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Friends, Quantity or Quality?

September 16, 2020 / Jacob Brown

My wife and I began dating during high school after our freshman year. My parents set a rule for me (a good rule) that I was not allowed to date anyone until we were 16 years old. Yeah we “officially” started dating when I was 15, but I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere with her during the summer after our freshman year. We didn’t really start dating until I turned 16 in August of 2011.

I used to think that the rule that I couldn’t date until I was 16 was a dumb rule, but looking back it was good. By the time I was 16 I was almost old enough to drive. At 16 years and 9 months I was able to drive by myself, which allowed me to go spend time with my then girlfriend without my agents dropping me off. My parents still did a fair amount of dropping me off halfway to her house and her dad picking me up so that I didn’t have to drive the 25 minutes to her parents’ house.

There were a few different vibes I got from my “then” friends that are worth mentioning. Some of them are negative, some positive, but most of them are the reason that we lost touch over the years. I will continue to reiterate this idea but, am I upset about losing those friendships? No. Looking at our life situation in its current state, we do not live anywhere near our home town and most them do not either. We all have our own lives and there are different things in this world for us. We are sent on different paths after high school or college, which also breaks down these relationships.

You deserve better.

This was fairly common from my “then” friends that were female. It’s a subjective phrase that is based of their morals or values, but mine are different. Most of my friends at the time did not want to date me (that I knew of), but they also didn’t want me to date someone that they felt wasn’t up to my level from their perspective. I’m sure from their perspective they thought that they were doing what they thought was right trying to warn me of something terrible to come. I was confident, and still am, that they did not like my wife for petty reasons, and they thought that she was a bad person. Obviously, I didn’t care what they told me as it is my life. I know more about my wife than they knew about her, which makes a big difference. I decided to venture past my friends’ opinions of someone and get to know my future wife and it was a great decision. As you might be able to guess, I do not have any of these female friends today. This isn’t just because of my dating my wife, but our other influences in life. I went to a different college than them. I live in a different state than most of them.

At this point I lost about 5 of my closer 10-12 friends. Was I upset about this? No. I wouldn’t trade my decisions for anything or go back in time to change them. The people that I figured were closest to me turned out to not be the most supportive. God has a plan in our lives, and sometimes it may hurt or not be what we think it needs to be.

The Silent Treatment.

This is probably more of a guy thing than a girl thing. When I started dating my future wife I was abandoned by some of my closest guy friends. One possible reason for this is they wanted to date her. Another possible reason is that the friends that I had hung out with the girls that did not like her. So, those girls dictated who the guys were inviting to parties or to hang out. I would guess that I had somewhere between 5-7 closer friends at this point, and lost all but 2 of them. The one that remained is the type of person that I could trust in and rely on. The rest of my friend group didn’t align with what I was working for in life, and that’s ok! We don’t have to keep the same friends for our entire life, and we don’t have to agree with everything that they say or do.

Going to college.

My wife and I attended the same undergraduate university, which made it much easier to date. I went down a different path than my high school friends. Most of them attended other state schools or private schools that were distant from me. Some of them went into the military or moved across the country. This created a divide in our relationships that left me with 0 high school friends that were close. I still feel like I have 2 distant friends that I can still contact if I have something come up.

From my time in college I gained 1 friend that I feel I can contact anytime with questions. That being said, we do not live near each other which can make things difficult.

My main takeaways.

Don’t worry about how many friends you have right now, think about the quality of those relationships. So if I add up all my close friends during my time that I was dating, I would say I have 1. I started with somewhere around 10-12 and have landed at 1. This is not a sad story or a low number to me. I have always been a fan of quality over quantity. We can not properly maintain close relationships with large quantities of people, especially if those people do not have the same interests at heart. We can do our best to please others, but in the end, we have to find what makes us happy and fulfilled in life. The number will always change while we find closer connections.

Choose what is best for you, not for them. It would be nice if we had the same opinions as our friends, but that is not always possible. There are times that our friends are right. They have their own set of experiences and have learned from them. We should take that into consideration when they are offering opinions to us. I urge you to investigate what they are telling you. It may or may not sway your opinion, but it is good to listen to outside voices.

Try to maintain relationships that you want to keep. After I graduated from college my wife and I moved here to Ohio, which is far from my classmates. By “maintain” I don’t mean that you need to chase after past relationships, but build good ones with the people around you. This may mean that you used to have a relationship with them or have for a long time, but it doesn’t have to.

I wrote this because I feel that it is hard to maintain friendships at the different stages of life in American society. We are all going separate ways quickly in our high paced culture. We leave high school to attend different universities and colleges, and have a hard time finding people we can relate to that who will be there long term. My solution to this has been to make friends where I am, supporting and encouraging them in hopes that they will support and encourage me. As we come to a closing of medical school in about a 1.5 years, I know that we may not see any of the other students again. Knowing that you will be separated and will most likely not see your friends again is hard, but that doesn’t mean that you completely lose contact. To me it means that it can be harder, but it’s more meaningful to leave a quality lasting impression on a few people than just a glimpse of who we are on a lot of people.

The Power of the Smoker

September 9, 2020 / Jacob Brown

When I was a junior in college I made the venture to purchase a pellet grill. They were gaining popularity on the market, and were a lot of new manufacturers. I found one that seemed to have a good warranty, so I made the $600 venture to purchase one. I did a lot of research and found one that fit our needs and wasn’t too small or large for what we wanted to cook. If you are familiar with hot smoking meat you know that it takes time. Low and slow is the name of the game. Most of the cooking takes place between 4 and 18 hours. The longer cooks tend to be the larger cuts of meat like Pork Butts and Brisket.

