burden that I felt while dating was dropping my wife off at her dorm, and I know Brent and Karyn feel that as well. They have also experienced this because Brent and Karyn chose to put themselves in the same position while they were dating. It can be more expensive to live apart paying rent for two different places, but it’s worth it in my opinion. Getting to spend that time in the evening (and morning) with your spouse is one huge advantage for people when they are married. Being able to see your loved one at the end of each day makes a positive impact in their lives.

Stressors

From Karyn’s perspective, one of the biggest stressors for Brent has been choosing a specialty and where he would like to go for residency. This is a very common stressor that I have heard from medical students. One thing that makes the decision hard for Brent is he is one year ahead of Karyn. Depending on where he picks, and is chosen, they could be apart for one year while she completes medical school. It is difficult to balance making the choice between where to go and how far he will be from his wife.

Karyn chooses to help him handle the stress by talking through the stressful situations. This should allow Brent and Karyn to collaborate on big choices. They can put their minds together and share their viewpoints on the decision, which should help them make the decision with less stress. This is going to be a difficult decision for them, but not impossible. I know that I prefer to talk through stressful situations with my wife to make sure that I am making the right choice.

Brent enjoys working out and relaxing with his friends or roommates to handle stress. As everyone might know, exercise is a good stress reliever. That being said, exercise doesn’t relieve all stress on someone’s life. Karyn hopes that being married will allow them to spend more time together and in turn, lessen some of the stress in their lives. This has been the case for me, and for others that I have spoken with. Having someone by your side through your hardships makes a huge difference in the amount of stress accrued.

Extracurriculars

Brent and Karyn don’t have a ton of free time, but they work to make time for personal health. Brent works out regularly and enjoys playing intramural sports like basketball when possible. Karyn works out regularly on her own or with friends, but also spends time doing physical activities with Brent. Some physical activities that they enjoy together are tennis and mini golf.

Brent enjoys taking time for construction and crafting projects. I know that he enjoys doing these things, and I have invited him multiple times to my house to assist me on my projects. He has helped me work in my house, and we have worked on some projects of his as well. He was trying to find something to give Karyn as a wedding gift, so I offered him help so that he could build her gift. Brent spent a lot of time building her gift, and it’s amazing! Brent crafted a live edge maple and epoxy coffee table that will last them for years.

Karyn and Brent both enjoy traveling. Karyn has taken trips to Florida, Maine, and other places during medical school. They have gone on some trips and camped together, occasionally with Brent’s friends. Not really something I’m into, but Brent and Karyn are brave enough to have gone skydiving together! They trust each other a lot, and are enjoying the thrills of life together.

Satisfaction

Something important to keeping mental stamina up is enjoying the task at hand. Karyn knows overall Brent is enjoying his experience in medical school. Enjoying where he is in life will help him to work hard and feel satisfied. Karyn and Brent are able to have conversations daily recapping their experiences. This is something that I have found is much easier after marriage. In my opinion, it’s not hard to have a phone call to recap the day, but it’s a lot better in person. Being able to have an in-depth discussion recapping the day makes a difference in mental health. There are different events that happen during the day that take a toll on medical students. Patient condition, patient loss, and school work are common stressors. Talking about these things helps to reduce stress and can help to have more satisfaction in their work. Karyn is in a more unique situation when compared to me in my opinion. Since she is also a medical student, she can further relate to Brent when it comes to medicine than I will be able to relate to my wife. This offers a new perspective and will help them relate and converse with each other when it comes to medical field experiences. I don’t think that her situation gives a clear advantage over my situation, but it will be more beneficial is some aspects.

Finances

When it comes to students, finances tend to be a simple subject. Most students are forced to live off of loans due to not having income. Brent and Karyn are both medical students, which makes their financial situation tighter than mine. Medical school does not allow them any time during the year for a job. This is different than undergrad, which typically has summer vacation (time to make some money). They are currently living off of assistance from their parents and student loans. Without having steady income from a job it can be harder to live, but Karyn doesn’t feel this way. She feels that they are very fortunate in their lives financially. Part of the blessing is only having student loans through Brent. Paying off his loans will be their main focus as they progress into residency and the workforce.

