What if we posted about them as much as our successes. What if you posted that picture where your makeup isn’t done… your hair isn’t styled. What if we could be a little more real with each other.
I had a conversation with a friend recently. We aren’t super close, but I try to be a person who will listen to anyone who needs a safe place.
I had chosen to sit by the windows for lunch. Seeing the trees outside keeps me calm in the craziness of the hospital. I could tell this student was a little flustered. I offered them a seat and to eat with me. They sat down and started talking. We talked about all sorts of stuff. The rotation we were on, what we were doing next. We talked about hobbies, specifically photography, and what we did in our little free time. We talked about the future. I talked about staying in the area. They talked about the uncertainty and deciding where to go next.
And then we talked about our worries. It doesn’t take long for medical students to talk about anxieties, stress, and worries. Between tests, assignments, evaluations, and applying for residency in the fall, there is a lot going on.
And then we talked about Step 1. I know I’ve talked about it before, but please hear me when I say that every single medical student deals with anxiety, stress, uncertainty, fear, and worry when it comes to this exam.
In the moment, I decided to be honest. Be real.
I told my colleague about my struggles with the exam. I told them about my burn out. I told them about being sick. I told them about the failed practice exams. I told them about the stress. And worry. And fear. And feeling inadequate. Feeling like a complete imposter. I told them that I went into that test ready to conquer it, but wondering if I could do it. If I would actually pass and get a score that would be enough to move forward. I used every last bit of fire left in me to pass that exam. But found myself coming up with plans B, C, D, E, and F if things turned out to be on the wrong side of the passing line (and my own line of what was acceptable).
And I passed. It worked out. Was it a happy ending? I guess it depends on your definition.
In the moment, I saw their shoulders drop just a little from their ears. I saw them relax just a little bit. A little bit of relief to hear that someone else had struggles. Someone else had worried and feared for the result and it turned out okay. And they mentioned it was good to hear about a journey that wasn’t all rainbows and perfect scores. I just kinda chuckled and realized most of us don’t have that journey. Let’s be honest, life isn’t all rainbows, pots of gold, or mountain tops. Life isn’t 100%s and 280 step scores. I’m so proud of my classmates who reached those high scores, but I’m also so so proud of my classmates who passed that exam! Who came out of there a little nervous and passed! Maybe just on the other side of that line. That is something to celebrate.
Why are we so hesitant to be real? To be honest? Why does it take so much effort and courage to talk about our actual life?
I realized a few years back that it was important for me to be open and honest with others. Our experiences can be helpful to those we cross paths with. We might not be walking on the exact same path, but we can still encounter the same obstacles. Your story could be the very thing your friends need to hear to know that they are not alone and they will make it. A simple conversation about the obstacles we face could be a turning point for those having lunch with us. It can bring hope and ease fears. Your story reminds others that they are not alone and someone else has been through this and survived.
What if we were more bold? More courageous? What if we took a leap of faith and were vulnerable? What if we could make an impact in only 20 minutes during lunch? What if we could bring some hope and light by saying “I’ve been there.”
And those conversations are amazing! To watch this person across from you realize that someone else understands. There’s a joy that comes with these conversations.
Life isn’t going to be all rainbows, pots of gold, and mountain tops. Let’s be real. Let’s meet others in the rain and in the valley. I see you. I’ve been there. Want a hand? It works out.
Obstacles in life give us opportunities to find ways to manage change. Our time spent in 2020 gave many different obstacles to cross and taught us many lessons. I wouldn’t say that 2020 was a great year for most people, but I think we can learn a lot from the events that influenced our lives and the medical student community.
January
January started off as a normal time for us. My wife was going to school regularly without any hiccups. I went to work without having to do anything special, like wear a mask, and partook in normal work activities. During this time my wife was approaching taking the Step 1 exam. Near the end of the month on January 21, 2020 the first COVID-19 case was reported in the United States by the CDC. At the time, we didn’t think it would cause such great repercussions in our lives, but we would soon find out the extent of the disruptions.
February
My wife was in the phase of school where she needed to start studying for Step 1 as I have said previously. For the most part, she could do her schooling from home so disruptions in the hospitals and school were not a problem for her learning. February was the time when the United States began to proactively react to COVID-19, which meant restrictions for gathering.