As a college student, that was a lot of money. It was also our first wedding anniversary, so I didn’t mind spending the money. We were able to cook a lot of food for ourselves and our friends during college. I enjoyed hosting groups of people so that we could spend time together. I found out a while back that I need to ask people to bring a side, drink, or dessert. People seem to be happier attending if they feel like they are contributing to the meal. In this photo there are 3 chickens. I will occasionally cook chickens and clean the meat off the bones to use for sandwiches or soup. We also eat a lot of it plain with sauce. When smoking chicken, it takes a little practice to get the skin crisp, but keep the meat moist. This chicken can really be used for anything that takes chicken in the recipe. I think smoking really improves the flavor of any chicken dish.

Let me tell you, this has been my greatest outdoor cooking equipment purchase ever. There are no limits of what we can cook, and everything comes out good. We tend to cook at home during holidays, birthdays, and just for fun during the week. During my first year having it I cooked about 3 days per week. I used it more than I did my stove. I did quite a bit of cooking pork butts while I was gone in class, and overnight while I slept. Sleeping helps the time fly while doing these long 16+ hour cooks. I have cooked different items since I have been out of college, and have found people to hang out with on occasion. The photo is of raw Italian meatballs that I smoked for spaghetti subs. Also pictured are a couple spaghetti subs that a med student and I enjoyed. Garlic toasted Italian loaf with meatballs, spaghetti sauce, melted mozzarella and topped with Parmesan.

I have done quite a bit of pulled pork (Boston Butt) in my smoker. I wish I would have kept track, because I would guess it is about 100 of them so far in my smoker. I cooked for my friends in college, for my family when they come to our home, and for medical students. We have hosted Thanksgiving for our friends, and had double dates as well. For Thanksgiving we always try to cook a turkey. Smoking makes a really tender and juicy turkey, and awesome gravy. The real wood fired flavor is cooked right into the meat, creating a flavor that can’t be done in an oven. Pictured is a single chicken, not quite the size of a turkey, but just as delicious.

We cook other items like pizza, pie, steak and hot dogs. It has just been a really good time having for fellowship with others and having good food for ourselves. Owning a smoker has allowed us to spend time with people, getting to know them. We have shared numerous meals with friends and strangers and have grown closer to a lot of them.

The True Power

After owning a smoker for a couple years I would deem its greatest power is bringing people together. We have not had opportunities lately with COVID-19, but we like to share with others when possible. It has been different enough from what others normally eat to attract them to try out the food. We hosted most of our track team while in college. We had the opportunity to host Thanksgiving with 20+ medical students for 2019. Not only did this allow us to meet new people, and get to know our friends more, but we get to have more fellowship together. We get to relate to each other in conversation sharing our experiences. It is always a good time where students can relax and just have a good meal. Food brings people together, but good food makes for a better time.

The Toppling of Pecuniary Unity

September 2, 2020 / Jacob Brown

If you are married or are looking to get married, you might be wondering how to avoid conflict in your relationship. I would venture to guess that most people do not enjoy arguing with or upsetting their spouse. We like to get along and work together to accomplish goals, not tear each other down. One way to avoid having large confrontations or arguments is to get ahead of them. You can do this by talking through topics that could and will cause arguments in the future, and getting on the same page together.

There are a lot of reasons that couples fight, but there are a couple major ones that seem to resurface if not resolved. One of those main topics is money. Money is an odd thing here in the United States because we operate with Fiat Currency system. This means that our currency has no backing, no real value. We used to operate on different standards, some of which are silver and gold. The metals have value and are useful, but we do not back our money this way anymore. Oddly enough, the reason that a $1 bill is worth $1 is because we choose to believe that this is the case.

To further grasp this idea, I like to imagine a broken future state of our country. The economy has crashed, stores have closed, and people are left on their own. Someone approaches me and asks me if I have any food that I could trade for one of the goods they have obtained. I have to protect and feed my family, so I choose to trade them a chicken for a package of seeds. The seeds have value to me because I can plant them and wait for harvest, gathering more food and seeds in the process. This will keep us alive and my family healthy. But what if I would have traded my chicken for a stack of $100 bills? I could probably use them for starting a fire a couple times, but they are not of any great value to me for my survival.

So why are we attached to money? I think one major reason that we are attached to money is due to the fact that we as humans like stuff. We like to have nice cars, houses, clothes, and electronics. We like to have nice watches and big TVs that we can show off to our friends. Money is the gateway to these things. Yes it is true that we need money to survive in today’s society, but it shouldn’t be everything that we are working toward. If our life is centered around things like money, it can cause issues that spread to other parts of our lives. What can we do in our marriage to avoid conflicts pertaining to money?

Open Joint Accounts

I believe that as married people we are to become one, and share everything with each other. I do not condone having separate bank accounts in a marriage. The main reason I do not like the idea of separate accounts for spouses is it creates secrecy within the relationship. Just like when we were kids we thought “secrets don’t make friends, but friends make secrets” was true, it is relevant today. Secrets and keeping information hidden that is relevant to the spouse can drive a wedge between you. It is also important to note that there is never a state of perfect equality in the world, and that is also true for spouse financials. One spouse will always make, spend, save, invest, or give more money than the other.

I did a fair amount of reading online to see other perspectives on this subject. Oddly enough, there are not a lot of writers out there supporting joint accounts. I went to my search engine and looked for “Should my spouse and I have a joint bank account?” and was surprised to see the top recommendations to read. The first three results talk about how to merge accounts, then the results turn into why we should not have joint accounts and the question of which is better, joint or individual? I will leave it to you to read, but the information given has one common theme. It is centered around “me” and most of the reasons lead to divorce. A popular reason to have individual accounts is, “when you get divorced, it is much more complicated.” I would hope that by choosing to get married you are not looking at it with anticipation of an upcoming divorce. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that needs your full commitment to function and thrive.