Final Thoughts

Brent and Karyn put a significant amount of value on spending time together. I know for a fact they try to spend evenings and church together. Free time is hard to find, but they are trying to make it work. They are working together for a common goal, and helping each other along the way. I find this very useful because good mental health can be difficult to maintain with all of the strain becoming a doctor. They are open with each other (especially now that they are married) and can lean on each other when they are struggling. It can be difficult to make big life choices, and they have been working together on communication for a while.

They got married recently and will do great things in their lives and the medical field. As doctors they will work through good times and bad times together. They are able to relate to each other on a deeper level in their personal and professional lives. Valuable skills will be learned through these similarities and differences that they can pass to their kids. Brent and Karyn will be able to raise them with all the intuition and knowledge they have gained during these Med School years.

Getting married during medical school isn’t easy with the demand for time and commitment. Brent and Karyn are showing us that is it possible! Hopefully you (as the reader) can learn tips and tricks from their relationship, and implement them in your life.

A Day for Eternity

October 21, 2020 / Jacob Brown

After attending the wedding of a friend I began to think about some different concepts of marriage and misconceptions from society. I also began to think about the close friends that the bride and groom have in their lives.

The groom had one of his long time friends as his best man. I didn’t ask, but it may be his longest relationship with anyone outside of family. From what I remember, his relationship with his best man has lasted more than a decade. His friend has been there in his life since they were kids, and they have been close ever since. The bride had one of her family members as her maid of honor. This has been a lifelong relationship with lots of ups and downs. They have travelled together and comforted each other in times of need. They have taken care of each other for around two decades! That’s a long relationship and nearly all of their lives. Both the bride and groom have very close friends, which is awesome and will help them for the rest of their lives.

Legal Matters

Marriage, from a legal sense, is a binding contract tying people together. When we got married we went down to the court house and obtained a marriage license. We could have been married on the spot as long as we had a witness and person licensed to marry us. That would have been a lot cheaper, but not as fun as getting married surrounded by friends and family for a ceremony. When the paperwork is completed (and the marriage is consummated) both persons are tied together for life. That is the case unless it is annulled, divorce occurs, or one person dies.

Silk Sheets

When I got married I did not feel as if I had as tight of a friend group as my friends who got married recently. It was awesome seeing how both of them, the bride and groom, have had friends for all or nearly their entire lives. I’m not exactly sure of the cause, but I had a hard time with friends during my childhood. I had more friends while I was younger and that quantity reduced as I neared college. This seems to be normal for most everybody, but it caused me some issues when I was trying to choose groomsmen for my wedding.

Leading up to my wedding I struggled to find people to fill my spots for groomsmen because I didn’t have a lot of friends. I made my best man my older brother, and another groomsmen my younger brother. I had two spots to fill, and was left trying to decide who to choose. I ended up picking a couple great guys that I competed with in track. This worked out good for our ceremony, but I don’t talk to either of them today. We just weren’t that close. My wife chose her best friend at the time to be her maid of honor, and she still talks to her and hangs out with her on occasion. Some of her other bridesmaids were my sister and a couple other friends.

I am amazed and impressed by how close our friends are to their friends and family. They have people investing deeply into their lives, and have people they can talk to or help when they need it. As the header suggests, have a wedding party like “silk sheets.” Show those closest to you that you appreciate them and they are big in your life. They are almost, or are, like family to you. Keep it tightly knit.

Name Changing Game

Traditionally the woman will change her name to take the man’s name when getting married. This isn’t a requirement for marriage, but I am appreciative that my wife chose this route. In recent times people have contributed the name change (and marriage in general) to being a form of ownership over your spouse. I’m not really sure how people arrive at this, because to me this is not the case. We changed her last name and fulfilled the long time running name changing tradition. If it were traditional to change my name to match hers, I would in a heartbeat. For me, the change takes the cohesiveness of the relationship to another level. Here are some of the things I think about when looking at name changing after marriage.

When your names match, people can say things like: Oh look, the Brown’s are here!
Having the same last name shows unity and trust.
Having the same name includes everyone in the family. An example is if my wife and I had 4 kids, more than likely they would have my last name. My wife would be singled out with a different last name.

Keep in mind there aren’t any rules, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s all personal preference. Personally I enjoy having the same last name, but that doesn’t work for everybody depending on their view or place in life.

Unifying Tendencies

The average age that people are getting married is becoming later in life. So why is this? Are people too busy? Have they not met the right person? Marriage isn’t for everybody. There isn’t anything that says people have to get married in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. That would be crazy! It is interesting to me many people are putting it off until later in life.