Medical school is different than most learning centers from what I have seen. Most of my wife’s classes are optional for attending in-person and a lot of students choose to learn from home. This is something that was established long before 2020 and I think has helped the students to continue their education through the Pandemic. At the tail end of February my wife finished M2 year and began her dedicated study time for Step 1. This created a lot of isolation for her preceding the isolation that was to come from COVID-19.
Fun fact: We celebrated 9 years together on Feb 12.
March
This was the month where social distancing began to really take hold of Ohio. The state started limiting group sizes which cut down on people’s movement and gatherings. This also began creating isolation for a lot of people. I had been fortunate enough at this time to continue working while my wife studied for Step 1.
My wife began isolation 6 weeks before her scheduled date for Step 1. She studied about 10-12 hours per day, 7 days per week during this time. As the date approached we were worried of date changes due to gathering limitations at the testing centers. Our fears became a reality near the end of March. Her date was cancelled in the middle of March. She was given the option to take it again 2 weeks later. This was the first time she changed her date.
April
My wife’s original test date for Step 1 was April 3. With limitations on group sizes testing centers began to cancel the students current opportunity for testing. My wife’s testing date was cancelled and ultimately was moved to a date about 6 more weeks out. We hoped that being 6 more weeks there would be a better flow or testing allow her to participate. She had changed her date about 4 times before getting it set to May 19.
Her test didn’t happen at this time either. Her new testing date was set for Oct 8. She made the decision May 1 to cancel her May date and take 2 weeks off before M3 year began. At this point, she had spent nearly 11 weeks by herself 12 hours a day.
May
My wife’s birthday is in May! We started taking day trips for fun so that we could spend more time together. Day trips are fun and the cost is fairly low, especially when compared to staying overnight somewhere.
I tried to make her birthday special even though we couldn’t do anything fancy with a bunch of people. Thankfully, she is always happy with a walk by the lake and some ice cream.
Aleena started M3 year on May 18. Her class was online and she spent her time at home preparing for clerkships. This would be the year she entered the hospitals to work. With the craziness going on in the hospital, her clerkship schedule changed drastically. Each of her rotations were shortened and she wouldn’t get into her first rotation until the end of June.
June
We made a day trip to Cuyahoga Falls just outside Cleveland, OH. We had never been there and it seemed like a good place to site see. We drove over early in the morning and hit up some of the major spots and hiked around on trails.
We intended on staying for a nice dinner, but made the decision to head home a little early. It was about a 3 hour drive and it was nice to drive home in the daytime. I made up for the change in dinner plans by making a seafood bake in my smoker!
July
4th of July wasn’t cancelled, but it was significantly smaller than 2019. We don’t usually do anything extravagant for the 4th, but this year we didn’t have the option. It seemed that most people had smaller events.
Aleena was busy with her surgery clerkship and I was working. We started getting comfortable with long days and early bedtimes.
August
The month of my birthday! As with everything that happened this year, we didn’t do anything extravagant. I usually prefer to go out to eat with my wife and spend some quality time with her. We were still able to do that which is good.
September
After all the rescheduling it was finally time for my wife to prepare for Step 1 (again…). Most of September was spent with her studying at home. We would go to the parks to give her a break and enjoy the nice weather.
October
My wife was able to get into a testing location in October. It wasn’t an easy, or short, road to this point but it was worth it. The studying and isolation was hard on her, but I believe it made her stronger today. By the end of the month we found out she passed! We were incredibly grateful for the outcome after such an unexpected road. At the end of October was Halloween, which was greatly disrupted by the pandemic.
November
Celebrating Thanksgiving was much different for us this year. Last year we were able to host some of the medical students at our house for a small celebration. This year we were not able to do so due to group size, so maybe next year. We were able to safely see our families for the holiday. It was really important for my wife to spend some time with her parents.
December
The holidays came around. We managed to spend some time with my family and with hers. It can get hard at time to spend a late Friday night driving to our family’s homes, but we enjoy their company. My wife spent most of her break with her parents. This way she wouldn’t be alone during the week. Maybe next year we will be back to normal, or at least something similar to 2019.
Closing Thoughts
For those that know my wife, you know that my wife is tough. She has accomplished more in medical school than I feel I did during all of my schooling. She has been persistent and composed through medical school in testing and studying. Now that she is working in hospitals she has been able to put the rest of her talents to good use.