I understand that one spouse may be working providing income and the other may not, as in my case. A couple may be in a situation where both are working providing income at the same or differing rates. Having separate accounts in any fashion raises questions to me. Why is the one more entitled to money than the other? Why would the non-working spouse need a separate account or an allowance from the working spouse? If we are to be “one” with each other, how can that be if we are keeping things separate? The answer is that we can’t. We can’t be together and fully trust in each other if we have separation.

If it deals with money, make sure that both spouses have direct access. Some major accounts that we have are 1 checking account, 2 savings accounts, a credit card, and an investment account. Both of us have access and can see everything that is going on at all times. We also use a money management app that allows both of us to see our student loans and any other debt.

On a checking account or credit card account, make sure that both spouses have a card, and communicate what they are going to purchase. This may seem redundant or burdensome to continue to talk to your spouse every time you to make a purchase, but it is important in being transparent with your spouse. What happens if one spouse has their pay going into their account, and not a joint account? If the other spouse does not have access, the spouse depositing money is not really sharing. They are providing money to their spouse or family as a ration, or when they want to. It is usually an indication in a marriage that there is a lack of trust between spouses.

Are you worried that your spouse will overspend? I think that this is a common situation between spouses that pushes them to want individual accounts. They feel that their spouse does not have the self control or good money management skills, and would prefer that they don’t take their money. This is an issue that needs to get worked out another way as it can’t be solved by creating a barrier in your relationship.

We can overturn the argument for having separate account very easily by adding a baby to the situation. Who will buy diapers? Who will buy food? The baby is technically a 50-50 split between mother and father, so are you going to track expenses and make sure each parent spends exactly 50% of the cost to provide for their child? What if one spouse isn’t working? Are you going to have each parent pay into their child based off income? It seems to me that this is nearly impossible to do without arguing or causing conflict. There is no way we can draw the line equally, which leaves us to put it together and work with each other.

Communicate Purchases

Something that we enjoy doing is letting each other know when we are going to spend money. This is not really a situation where we are asking for permission as much as relaying information. My wife is in school and I work. So I am the only source of income right now. That being said, I don’t require my wife to ask for money or need permission to spend it. We choose to ask each other if we can make larger purchases, over $20, and inform each other when we are going to have smaller purchases. It is a situation where we work together to make sure that we stay on budget, and can continue to do fun things together. Having a joint account that our spouse can see helps to stay responsible. We are working for common goals, and are united in our trials and times of celebration.

Some examples of when we just inform each other (while staying within our budget) would be when she wants to stop and get coffee. It’s a purchase that is $5 tops, but keeping each other in the loop helps us to budget. When I want to make larger purchases, like $100 on hunting equipment, I ask her if that is okay so that we are on the same page. If the purchases are really big, like $1,000, we take the time to sit down and discuss why we want to make the purchase and how it will be beneficial to us.

Budget Together

I find it best to work together to figure out how much money should be spent on different categories. Some major categories are rent/mortgage, utilities, food, insurance, debt, and extra expenditures. All of these have variable costs, and we can pick how much we would like to spend. Do we want to live in a smaller house? Bigger house? Apartment? Maybe we want to have nicer food? Cheaper food? Or maybe we want to take trips every month and put it down as extra expenditures. Everything has a price, and we can choose how much we want to pay (to an extent) and set ourselves up with different products. I urge you to sit down with your spouse and dig through financials before spending. An even better plan is sitting down with your fiancé and hashing this out before getting married. There are a lot of things out there that cost money, and it can be difficult to figure out what we should purchase. Not only do you have the benefit of making a budget together, this will give you an opportunity to learn more about your significant other. We tend to buy things that we think are important.

Disclose Your Debts

One important thing to me when people are getting married is that they are transparent about all finances. If you have debt, just like with money in our account, you need to make sure your soon-to-be spouse is aware. It would be quite a surprise to get married, then find out that your spouse has $40,000 in debt that they did not tell you about. This can cause a lot of stress in your relationship, and being transparent about debts can save a lot of headache and build trust. You are married to this person, and they need to be in your life more now than when you were dating. Having a spouse in medical school, I have become very familiar with loans and debt. Taking these loans upon myself in addition to her is a commitment that I made to my wife when we got married, and having this debt is OURS, not just hers.

Our experiences

My wife and I got married in college. She went to school for free, and I took out loans. Getting married during college means you are “rich”, so we had that going for us. We have strived to be transparent with each other about what we spend and our debts and have kept our arguments to a minimum so far. We have only been married for a little over 4 years, but our financial situation has changed quite a bit from college. We’ve adjusted to these changes by changing our budget and discussing our new financial goals. There is no way to completely avoid conflict, no matter how well you are being transparent.

We live in a world that is increasing promoting separation of property between spouses. Over half of the marriages in the United States consist of separate bank accounts, and the divorce rate is about 50% across the board. Are they correlated? Maybe. It’s hard to tell, but we are being influenced to keep our lives separate and be selfish over our property. It is crucial to me that each spouse works for the other person, and not for themselves. That doesn’t mean that they never get to do anything for themselves, but they should be conscious of what they do or buy.

I urge you to work for a common goal and do your best. Keep communication open and trust each other. Build the kind of relationship that will allow you to share and not worry about your spouse. Working together will make your life better and help you create a better life in marriage.