I think one big influence is a societal acceptance of common marriage benefits. These have been pushed to become “normal dating relationship” benefits. Understand my use of “normal relationship benefits” means they are expected or at least are not looked down upon as much anymore in our society. This doesn’t mean that the different practices are beneficial, but they are more accepted.

People used to, and still do, wait until marriage before having sex. This has grown to become a benefit of dating in a lot of circles and is almost expected.
People have begun getting joint bank accounts together while dating. This did not used to be a common practice, and appears to have risen recently.
People move in together before marriage. This used to be a taboo practice, and has now become normal and is widely accepted.
We have a movement of people becoming single parents. We used to hold both parties more accountable and expect them to be there for their child or children.

The list above is comprised of things that I have noticed. Most, if not all of them, have factual evidence to prove that a relationship started in that manner will not be as successful when compared to couples that can abstain. It can be difficult to keep ourselves living separate lives when we want to be close, but it can make or break the relationship in the long run.

Final Thought

To finish out this post I would like to leave the idea that marriage works best as a selfless act. Yes we should look at the other person from what they can provide to our lives and relationship leading into marriage, but we should work in our relationships to benefit the other person. This is probably one of the most difficult concepts to practice, and to me one of the most important.

The First AHEC

October 14, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Being away from your spouse can be hard. After being married for a few years people tend to grow accustomed to being around their loved one and living a certain lifestyle. My wife and I are experiencing this for sure now that she is learning at a location too far to commute.

AHECs (Area Health Education Centers) allow the medical students to learn from different doctors in different locations. The students are able to find locations that they may want to participate. There are a lot of these programs available, so keep an eye out. Some of these locations are rural, which is where my wife is currently stationed. She is currently staying in a small hotel that is provided by the school. It is nice that we don’t have to directly pay for her to stay at a new location as it is worked into the tuition fees. Paying for her to stay in another city for a week and a half could be pretty expensive for us as well. She is at a small town near Willard, OH working one-on-one with a physician. This doctor works in the internal medicine field at a clinic and is also a hospitalist at a nearby hospital.

Being apart from each other is something that my wife and I have not had to experience regularly. It can be difficult not having dinner together, preparing for bed, or waking up next to each other. This is something that we have grown accustomed to, but we can still be in communication with each other even when at a distance. We have some of the greatest inventions of our time for communication including video chatting. It is nice to be able to see the face of our loved one as we have a conversation and can really help lift them up if they are down.

There are some things that my wife and I are doing to help her keep motivated and more comfortable. My wife took her pillow, which might seem weird, but being able to have a similarity in your bed can help sleep better. She took different snacks and food for breakfast so that she doesn’t have to rush in the morning. These are also the items that she usually enjoys. She drove a new vehicle, which should be more reliable and make her feel more comfortable making commutes.

We have to see the benefits of these kinds of situations.

New medical field experiences.
Experience new medical procedures.
Build independence.
Get your name out there.

It is a new experience, which can make it scary or discomforting. You might be in a hotel that doesn’t meet your standards or have to drive further than you want. This experience will help you learn to fend for yourself and become a better physician.

Keep In Mind

You are going to have new experiences. This is a new situation, so make the most of it. Be prepared (clothes and supplies) for the clinic or hospital in which you are working.

Do what you can to avoid becoming lonely. When you get home from work you may be alone, which will make it different than normal. My wife is used to me being there, and I need to make sure that she feels I am still invested.

Relax and have fun. You are going to experience some new people and procedures.

The Toppling of Pecuniary Unity

September 2, 2020 / Jacob Brown

If you are married or are looking to get married, you might be wondering how to avoid conflict in your relationship. I would venture to guess that most people do not enjoy arguing with or upsetting their spouse. We like to get along and work together to accomplish goals, not tear each other down. One way to avoid having large confrontations or arguments is to get ahead of them. You can do this by talking through topics that could and will cause arguments in the future, and getting on the same page together.

There are a lot of reasons that couples fight, but there are a couple major ones that seem to resurface if not resolved. One of those main topics is money. Money is an odd thing here in the United States because we operate with Fiat Currency system. This means that our currency has no backing, no real value. We used to operate on different standards, some of which are silver and gold. The metals have value and are useful, but we do not back our money this way anymore. Oddly enough, the reason that a $1 bill is worth $1 is because we choose to believe that this is the case.