2020 was much different than any year we had experienced in our lifetime. Lots of restrictions were placed on what we can do outside of our home. We are hoping that 2021 will bring better news and be more prosperous for us all.
Now that my wife is in her third year of medical school I have a different perspective of her previous years of school. In general, life tends to feel hardest during the events that cause trouble. When we are in the sad or difficult times, it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. These times tend to look different after we have conquered the challenges. That doesn’t mean that the challenges miraculously seem easy now, but the mountains don’t seem as tall anymore.
Moving to Ohio
My wife and I have never lived away from our families, so this was going to be a major life change. Our families were able to chip in to help us with moving, expenses and settling into our new home. I was in Alabama on my final trip for Track and Field while a majority of the moving work was completed. My family loaded nearly all of our stuff in their vehicles and on their trailer before I made it back. This was a huge help as I didn’t know when I would have returned from Gulf Shores.
My wife had worked with her parents to paint and clean the house the week before we were able to move in. This made it possible for everything to be prepped and ready when we were able to get all of our stuff in the house. This made it very easy for me, as I was not able to be there to help out.
I was able to get back sooner from Alabama that originally planned, which made it possible for me to help move everything into the house. Originally I wasn’t going to make it back which would have left our families to do all the work (which isn’t very considerate on my part). I drove from college to my parents house and helped them to move all of our stuff the next day. It was a lot of work moving, but it wasn’t terrible seeing as I didn’t do most of the work. Moving isn’t very fun and involves us seeing all of our things sprawled out for us. There was quite a few items that should have just been left behind and hopefully we won’t make the same mistake again.
Moving to Ohio also involved us changing out licenses, insurance, and other documents to rebrand us to our new home state. This was more of a hassle than a challenge. After a trip to the BMV and a few phone calls we had everything changed over.
Starting My First Job
After moving to Ohio I started my first job in Delta, OH. I worked as a site manager for a large construction project. Working at your first job is quite a change from the college schedule. I was used to class every other day and track practice. Getting into work life was different, but wasn’t super rough.
I started working from 7 am to 4 pm as the only representative on site from my company. I enjoyed this from job from start to finish. I enjoy machinery and construction and hope to get back into a similar line of work someday. Working at my first job was not as hard on me as it was my wife.
When I went to work my wife was at home working on nothing (school hadn’t started yet) for a while. After school had started she spent a lot of time at home studying alone. When I got home from work each day we tried to spend time together to help alleviate the loneliness.
Starting Class
Times were better when she started class. There was more time spent with other people outside of our home which cut down on some of her loneliness. Without going to class she would spend all day, everyday, in the solitary confinement of our house. This is the situation that she was in before class started and it needed to end. Class was hard on her at first (and every class) but it was an improvement over sitting at home alone. Her mental state seemed to improve after finally getting to go to class and see other people.
My wife noticed a huge decline in assistance from professors on class work in medical school when compared to undergrad. In medical school there is a lot more learning left to the student and less work involved for the professor (from my point of view). There is a lot more reading and other requirements for students with little guidance on where to look to find the information. Depending on the amount of assistance and guidance given by the professors, school can get very difficult.
Building Friendships
Moving to a new state where we didn’t know anybody was difficult. We left our families and our friends to embark on a new journey that gave us the opportunity and challenge of making friends. Soon after attending school my wife found out about a group called CMF where we could meet other students. Making friends was probably more difficult for me than my wife because she new a lot of the people in the group. Some of them were in her classes, which is where she met them. I knew nobody. It didn’t take long after attending the group the first time that I found a couple people in which I could relate.
Seeing as I am a working adult, I don’t have a lot of opportunities to make friends. At the time when my wife started school I didn’t know anyone outside of work. I’m not saying that coworkers can’t also be friends, but being the only worker for my company made it hard to have coworker friends. It wasn’t long after I started working there that others were hired.
There were a couple medical school guys that I related to from the CMF group that I still talk to and hang out with on occasion. We have shared interests and I appreciate their compliance and willingness to share their time with me when available. They are medical students after all, which doesn’t allow for a lot of free time.
Hunting Season
When I lived in Indiana I hunted often with my family, mostly my brothers. I greatly enjoy getting out into nature with the possibility of harvesting game. Being out in nature was calming for me growing up and helped me to escape the chaos of school and life.