Compounding Fatigue

August 26, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Being the spouse of a medical student, I have been able to be an onlooker behind the scenes of becoming a doctor. I try to pay attention and listen to my wife to gain knowledge in what she is doing, and how she is doing. It is not always easy to tell if she is doing well or not, but there are days it is obvious. Do you feel exhausted? Are you struggling to focus because you are tired? You are not alone. Lots of medical students feel this way.

She is currently in her rotation with Family Medicine, her first rotation was General Surgery and second being Orthopedic Surgery. So far, she has not been stressed as much in this specialty as she was during surgery. She has been at the hospital for a week to experience family medicine, so it may be too early to make any real conclusions. It appears to me that most of the stress she was experiencing during surgery was not so much the work, but the time. Surgery took up a lot of time in her day, and she still had to study for other work at the same time.

Her hardest days do not seem to revolve around a specific event, but is caused by a series of difficult days. Most of the hardships seem to stem from lack of sleep and rest, which has other repercussions. To further explain, it is like filling a 5 gallon bucket with 1 gallon of water each day. On a day where she gets a perfect nights sleep, 1 gallon of water would be drained from the bucket. On a bad nights sleep, there might only be 0.5 gallons of water will drain, leaving 0.5 gallons in the bucket. If this cycle continues for multiple days in a row, the bucket can fill completely and overflow. This is what I would say is a “breakdown day”, where the stress reaches a maximum and she has a hard time getting stuff done. If at this point if the cycle isn’t broken, the days of being overly stressed will continue. On the other hand, if she can get better rest, the days of overly stress can reduce and she functions better.

We have been trying to find ways to reduce her stress and help her keep going in school. Weekends need to be more oriented around things she enjoys, and time away from chaos. I’m not sure we will ever find a perfect solution, but we will keep trying to find new ways to help. Some activities that seem to help right now are taking walks (and talking), riding bikes, watching tv, and playing video games. Some other things that she enjoys doing are reading and completing coloring books.

What we have learned.

Something that we learned and I continue to remind my wife is how these hardships may feel like they will destroy her, and in the end will build her up. Though it is hard now, she will one day benefit from the hard work she is putting into this time in life. As she continues to persevere through the pain, fatigue, and emotional stress, she will become stronger. At the completion of this goal, she will become a doctor and will have many opportunities to help people. This will also fulfill one of her dreams.

It is key to have rest, as it is just as important as work time. Making sure that she rests will help her run and prevent burnout. Medical School is only 4 years, but these are hard years. There are more challenges now, than previously in the students academic career. Get a good nights sleep, eat well, and find a hobby you can do in your spare time. It will make a big difference in your productivity, and happiness.

The Collegiate Marriage Gain

August 19, 2020 / Jacob Brown

There are a lot of positive aspects and advantages to getting married. My wife and I got married while earning our undergraduate degrees. I know that a lot of people date through college and waited until afterward because they don’t feel they were ready. There is nothing wrong with waiting until after you graduate from college, but I would like to explain how we went about getting married during college. Getting married while in school was a good move for us, and it might be for you as well.

It may seem a little bit scary to get married while in school, and I totally understand. There were a lot of factors that we considered before deciding to get married while in school. After we gathered information online and from our families, we decided that it would be better to get married while in school, instead of waiting until after we graduated.

Following are some of our main concerns that we had while we were trying to get married during college. There may be more, but these are some big ones that I am confident will resonate with others.

Can we afford to rent an apartment? Eat? Gas? Insurance? Phones? We decided to make a spreadsheet of all of our future expenses. Rent, utilities, gas, insurance, food, and extra expenses were some of our main categories. We crunched all of the numbers and found an approximate amount of money that we would have to make during the summer in order to live. We were able to live in an apartment owned by my parents for free, the rent cost to us was providing the upkeep for the property. My wife’s parents offered to pay for our phones, which was a huge help is getting us started. Her parents also offered to pay for her gas, which also helped a lot. We tried to be fairly strict on our food budget so that we would have extra money to do fun activities together. My wife took the initiative to work at the school as a lab assistant to bring in extra money. It wasn’t a lot of money, but it was enough to boost our bank account and made it possible for us to partake in fun activities together.

Are her parents prepared to pay for the wedding? This seems to be a huge deal for the bride’s parents (if they are paying for it). Weddings can be very costly, but that all depends on how the event has been planned. Is it low budget? Is it very extravagant? Is it somewhere in the middle? Getting married can be as low cost or as expensive as we want it to be. We worked with my wife’s parents to find out what they wanted and could pay and went from there. Not everyone’s parents have the ability to pay for something like this if they are also paying for their child’s school bills. It could be another big expense to add on at a hard time.

Will we have somewhere to live together? Like I said above, my parents were able to let us live in a property that they owned. Not everyone will be able to have this blessing, but some do. Some people are able to live at their parent’s house and go to school if they live close enough. If you are unable to have this opportunity, I urge you to find housing that is at the bottom of your budget, just inside the limit of feeling safe where you live. It doesn’t have to be a large place or have lots of amenities. You won’t live there very long, and will enjoy the money that you save. I know a couple that we went to college with that lived at the husband’s parent’s house. The parents were out of town a lot, so they had the house completely to themselves most of the year.

How much do we need to make during the summer? Overall, this is one of the biggest considerations for people in college. The work during the summer provides all or nearly all of the income for the person while they are in college. We worked at our own jobs during the summer then had to make it work for the most part. It is hard to have a good paying summer job when you are a seasonal worker. We took this amount of money and used it to help us budget for the school year. From what I remember, we had about $6,000 from summer work to stretch across 9 months so that we could make it through the school year. This isn’t a lot of money, so budgeting is crucial.