To further grasp this idea, I like to imagine a broken future state of our country. The economy has crashed, stores have closed, and people are left on their own. Someone approaches me and asks me if I have any food that I could trade for one of the goods they have obtained. I have to protect and feed my family, so I choose to trade them a chicken for a package of seeds. The seeds have value to me because I can plant them and wait for harvest, gathering more food and seeds in the process. This will keep us alive and my family healthy. But what if I would have traded my chicken for a stack of $100 bills? I could probably use them for starting a fire a couple times, but they are not of any great value to me for my survival.

So why are we attached to money? I think one major reason that we are attached to money is due to the fact that we as humans like stuff. We like to have nice cars, houses, clothes, and electronics. We like to have nice watches and big TVs that we can show off to our friends. Money is the gateway to these things. Yes it is true that we need money to survive in today’s society, but it shouldn’t be everything that we are working toward. If our life is centered around things like money, it can cause issues that spread to other parts of our lives. What can we do in our marriage to avoid conflicts pertaining to money?

Open Joint Accounts

I believe that as married people we are to become one, and share everything with each other. I do not condone having separate bank accounts in a marriage. The main reason I do not like the idea of separate accounts for spouses is it creates secrecy within the relationship. Just like when we were kids we thought “secrets don’t make friends, but friends make secrets” was true, it is relevant today. Secrets and keeping information hidden that is relevant to the spouse can drive a wedge between you. It is also important to note that there is never a state of perfect equality in the world, and that is also true for spouse financials. One spouse will always make, spend, save, invest, or give more money than the other.

I did a fair amount of reading online to see other perspectives on this subject. Oddly enough, there are not a lot of writers out there supporting joint accounts. I went to my search engine and looked for “Should my spouse and I have a joint bank account?” and was surprised to see the top recommendations to read. The first three results talk about how to merge accounts, then the results turn into why we should not have joint accounts and the question of which is better, joint or individual? I will leave it to you to read, but the information given has one common theme. It is centered around “me” and most of the reasons lead to divorce. A popular reason to have individual accounts is, “when you get divorced, it is much more complicated.” I would hope that by choosing to get married you are not looking at it with anticipation of an upcoming divorce. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that needs your full commitment to function and thrive.

I understand that one spouse may be working providing income and the other may not, as in my case. A couple may be in a situation where both are working providing income at the same or differing rates. Having separate accounts in any fashion raises questions to me. Why is the one more entitled to money than the other? Why would the non-working spouse need a separate account or an allowance from the working spouse? If we are to be “one” with each other, how can that be if we are keeping things separate? The answer is that we can’t. We can’t be together and fully trust in each other if we have separation.

If it deals with money, make sure that both spouses have direct access. Some major accounts that we have are 1 checking account, 2 savings accounts, a credit card, and an investment account. Both of us have access and can see everything that is going on at all times. We also use a money management app that allows both of us to see our student loans and any other debt.

On a checking account or credit card account, make sure that both spouses have a card, and communicate what they are going to purchase. This may seem redundant or burdensome to continue to talk to your spouse every time you to make a purchase, but it is important in being transparent with your spouse. What happens if one spouse has their pay going into their account, and not a joint account? If the other spouse does not have access, the spouse depositing money is not really sharing. They are providing money to their spouse or family as a ration, or when they want to. It is usually an indication in a marriage that there is a lack of trust between spouses.

Are you worried that your spouse will overspend? I think that this is a common situation between spouses that pushes them to want individual accounts. They feel that their spouse does not have the self control or good money management skills, and would prefer that they don’t take their money. This is an issue that needs to get worked out another way as it can’t be solved by creating a barrier in your relationship.

We can overturn the argument for having separate account very easily by adding a baby to the situation. Who will buy diapers? Who will buy food? The baby is technically a 50-50 split between mother and father, so are you going to track expenses and make sure each parent spends exactly 50% of the cost to provide for their child? What if one spouse isn’t working? Are you going to have each parent pay into their child based off income? It seems to me that this is nearly impossible to do without arguing or causing conflict. There is no way we can draw the line equally, which leaves us to put it together and work with each other.