When I moved to Ohio I became a resident in this state. This means that I am now a nonresident of Indiana, which increases the price of tags and licenses. I have been fortunate enough to have a wife that understands the level of priority hunting plays in my life. She understands fully and has allowed me to continue to hunt in Indiana, though the price tag is higher now. I have hunted in Ohio on one occasion with a medical student that was kind enough to invite me along with him and his father.
Hunting in Ohio would definitely be an easier drive (and cheaper), but hunting in Indiana allows me to partake with my family. Hunting in Indiana typically involves driving over Friday night nearly every week during hunting season, from October until January.
Settling into the Area
Moving to a new city provides the opportunity to find new parks, restaurants and stores. When we first moved to Ohio we had to start from scratch on all fronts. Until we moved here I can’t remember ever visiting Toledo. There’s not a lot happening around here that warranted me making the trip. I have made the trip from Indiana up to Dundee, MI quite a few times but don’t remember stopping in Toledo.
We spent the first few weeks trying to find good restaurants and places to go. It helped that we had a gap between moving and work starting for me. With the gap in time, about a month, we were able to make some improvements to our house and find things to do around the city.
This wasn’t something really stressful or challenging, but I feel was a necessity to feel more at home in a new city. With the help of the internet we have been able to find some really good restaurants. We have also made short trips to different metro parks in the area to walk or bike.
Final Thought
There were a lot of changes for us when we started our journey for medical school. I think that we handled the changes pretty well, though we weren’t perfect. It was awesome to have people help us move and others introduce themselves to us.
If you have had a similar experience I would be interested to hear how you handled the situation and what you learned. Please feel free to leave a comment below or reach out to me through my Contact Information.
For Christmas, my wife and I decided to get ourselves a gift that we could use to spend more time together. Spending time with my wife will more than likely slowly deplete as we get closer and into residency. We took this Christmas as an opportunity to get rid of unused “stuff” we had lying around and get something for the both of us.
In the past couple years I feel like I’ve changed in my view on how we spend time together. It’s not easy to plan trips or have dedicated longer periods of time available that we can spend together. I have been moving toward finding times where we can drop some of the stressful and overly time consuming tasks, and pick up more relaxing hobbies together. Some of the time consuming hobbies for me are not easy to drop at a moment’s notice and require more input and dedication. As an example, my wife likes to play video games and it can’t be dropped mid level or she will lose the game. I also enjoy playing video games, but my favorite games are single player so I don’t usually play them when she is around.
Pre-Purchase Requirements
Some of the major things that I wanted to complete before making a purchase on a camera was selling some of our “stuff” so that we reduce clutter around the home. It was also nice to have a few extra dollars in our pocket before Christmas. The main things that we sold were just lying around and not being used anyway. Some of what we are still trying to sell are past hobbies that have sat on shelves for a couple years. We have made a push to sell our unused “stuff” and downsize to be more efficient around the home. This is useful for us now because we can reduce clutter or multiple items that are the same in our home. When the time comes for residency we may have to move and we will have less to pack. Lately I have been interested in eliminating unused items around the home and seeking upgrades for them. Upgrades are only purchased if the object was being used but we are in need of a replacement.
Finding “The One”
I’m not sure if you’ve ever looked at the wide selection of cameras on the market, but it is astounding. Many manufacturers make consumer products that range from $100-$5,000, which makes the choice a little bit more difficult. There are major manufacturers like Canon, Sony, and Nikon. This meant for me that if I stuck to major manufacturers, there are many camera choices. That’s not even considering what lenses you’d need to purchase (which also have many options).
I had done quite a bit of research about a year ago, so this time was a little bit easier. I was looking for a camera that would give me professional quality photos, but not be super expensive. We sold some of our stuff so that we could make the purchase, but not enough to cover the full price of the camera and lens. There are a lot of cameras that fell within our price range, but before purchasing I made a list of requirements.
Full-frame sensor
Good battery life
Mirrorless design
Wide lens selection
10 FPS continuous shooting
Easy to use and adjust settings
High quality video (1080p and 4K)
Variety of aftermarket accessories
Needs to have more abilities than we are currently using so that we don’t grow out of it quickly.