Can we get better financial aid when we get married? For those that don’t know, financial aid is offered to college students. The federal and state financial aid is used to help those whose families are under a certain threshold of income so that they can go to college. From our experience (same rules are set today) we were able to get more aid after we were married than before. This is due to the fact that when you get married YOU are the head of household, not a dependent. When you fill out everything and show that your household makes very little money, you can get full assistance. When we got married we missed the cutoff for state aid, but were able to receive the federal aid. This resulted in only paying about $5,000 for the school year. Then, the following year after we made the cutoff for federal and state we were able to get paid to go to school. We were able to use that money for cost of living and save our money from working during the summer.

Will we keep our school scholarships? I’m sure there are scholarships that you are not able to keep when you are married. My wife and I did not have those types of scholarships. My wife won a scholarship through the presidential scholarship competition at the college we attended. This money paid for all of her schooling the last 2 school years after we got married. I had very little loans my junior year, and none my senior year.

Can we keep our friend groups after marriage? From my experience, you should be able to keep all of your friends after you get married. There are limitations, but this is a general rule. I also found that it is good to hang out with your friends and have time with them. It is good to be yourself and have fun with friends or alone, and not only with your spouse.

Do our families approve of the decision? How can we explain our decision to them so they understand we can make it? We didn’t have to convince our parents in my opinion. We did do a lot to demonstrate how we would make it and how we had planned out our budgeting. Having enough money is hard, but it can be done. I would suggest putting together a budget with expenses that shows an approximate income and living expenses for the entire year. After all, you will still need some sort of living space when school is out of session.

If you are looking at getting married while in college, you may be thinking of the same questions we did. We spent well over a year figuring out everything for after we got married, we started before we were engaged. That being said, not everyone has the same concerns or needs as much time to make decisions as we did. If you want to get married, you can do it.

I am not a fan of long engagements, and believe that when we know we want to get married, we should do it as soon as possible. This is partly why we got married while in college, we are also “high school sweethearts.” Our engagement was about 9 months, which was plenty long for the wedding planning. Most of the wedding planning was done during the school year. Take time to think about what you will gain by getting married in college. It is a challenge at times, but well worth it in my opinion.

Prepare for the Drive

August 12, 2020 / Jacob Brown

With third year going strong this summer, my wife has gotten to experience what it is like to drive a fair distance to work. I have driven about 40 miles per day since we moved to Ohio, but she has not had the same experience. We live very close to the medical school, about 0.25 miles from the parking lot. So, most of her driving up to this point has been short.

Since she started working in Orthopedic Surgery, she has been driving about 50 miles per day. This rotation only runs for about 4 weeks, but in her next rotation she will drive a good distance as well (about 60 miles per day). The schedule change has a new set of challenges for her.

In the morning she has to wake up 30-40 minutes earlier to get to work than she did in the past. This also means that she needs to get in bed sooner, and has less time for extra activities during the day. When she is tired from work she still has to climb into her car and drive home, which takes about 45 minutes. It’s important to me for her to have a comfortable and safe vehicle in these circumstances. There is a lot of standing and walking in her daily schedule, which takes a toll on her. So, an uncomfortable car can amplify any aches or pains she is having from the day. Her previous vehicle tended to make any pains she was having worse. This is partly why I recently got her into a new car. Not only for the comfort, but the reliability of the new vehicle gives me some peace of mind while she is driving all over the Midwest. There will be times when she is away in another city, and it benefits me having her in a reliable vehicle. I feel that I don’t have to worry about her as much now as I did before, while she was driving her previous vehicle.

I have found that driving this distance to work to have positive effects as well as negative effects. Overall I enjoy driving this distance to work, but if given the opportunity to drive shorter I would consider it. This is a list of some of the main points that come to mind. It really will depend on who you are and what you enjoy doing. Do you enjoy driving? Do you need alone time?

Positive Effects

Time to clear my mind after work.
Alone time to reflect on your day or plan.
Quiet time to be with my thoughts.
Wind down from the stress and work of the job.
My wife and I enjoy driving, so it has a fun factor for us.

Negative Effects

Increased time away from home due to driving 1 hr+ per day.
Have to stay focused until getting home before relaxing.
Delayed dinner on occasion.
Have to wake up earlier to get to work.
More time on the road means a greater risk for an accident.

There are things that can be done to prepare for longer drives as well. Keeping water and snacks in your car is one thing that can help when getting out of work. My wife doesn’t get a lot of time to eat lunch, so her drive home could be used to catching up on eating leading into dinner. One thing that is extremely important to safe driving is making sure that you have slept enough. Falling asleep at the wheel can spell disaster, even in a smart vehicle that has advanced safety features.

It is important to me to have a reliable car and good tires when looking at driving long distances. As we are getting closer to fall and winter here in the Midwest, the road conditions will change and allow for a higher risk of accidents. Things will change as we near winter weather as this will add more factors to the long drives.

Prepare for the conditions and find ways to make it enjoyable for yourself. Make use of this time alone to reflect on your day or look forward to what is next. If you don’t have anything to reflect upon, crank the tunes and have fun with it. Make it into something you look forward to because it is enjoyable. Be safe out there!

Med School Pros #1

August 5, 2020 / Jacob Brown

There are a lot of things going on in medical school that stresses the students and their families. I don’t want to paint a picture for current and upcoming students that medical school is just a terrible time where you are stressed and have a hard time living your life. It’s not that way. Yes it is hard, from my wife’s experiences and what I observe, but there are pros for being in this stage of life. This will be a continuous thread that I want to keep adding to as they come up, but here are a few of them right now.