Communicate Purchases

Something that we enjoy doing is letting each other know when we are going to spend money. This is not really a situation where we are asking for permission as much as relaying information. My wife is in school and I work. So I am the only source of income right now. That being said, I don’t require my wife to ask for money or need permission to spend it. We choose to ask each other if we can make larger purchases, over $20, and inform each other when we are going to have smaller purchases. It is a situation where we work together to make sure that we stay on budget, and can continue to do fun things together. Having a joint account that our spouse can see helps to stay responsible. We are working for common goals, and are united in our trials and times of celebration.

Some examples of when we just inform each other (while staying within our budget) would be when she wants to stop and get coffee. It’s a purchase that is $5 tops, but keeping each other in the loop helps us to budget. When I want to make larger purchases, like $100 on hunting equipment, I ask her if that is okay so that we are on the same page. If the purchases are really big, like $1,000, we take the time to sit down and discuss why we want to make the purchase and how it will be beneficial to us.

Budget Together

I find it best to work together to figure out how much money should be spent on different categories. Some major categories are rent/mortgage, utilities, food, insurance, debt, and extra expenditures. All of these have variable costs, and we can pick how much we would like to spend. Do we want to live in a smaller house? Bigger house? Apartment? Maybe we want to have nicer food? Cheaper food? Or maybe we want to take trips every month and put it down as extra expenditures. Everything has a price, and we can choose how much we want to pay (to an extent) and set ourselves up with different products. I urge you to sit down with your spouse and dig through financials before spending. An even better plan is sitting down with your fiancé and hashing this out before getting married. There are a lot of things out there that cost money, and it can be difficult to figure out what we should purchase. Not only do you have the benefit of making a budget together, this will give you an opportunity to learn more about your significant other. We tend to buy things that we think are important.

Disclose Your Debts

One important thing to me when people are getting married is that they are transparent about all finances. If you have debt, just like with money in our account, you need to make sure your soon-to-be spouse is aware. It would be quite a surprise to get married, then find out that your spouse has $40,000 in debt that they did not tell you about. This can cause a lot of stress in your relationship, and being transparent about debts can save a lot of headache and build trust. You are married to this person, and they need to be in your life more now than when you were dating. Having a spouse in medical school, I have become very familiar with loans and debt. Taking these loans upon myself in addition to her is a commitment that I made to my wife when we got married, and having this debt is OURS, not just hers.

Our experiences

My wife and I got married in college. She went to school for free, and I took out loans. Getting married during college means you are “rich”, so we had that going for us. We have strived to be transparent with each other about what we spend and our debts and have kept our arguments to a minimum so far. We have only been married for a little over 4 years, but our financial situation has changed quite a bit from college. We’ve adjusted to these changes by changing our budget and discussing our new financial goals. There is no way to completely avoid conflict, no matter how well you are being transparent.

We live in a world that is increasing promoting separation of property between spouses. Over half of the marriages in the United States consist of separate bank accounts, and the divorce rate is about 50% across the board. Are they correlated? Maybe. It’s hard to tell, but we are being influenced to keep our lives separate and be selfish over our property. It is crucial to me that each spouse works for the other person, and not for themselves. That doesn’t mean that they never get to do anything for themselves, but they should be conscious of what they do or buy.

I urge you to work for a common goal and do your best. Keep communication open and trust each other. Build the kind of relationship that will allow you to share and not worry about your spouse. Working together will make your life better and help you create a better life in marriage.

The Collegiate Marriage Gain

August 19, 2020 / Jacob Brown

There are a lot of positive aspects and advantages to getting married. My wife and I got married while earning our undergraduate degrees. I know that a lot of people date through college and waited until afterward because they don’t feel they were ready. There is nothing wrong with waiting until after you graduate from college, but I would like to explain how we went about getting married during college. Getting married while in school was a good move for us, and it might be for you as well.

It may seem a little bit scary to get married while in school, and I totally understand. There were a lot of factors that we considered before deciding to get married while in school. After we gathered information online and from our families, we decided that it would be better to get married while in school, instead of waiting until after we graduated.

Following are some of our main concerns that we had while we were trying to get married during college. There may be more, but these are some big ones that I am confident will resonate with others.