Good price point (within our budget)
Due to wanting a camera that is full frame and mirrorless, the options were cut fairly quickly. This cuts out a lot of the lower price point DSLR cameras and increases the amount that we would have to spend. The reason that I wanted full frame is it doesn’t have a permanent crop, which can give wider photos. It is also a larger sensor than a APS-C which allows for more “data” collecting. It should yield better photos than an APS-C sensor, especially in low light conditions. I was looking at full frame cameras due to wanting to take professional quality photos, which should be easier than with a smaller sensor.
Choosing a camera is difficult. Though I narrowed down our options to just a handful, 3 models, it was still hard to choose. This purchase has a lot of repercussions if we don’t like what we choose. We could be stuck with a camera that takes insufficient photos or have a hard time finding accessories. My ultimate goal is to take photos for others, and if it doesn’t take high quality photos this would be difficult.
I took time to watch countless videos on different models of cameras to form comparisons. This is probably the best way to find out exactly what you’re going to purchase (other than knowing someone who owns one). The options are endless, but we managed to decide on a camera and made a purchase.
The Decision
We ended up buying a camera made by Sony. For our needs, it looked to be the best option. We have had a lot of fun so far and plan on taking many photos in the future. I prefer to take photos of my wife and she enjoys taking photos of us. I don’t mind having my picture taken, but I prefer to be behind the camera. We are also looking to find people that want or need their photos taken. We are new to the game, but I think we are doing well.
Some Photos
I have attached some photos of what we have done since purchasing our camera. We haven’t had it long, but we can tell that we love taking photos together. Something that I find rewarding about photographs is that they take up very little space. We can save thousands of memories on hard drives and will be able to take them everywhere with us for the rest of our lives.
I’m sure that others can relate when I say that the holiday season causes the urge to give (and spend money). People want to give their time, money and goods to help others so that we can all have a wonderful holiday season. Lots of people like to give, but it can be difficult depending on their financial situation.
I have found that “my heart is bigger than my wallet“ on many occasions. There are people in my life that I want to give to, but I can’t afford to do so on the intended level. That being said, it doesn’t stop me from giving what I can to those around me in my life.
The Bottomless Wallet
The “bottomless wallet” has the power of mind control. It calls to the owner, taunting them to open it. Soon after being coaxed, they are put in a trance that blinds them from sound thinking and judgement. The bottomless wallet has the power to take us down before realizing what we have done.
This is obviously a bit of humor, but it is how it feels sometimes. When I get out my wallet, there are times that I feel I should make a purchase. Sometimes I lose sight of exactly what I should be buying for, and the kind of items that I am purchasing. We have lots of influences in our lives swaying us to buy products and it can be hard to keep our cards and cash in our pocket.
Every year around the holidays the amount of purchases seems to climb. I tend to make some larger purchases while I hope to get a good deal. I rediscover the influence that the items for sale have on my life. It’s not something that we tend to notice, but we get attached to a certain lifestyle or particular item in our life.
A Christmas Budget Struggle
Every year I set a budget and make the attempt to stick to it for gifts. Since I started making the goal for myself, about 6 years, I have not once kept myself from overspending. There are just too many things for sale during the holiday season that seem to catch my eye. There are gifts available for my wife, our parents (my wife’s and mine) and my siblings. It can be hard not to buy things, especially when the items seem to be the “perfect gift”.
Though my bank account has a limit, my wallet seems to be bottomless. When making purchases I can just swipe and swipe and swipe without any obstacles in my way. This is especially relevant when the expenditures are charged to a credit card, instead of my debit card. I’m sure that you have had some of the same situations in your life. It can be hard not to spend money, especially when we can see that our bank account has a balance.
This is exactly what is intended for consumers and it can be hard not to fall into the trap. Items go “on sale” bringing people into stores giving them the sense that they are getting a deal on goods. It can be difficult to hold back from spending, but it can be the difference between hitting your budget or overspending. With the growing amount of online retailing in the United States, I have found it easier to stick to a budget. Once I get my little grubby paws on something tangible, it can be much harder to put it back on the shelf.
The Broken Budget
In order to hit my set goal for spending I have often asked myself a few questions:
Is my budget too small?
Should my budget be larger?
Do I need more self control?