Make new friends. Just like every school experience we have had so far, there are other people attending that share our interests. We are not the kind of people that need a lot of friends to feel content, but a few good friends to fill that void in our lives. It can be hard to manage having a lot of friends anyway, but some people can do it. Making new friends has allowed us to find people that share our interests. This is important for us because by finding people we can hang out with, we are able to discuss deeper topics or just have fun with other couples. I know that my wife has enjoyed making new friends because it allows her to get to relate to someone. I know that I am her husband, but there are things that I can’t and won’t ever totally understand. She has made some female friends that she can relate to and have good conversations.

If you haven’t ever tried, join a group of people with similar interests. School sanctioned groups exist in the graduate school level just as they do in undergrad. We have had the opportunity to make friends and have some good times with the people as well.

Experience a work environment. If you are a medical student, more than likely you have not had a true experience in the workforce. I know some of the medical students have had a job before going back to school to become an MD or DO, but it is not very common. Summer jobs allow a person to gain some experience of what it is like to be in the hierarchy of a business, but it can also be misleading. A lot of time the “summer help” roles are not very serious, and have little responsibility. Most of the work is little things that businesses need done on the side, but have not had a lot of time to complete. This is not true for every summer job, but I have found it relevant. It is impossible for medical students to have summer jobs while in school, which is all year. Without being able to have a summer job, they can not procure money to live during the school year either.

During school this summer my wife has been able to work in hospitals with doctors to get experience of what it is like to be on the job. She is now working with an Orthopedic Surgeon, which has also been a great experience. This cycle of her school year is in a rural location, which has been a change from being in a larger more urban hospital.

Create lifelong experiences. This is probably a little cliche, but it is true. The time that the medical students spend in school will impact them for the rest of their lives. The relationships that are made, the experiences, and the time to grow in this environment are all important. This time is hard, and will shape the student into a doctor.

Start to find your stride in life. For some students this is the first time that they are truly away from their parents and family. It can be hard for them to cope with the change. This might be the first time that they are “adulting” and being self-sufficient. During this time they really get to find how they want to live life, and what path they will go down for their career. There are a lot of choices they have to make during this time as well. They have to choose how much to take on loans, where to live, who to hang out with and much more. All of these decisions make them who they are, and allow them to make their life their own.

Try new things. Medical School in general is a big change for the student. They have never taken classes in medical school before, and don’t really have an idea of what is ahead when they first start school. I remember my wife’s first week of school. She had just spent the entire summer, the last real summer vacation, relaxing and getting settled into the area. When classes started she realized they were much different than the classes in undergrad. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a change and is something to learn. She told me quite often how much more independent the student has to be in medical school compared to undergrad. There is very little assistance from the professors, or doctors, and a lot of the work is just left up to the student to accomplish.

Take the time during medical school to try new things. Whether it be food, trips, hobbies, or making friends, it is a good time to take on new challenges.

Drop Her Off

July 29, 2020 / Jacob Brown

I remember all the times that my now wife and I would go down to the lake or out to eat during college. We tried to spend time together at least 3 days per week, most of which involves having dinner at her parent’s house. Spending time together is fun, but it comes to an end as the sun goes down. The worst part for me during this dating phase in our relationship was taking her home afterward, just so that I could pick her up sometime the next day to spend time together again. This was our life during college before we got married. Separating yourself from your significant other for the night is not the easiest thing to do, or the most desirable, but plays a large role in the health of the relationship.

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder” is a common phrase that pertains to this subject. When we are seeking someone to date or marry in our lives, it can be difficult to be apart. After all, we enjoy the company of the other person and creating memories with them. Most of the time we have similar interests as our significant other and like to do the same things. I have found myself doing activities alone that I feel I should be doing with my wife because she enjoys them as well. I don’t really like leaving her out of activities that I think are fun for both of us. As an example, I don’t usually ride my bike or use my kayak without her (unless she can’t go due to her busy schedule) because I know she enjoys the activities.

If we are always reliant on someone or something, it can be hard to tell exactly how much we like or depend on it. As an example, imagine a person has a cellphone with them for calls, messages, and maps. They always have their phone with them. Now, what if this person was in a town they don’t recognize and their phone battery dies. Now what? They are left with figuring out how to get home by themselves without the help of other people. They have no way to call and ask for help or use map programs. What will they do?

In reality they would probably just find someone and ask them to use their phone or ask directions. But what if the phone is someone we are dating and they leave the relationship? What if they are gone for a week without seeing you? It can be hard to tell how much we rely on a significant other without having space apart from them, whatever the length of time. If the relationship were to end, can we still make our way through life effectively? In the example with a person and their phone, if they have never learned to make it in life without it (or lost touch with being single), they could be lost for a long time.

Dating can be a difficult time. For some there is a lot of heartbreak and turmoil. Others, like myself, were fortunate enough to date younger and stick with the same lady until marriage.

Learn the “paper maps” of your relationship. It is good to help each other in relationships. Not all of us have strengths in every aspect, and your significant other should complement those weaknesses. That being said, we should be able to navigate all aspects of our lives without our significant other while dating. If your partner is gone on a trip or is going to relax with their friends, don’t set yourself up for failure by being overly dependent. It is good to rely on them for some things, but not everything. I like to think of my weaknesses as being the “paper map.” It still works, but it is harder for me to navigate. Her strengths that compliment my weaknesses could be referred to as the “GPS” maps. I can still operate and navigate life without a GPS, but the GPS improves the situation.

Continue your life, and add them to it. Not all aspects of our lives can be continued when we start dating. For example, if a person was going on dates with different people and finds one they have decided to date, it’s probably not in their best interest to keep dating other people. This is just one activity, but there are others. It would be awkward if the person decided that they still wanted to drive around in the car how they used to when they were single. Maybe in order to do this they told their significant other that they would need to drive themselves because they want to drive alone all the time. Probably not super productive for relational growth.

