People tend to assume (jokingly) that I have married for the money. That isn’t totally true, since I have less money now than ever. I tend to tell them that I married for the “future” money, and just haven’t gotten my return yet on my investment. This is a joke, of course, but for whatever reason this is the first thing that comes to the minds of people I meet when I tell them that my wife is in medical school. Something that I have been wondering about lately is why? Why is this the first thing that comes to their mind? There are a lot of other ideas that come to mind why I married my wife, and none of them are for the money.
It can be difficult to tell whether or not we are doing well as a spouse in our relationships. We can only try our best, and try to play our cards in the best way possible. There are typical roles for brides and grooms in a married relationship, and I am going to describe why an atypical role (like mine) as a husband is exactly what husbands should be doing in the way of finances. This is assuming that my wife will be making more money than me after she completes medical school.
The Typical Circumstance
For the longest time, husbands have been the breadwinner of the household. Husbands have a natural drive to compete with others and provide for their families in the best way they see fit. This tends to drive men to earn money in order to provide everything from shelter to food. Without the dedication of the other half of the relationship it would be very difficult to have a car, house, or food in today’s society. Due to being gone all day, or night, the wife tends to cover most of the other tasks. I am in a similar situation in my life. My wife is in school and is not working, so I am the only one with time to work. I tend to pitch in to do chores around the home as well.
We are currently in a phase of life where I am the breadwinner, but that may not always be the case. When my wife finishes residency and begins practicing medicine she will be paid quite a bit. Will it be more than I am making? More than likely. Does the fact that my wife will make more than me upset me? No. I think that our society is on a path for more women to be out-earning men, and I will not be the only one gifted with this situation.
Why would I be upset about my wife working hard and striving to be the best wife and doctor she can be in this life? In my opinion, having the view that the man HAS to make more than the wife is a little selfish. Money is not the only contribution that a spouse can make into their relationship, but it is one of them. In this situation, where my wife makes more money than me, what can I do to continue to contribute to our relationship and our lives?
Future Finances
As with most relationships, the husband can continue to work after his wife becomes a doctor. Just because one person has a high income does not mean that the spouse has to just sit at home. I believe that as husbands we are called to provide for our families. If the thing that we see our family needs is more money, then we need to go work to provide. This is not a time to be complacent or push the responsibility of providing solely onto our wives. She has other skills that men do not possess, and we need to work together. I plan on continuing to work in some capacity. This may involve a job change or other circumstances depending on some other life events. If we have kids at the time this could mean that I provide for my family by taking care of them. If we want to have them in child care, this could mean that I would work a normal engineering job and earn additional income. I like to joke with people that I will just retire when she becomes a doctor, but I think there are too many things on my list of to-dos. Retiring at 32 seems like it would be a dream, but I would continue to work and provide what my family needs at that time.
Something that I can see doing to assist my wife in the way of finances is help her balance our budget, or do the leg work with accountants so that we can get where we want to be financially. Money is money, and doesn’t run our lives. My wife wants to be a doctor, typically a high paying job, to help people in need and make money along the way.
Early Retirement
Like I said before, as men and husbands we are called to take care of our wives and families. This isn’t always financially, but can be. I regret to inform you that I will not be retiring at 32. It does seem like it would be an interesting ride, but I don’t believe that we are made to mooch off our wives and be lazy. We are made for so much more than just being complacent with our finances. Here are some things that are important for a husband to strive to achieve in my situation.
We are called to protect our wives, families, neighbors, and those around us. I don’t think that I can fully engage myself in this while being retired. I have to do some sort of work in order to make sure that those around me are safe. I’m not a huge fan of paying people to come do work for me, and this will not change after my wife lands her first job.
We are called to provide for those around us. This may be taking my kids to school and making sure that they have good food for lunch. I can take care of my parents and in-laws to make sure that their needs are met. I can volunteer or work at church, school, or develop projects on the side to provide. Supporting your wife to help her live out her dreams is important and can come down to minor details like washing dishes. As an example, by washing dishes while she is at work, I may be able to lessen her stress and provide a calming environment for her when she comes home.
As men we are called to work. Sitting around watching TV is not what we are made to do. Manual labor ability is something that we have been gifted. We are made to work, and I believe that even when men retire at 65, they can’t help themselves but work. They may not be working for money, but they are making improvements in their lives.
Main Takeaway
Love your wife and support her in the ways that you can. Becoming a doctor is not an easy path. As men and husbands we need to work to provide in the best ways that we see fit. It doesn’t always boil down to financial support, but it does sometimes. There are so many other things in our lives that we can do if we are not going to support our families financially, you just have to look for them and push yourself.
Awesome post Jacob. Nice job.