For the most part I lean toward having a lack of self control. It is really hard to get gifts for our families and friends without going over budget. Even when setting a dollar limit, it’s hard to choose how much to spend the money. It doesn’t matter what I set my limit to be, I will usually go over. I’m sure that others are in the same boat, and it can be frustrating from the standpoint of our personal finances.
It’s not that I don’t think that the recipients of my gifts deserve less, but there are times where I can’t afford the gift that might be “perfect” for them. This is something that I have to accept when considering how much to spend on others and overall during the holiday season. I have not figured out exactly how much to spend during the holidays and probably won’t find a perfect number.
I have found that being generous with others shouldn’t (or can’t) be measured. I don’t think that we can look at two people and measure how generous they are and pick who is a better person. The amount of money that we spend during the holidays in not indicative of how much we love those around us. There is much more to our relationships with others than a price tag. We may not have to spend a lot on those around us, but I think there are times that warrant larger transactions. I tend to lean toward the idea of larger transactions being necessary to help someone fulfill their needs, not wants.
Final Thought
The main focus of this post is to be proactive and generous with others. We should try to put others before ourselves, though it is a hard task. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t care for ourselves (that is the wrong idea) but we aim our sights on helping others first. I have failed many times, and often, at putting others before myself. Trying again each year with a consistent record of falling short. Maintaining outward focus is hard, especially when we have wants of our own.
We met Michael and Allie Wenig shortly after moving to Ohio for medical school. They are 2 years ahead of my wife, which makes it possible for them to offer viable information about the future during medical school. I know that we and others have found them helpful when times are stressful and seem to be unknown. Michael is in a similar situation to me, as a husband to a medical student.
Michael works for Cru, a Christian organization, where he disciples and mentors college age students. Michael worked to provide financially while Allie was in Medical School. Most of his work involves traveling to schools, but he doesn’t let that stop him from getting his work done at home. Due to Allie’s busy schedule, Michael does most of the house work. I find myself in a similar situation trying to clean and upkeep the house as best I can.
Michael and Allie have been married since 2016, experiencing and enjoying life together. They met each other in 2012 during their freshman year of undergrad. They started dating in 2014. A while back they made a furry addition to their household with a dog named Beesly. They have had a lot of adventures and experiences together through the years and have learned from them. They offer a plethora of knowledge to those around them, and I hope you find how they handle their lives useful for yourself.
Daily Schedule
Allie is now a resident in Columbus, OH where she is working to become a Pediatrician. Being a resident requires a different work schedule than as a medical student. Michael has a highly flexible work schedule that allows him to spend time with Allie when she is available. Though she doesn’t have a lot of free time, they make the goal of having a date night each week. This helps them to have quality time when they endure long stretches without really getting to see each other. They try their best to prioritize each other before work. A good practice for them is setting a priority and target at the beginning of each week, then aiming to reach that goal. They may not have a date each week (if scheduling doesn’t permit) but they do their best to make it a consistent habit. Michael feels that medical professionals are super type A, meaning that they tend to fill each and every moment of free time if left unchecked. Taking time to sit down and talk helps them to look back at what they value first and keep their priorities in order.
Marriage
Friends/community
Work
Everything else
Michael has found the schedule changes to be beneficial over the years. Though the daily schedule doesn’t seem to be very consistent, it has allowed them to work together. With weekly and monthly changes, they have found themselves with an opportunity to progress their ability to communicate and work together. Communication is key for them in their relationship due to their nature of medical school and now residency.
With a schedule that doesn’t allow Allie to contribute maybe as much as she wants, Michael has picked up a lot of the daily and weekly tasks. Michael does about 80% of the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. I am in a similar situation, and we can agree that we don’t dread it. Michael and I both have the view on our efforts as helping our wives achieve their goals. I know that my wife is busy and I want her to do well in school. This tends to mean that we (as husbands) are challenged to pick up more work so that she has more time to study when she is home.
Stressors
Michael is very familiar with stressors for Allie. The biggest stressor that he has noticed is when she compares herself to her classmates. The stress comes from a comparison between how much she studies and how much they study in correlation to their test scores. Trying to achieve some unspecified, nebulous and unreachable level of studying puts a strain on her. It can be hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when they seem to study less and score better than you. I have found this to be very common among the medical students, including my wife. It is difficult to avoid comparing yourself to others when receiving grades on tests, but it is best to avoid this practice.