Another change would be going from spending all of our time with our friends, then spending no time with them because we are dating someone. This change would involve spending all of our free time with our significant other. If we spend 100% of our time with someone, it can get quite annoying. I am just going to say it. We don’t need to spend all of our time with someone in order to show them we care about them. It is good to spend a healthy amount of time with your significant other, and a healthy amount of time with your friends or alone. If you are prospecting marriage with your significant other, it would be good to figure out how much time to spend with them. Should I spend more time with them than my friends? From my perspective, we should make a significant other an addition to our lives to improve. These relationships should not hinder us.

Drop her off at the end of the day. I am a big advocate for waiting until marriage to move in together and become physically active. Is it easy? NO. It might be one of the hardest things to do in a relationship in today’s society. We have a lot of cultural and societal influences that try to persuade us away from this idea. Everything from TV shows, to books, to music tries to influence us against the idea of waiting until marriage. The rate of divorce is higher among people who cohabitate before marriage. What are some influences in living together that could result in a high divorce rate? I’m not really sure if there is a definitive answer. It seems to me that it could be the result of too much dependency and too much time together for their people to know whether they should get married or not. They could be stuck in an “infatuation” phase and are not able to move out of it due to decreased separation from each other. Spending all of this time together does not allow them to find what they need in life, and what their partner will do when they are apart. When the day together is over, it’s beneficial to be separated. It’s good to live apart and really find what it is you enjoy or are looking for in a person.

Mental Well-being

July 22, 2020 / Jacob Brown

What level do you feel you are at in regards to mental health? Are you usually happy? Tired? What is the cause? It can be hard to pinpoint the level of our mental health at any given time. Life takes a toll on people, and doctors are not immune. If you feel this way, you are not alone.

Medical students and doctors have to deal with situations regularly that I have never experienced. There are odd hours, long days, and probably the biggest, loss of life. Difficult times mold people for better, or for worse. From my perspective, the way that these situations mold us is in how we choose to interpret them, and deal with them. The glass is half full or half empty cliche comes to mind. Times get hard, but are they challenging us to grow? Do we see it as a time when the world is trying to tear us down? It might be a little bit of both. Our response to hard times needs to be beneficial to ourselves and those around us.

Something that you may know is that Medical School builds a mountain of stress for students. A common phrase that I have heard is “medical school breeds alcoholism,” Students are under tremendous stress, and a lot of them confide in a drink. It is unfortunate that this is the case, but it happens. The students may feel alone or there is not another outlet for their stress. Alcohol may make them feel more relaxed and give them peace of mind while they are working or relaxing at home. The continuous stress pushes them deeper toward alcohol and may develop further into a crutch for them. This is something that I have noticed among the medical students. I am unsure of an exact quantity, but it seems most students will have at least 1 drink per day. Having 1 drink per day doesn’t make someone as alcoholic, but they need to keep it under control and use it properly. It could be beneficial to someone worrying about relieving stress in this manner to find another activity to relieve their stress.

My wife and I have been talking lately about some items going on with her and her rotations. Most of the toll on her seems to be emotional strain. There is joy within the hospital, but there is also sadness. It can be hard to recover from sad or unpleasant times when they occur, depending on what they are. I have been trying to be a better listener for her, but there are things that I will not understand completely unless I were in her shoes. That being said, listening to her talk to me has been beneficial for her. Though I am not experiencing what she is, it helps her to talk through it.

Medical Students don’t talk about their problems and issues enough in my opinion. I was part of a group a couple years ago of medical students and their spouses (if they had one). We had a day where we split gentlemen and ladies to have some discussions amongst each group. Something interesting for the women is they discovered that almost all of them were struggling with the same emotional strain. All of them going into the discussion seemed to feel alone and that there problems were unique. They had the mindset that they did not want to bother others, or others would not understand the situation that they were experiencing. After they began to talk they realized that they were all in the same situation, and if they would have confided in each other and talked about it a long time ago, they could be in a better place. School is hard, life is hard, and when we are surrounded by people that are experiencing the same hardships, we should talk about it. There is not enough discussion on hardships and how we handle them in the med student community. I wholeheartedly believe that med school is a team effort. Spouses, significant others, and friends work together to succeed. Something may be learned if “enemies” worked together once in a while. Yes each student is competing with the each for spots after graduation, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help each other now.

Tips for the reader.

Find an outlet for your thoughts. There doesn’t have to be a problem to talk to someone about your day. There may be a problem or may feel strained, but that doesn’t have to be true. It can be helpful for getting more perspective or better understanding your situation as well.

Talk to someone going through the same situation. This is an awesome opportunity to share amongst colleagues information they have gathered. People may feel alone on an island with whatever hardship they are going through. I am 100% sure that if you talk to your fellow colleagues, as long as they are being open with you, you will find that they are going through a similar situation. They can relate better to you than someone on the outside, and might be able to provide information on how they handle situations.

Find healthy activities that make you happy. As you may know, I am a big advocate for hobbies and fun activities outside work. Taking time to rest is equally if not more important than work. Keeping your mind and body healthy will allow you to work, so take the time to rehab them and rest.

How do I budget when I have no income?

July 15, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Working during school may not be an option, which leaves college students without income as they invest into their lives through higher education. Nearly all college students have money coming to them in some form, whether that be their money from summer work, deposits from another person, or loans. The source of that income could be from a job, loans (usable money but not technically income), or gifted to them by family. When I state income, I am mainly speaking about money coming in from the student working or from their spouse/significant other. Loan money deposited into a student’s bank account is similar to income (because it can be spent), but is not taxable.