Can we afford to rent an apartment? Eat? Gas? Insurance? Phones? We decided to make a spreadsheet of all of our future expenses. Rent, utilities, gas, insurance, food, and extra expenses were some of our main categories. We crunched all of the numbers and found an approximate amount of money that we would have to make during the summer in order to live. We were able to live in an apartment owned by my parents for free, the rent cost to us was providing the upkeep for the property. My wife’s parents offered to pay for our phones, which was a huge help is getting us started. Her parents also offered to pay for her gas, which also helped a lot. We tried to be fairly strict on our food budget so that we would have extra money to do fun activities together. My wife took the initiative to work at the school as a lab assistant to bring in extra money. It wasn’t a lot of money, but it was enough to boost our bank account and made it possible for us to partake in fun activities together.

Are her parents prepared to pay for the wedding? This seems to be a huge deal for the bride’s parents (if they are paying for it). Weddings can be very costly, but that all depends on how the event has been planned. Is it low budget? Is it very extravagant? Is it somewhere in the middle? Getting married can be as low cost or as expensive as we want it to be. We worked with my wife’s parents to find out what they wanted and could pay and went from there. Not everyone’s parents have the ability to pay for something like this if they are also paying for their child’s school bills. It could be another big expense to add on at a hard time.

Will we have somewhere to live together? Like I said above, my parents were able to let us live in a property that they owned. Not everyone will be able to have this blessing, but some do. Some people are able to live at their parent’s house and go to school if they live close enough. If you are unable to have this opportunity, I urge you to find housing that is at the bottom of your budget, just inside the limit of feeling safe where you live. It doesn’t have to be a large place or have lots of amenities. You won’t live there very long, and will enjoy the money that you save. I know a couple that we went to college with that lived at the husband’s parent’s house. The parents were out of town a lot, so they had the house completely to themselves most of the year.

How much do we need to make during the summer? Overall, this is one of the biggest considerations for people in college. The work during the summer provides all or nearly all of the income for the person while they are in college. We worked at our own jobs during the summer then had to make it work for the most part. It is hard to have a good paying summer job when you are a seasonal worker. We took this amount of money and used it to help us budget for the school year. From what I remember, we had about $6,000 from summer work to stretch across 9 months so that we could make it through the school year. This isn’t a lot of money, so budgeting is crucial.

Can we get better financial aid when we get married? For those that don’t know, financial aid is offered to college students. The federal and state financial aid is used to help those whose families are under a certain threshold of income so that they can go to college. From our experience (same rules are set today) we were able to get more aid after we were married than before. This is due to the fact that when you get married YOU are the head of household, not a dependent. When you fill out everything and show that your household makes very little money, you can get full assistance. When we got married we missed the cutoff for state aid, but were able to receive the federal aid. This resulted in only paying about $5,000 for the school year. Then, the following year after we made the cutoff for federal and state we were able to get paid to go to school. We were able to use that money for cost of living and save our money from working during the summer.

Will we keep our school scholarships? I’m sure there are scholarships that you are not able to keep when you are married. My wife and I did not have those types of scholarships. My wife won a scholarship through the presidential scholarship competition at the college we attended. This money paid for all of her schooling the last 2 school years after we got married. I had very little loans my junior year, and none my senior year.

Can we keep our friend groups after marriage? From my experience, you should be able to keep all of your friends after you get married. There are limitations, but this is a general rule. I also found that it is good to hang out with your friends and have time with them. It is good to be yourself and have fun with friends or alone, and not only with your spouse.

Do our families approve of the decision? How can we explain our decision to them so they understand we can make it? We didn’t have to convince our parents in my opinion. We did do a lot to demonstrate how we would make it and how we had planned out our budgeting. Having enough money is hard, but it can be done. I would suggest putting together a budget with expenses that shows an approximate income and living expenses for the entire year. After all, you will still need some sort of living space when school is out of session.

If you are looking at getting married while in college, you may be thinking of the same questions we did. We spent well over a year figuring out everything for after we got married, we started before we were engaged. That being said, not everyone has the same concerns or needs as much time to make decisions as we did. If you want to get married, you can do it.

I am not a fan of long engagements, and believe that when we know we want to get married, we should do it as soon as possible. This is partly why we got married while in college, we are also “high school sweethearts.” Our engagement was about 9 months, which was plenty long for the wedding planning. Most of the wedding planning was done during the school year. Take time to think about what you will gain by getting married in college. It is a challenge at times, but well worth it in my opinion.