Having enough money was an issue for me when I was in undergrad, and it is an issue among nearly all college students. It is difficult to figure out how much to spend on categories like transportation, housing, food, and extra activities when there is no payday in sight. It is more crucial to budget at this time. An overspent month can lead to a shortage on the next, with nothing to make up the difference.

My experience.

When I was in undergrad I tried a few different ways to balance my money. The first mistake I made was take all of the money in my account and divide it evenly across the school year. This seemed like a good idea at the time.

This setup allowed me to pace myself and know exactly how much time I had left before I ran out of money. Unfortunately, when the budget is just distributed it is hard to stay under, or considerably under. I started going to the maximum amount for each week or a little bit over, and before I knew it I was out of money. I completed my freshman year of college with $25 in my account which was just enough to fill the tank on my truck to drive home to my parent’s house. This was not my greatest idea, and I changed it for the following school year.

I started the school year with about $3,000. With this money, I had to pay some of my schooling out of pocket which left me with less money right off the bat. From what I remember, I only had about $60-$80 per week to spend on groceries, gas, and other activities. This is not a lot of money, and it was supposed to last 9 months. I did not have a lot of money to do things like go out to eat, do activities with friends, or have extravagant meals. I spent about $30 per week on groceries, which was enough. The remaining money was used on gas and “necessities.” AKA stuff I didn’t need to buy but did anyway.

I owned my vehicle and my parents paid for my insurance. Which was one thing that helped me to save some money. I also did all of my own maintenance, which allowed me to save money on the vehicle purchase. I did not have to purchase an expensive or newer vehicle.

There are probably 1,000 ways to arrange your budget to best suit you. It can be hard at times to budget because we like nice things or things that aren’t in need of TLC. Sometimes it is crucial to step back and look at what we have and decide what is most important and what can go away. Here are some guidelines of what I recommend to student living off of loans.

Find housing that is the bare minimum, but is comfortable. If you are going to pay for housing on loans, keep the cost down. Federal Graduate Loans run at about 7% interest. So imagine paying around normal sales tax on your loans while they accrue interest. I’m not saying that you should live in an apartment or house that is in a terrible location for your commute or is dangerous for your health. Find something cheap and reasonable to accommodate your needs.

Don’t lease or buy a vehicle on your loans. I have a view on loans that may differ from you. I do not think that we should ever take out loans when there is no return on our investment, but especially on vehicles due to their loss in value. They depreciate quickly, which means that the buyer loses their money quickly. Vehicles are not an investment, it is a tool that loses value over time. A large portion of graduate loans can be allocated to “cost of living.” That being said, the amount taken out should be kept to a minimum. Last school year my wife could have taken nearly $60,000 over the tuition cost for living. To me, that is absolutely insane! I have listed some “options” for how I would handle needing a vehicle. There are probably more options, but these are ones that came to my mind.

Option #1. If you HAVE to purchase a vehicle, take the time to research vehicles and make a decision for a low cost reliable vehicle. As a doctor, or soon to be, you don’t have the option of being late to work. Find a reliable vehicle at a low price (as low as you can stand) and pay for it in full. Don’t use your education loans to pay for car loans or leases.

Option #2. If you have any money that is not from loans, or parents that are willing to help, definitely go that route. I would avoid using loans on vehicles at all costs, but if you have to, make it go a long way with something very reliable.

Option #3. If you have a family member that will let you borrow a car for a few years, do it. It is probably the only option that can get you around town for nearly free. You may have to pay for insurance and fuel, but you would be paying for that anyway with a vehicle you purchase.

Budget to a minimum on food. I would think that in most areas of the United States a person could spend under $100 per week on food for themselves. It is definitely easier here in the Midwest, but may be a stretch on the East or West Coast. Learn how to prep your own food. You can eat healthier, and have food ready for you at home at any time. If you can avoid going out, which might be the most expensive way to eat, your money will go further. If you want more information on food budgeting, visit my other post on Eat Steak, Not Fast Food where I do a short discussion on saving money on food.

The 3 things above are the most important from my perspective. There are other expenditures like cell phones, computers, vacations, holidays, and others that are variable costs. All of them influence our spending, and some of them are necessities, but they tend to be cheaper than the 3 points listed in the previous sections.

Notes for the reader.

Find the amount you are willing to pay back. In the end it’s all a personal choice. Find the amount you are willing to pay back in the future. Use an online student loan calculator to figure out how much your monthly payments will be based off your interest rate and loan term. Though doctors make a good salary, consider the debt load. As an example, if a student borrows at 7% interest and has $250,000 (including accrued interest) at the end of the 4 years of Medical School, they will have a monthly payment of $1,767 for 25 years. The interest paid back is about $280,000 with a total repayment of $530,000, over double what has been borrowed.

Borrow to live, not to “live.” Calculating how much to borrow is purely based off what you need to live. It will vary from student to student but should be similar between them. Keeping the total amount down by avoiding costly ventures like extra electronics, large vacations, or overspending in other categories will benefit you in the future. Going on vacations and having nice things is fun, but the benefits should be weighed against what will need to be repaid.

Keep purchases on nonessentials to a minimum. It’s fun and tempting to go on vacation or buy new toys. That being said, I don’t think that we should not do either if we have the financial capacity. I have found it possible to go on mini vacations or purchase fun items without spending a lot. My wife and I have taken day trips to places which are very cheap. We have purchased items for our enjoyment that do not require additional money to be put into them. When it is time to move after medical school, unless the stuff is sold or thrown out, it will have to go with us.