Michael has developed a plan on how to help Allie relieve stress.
I tend to think if I pick up extra housework and chores it will help Allie feel better if she is stressed. Contrary to that, I’ve learned what’s most helpful is to do or say something that communicates to her I’m thinking about her. That means I either try to surprise her with a gift like flowers, a small treat from the store, or with a fun date. That could also look like taking the time to sit and ask her questions about her day and then offering encouragement, communicating that I see her hard work and I’m proud of her.
Michael Wenig
I have found this to be true in my relationship. Depending on the love language of your significant other or spouse, conveying this way may differ. It appears that Allie’s love language is “Words of Encouragement,” which would be the same as my wife. My wife finds great relief and encouragement when I let her know how well I think she is doing. Don’t get me wrong, our wives enjoy a clean living space, but it is more impactful to let her know how proud I am of her.
Allie’s primary resolution to being stressed is buckling down and working harder. Studying harder and putting in more work can bring a sense of relief for her when she is successful. It is most beneficial for her to step away and have small frequent breaks where she partakes in activities that avoid work. Taking time to play with their dog Beesly on trips that include exercise is also helpful. They both enjoy going to new places getting to spend time together.
Allie is an avid runner and will use exercise as “medicine” to help relieve daily stress and anxiety. Exercise is beneficial for a lot of reasons, but it takes a lot of commitment and effort. It is hard to push yourself to exercise but can be very rewarding. Allie has a lot of motivation and dedication, and it shows in her life daily.
Some hobbies they enjoy together are hosting people in their home and going out with friends. These times tend to be accompanied by good conversation, food and drinks. It doesn’t matter if they stay at home or go out, they enjoy having the fellowship, food, and time together.
The most impactful collective practice for Allie and Michael in reducing stress is having a spiritual discipline of Sabbath. Keeping disciplined to this has helped them in many aspects of their lives and has created a better balance of Work vs. Life. I find this to be one of the best times of the week for us as well. It gives an opportunity to spend time together without commitments and let’s us enjoy being in each other’s company.
Extracurriculars
Allie and Michael love reading, watching sports and hosting others. Hosting others and initiating activities is their favorite thing to do together. They recognize that most of Allie’s peers (and their spouses) are new to this season of life and the city. They may feel lonely, overwhelmed and desire friendship. By inviting them into their home they are able to build relationships with them.
Frequent walks and adventures with their dog Beesly create some exciting times. Beesly keeps them on their toes while they take her out on walks in parks and on trails. All three of them enjoy being out in nature in each other’s company. Beesly is a Viszla, a high energy and athletic dog breed that seems to fit in well to the Wenig’s active lifestyle.
When they are not hanging out with people (or Beesly), they also enjoy trying new drinks and making cocktails. Allie also enjoys baking desserts with Michael. There are a lot of different activities that Michael and Allie enjoy, but most of the joy comes from doing them together.
Satisfaction
Michael can see from Allie that she is 100% satisfied in her work. They try to talk at dinner or whenever they can catch up in the evening on a daily basis. They have worked hard to build a relationship culture in which they openly communicate and ask questions. They find themselves with the ability to talk about their days in marginal times of the morning, over a meal or in the evening.
Michael is a college campus missionary for Cru. He has fairly relaxed hours which allows him to be with Allie most of the time when she is home. That being said, due to working on college campuses, he finds himself busy at times when Allie is home. This kind of situation adds a little bit of stress to Michael’s life. Times were tougher when they were in medical school, but that was mostly due to the fact that they had one income.
Allie expresses interest in Michael’s work. It means a lot to Michael that she asks him about what he is doing. She does her best to stay up to date which conveys a sense of interest from her side. I find this very useful in relationships. Having a partner that shows they are interested in what you do makes a difference in motivation. I find that it affirms our actions while we are trying our best.
Finances
Michael and Allie are satisfied with their income. It can be difficult to budget and live a financially disciplined lifestyle, especially when other students appear to live extravagant lives. Living within your means may not always be the most fun, but it is very rewarding.
During medical school they were able to lively solely from Michael’s income. They had plenty of money to pay bills, go out with friends and take small trips. The main key for them is having discipline and well laid-out budget. Sticking to the budget is the hardest part by far! I have found that it’s pretty easy to make a budget, especially with different apps that available on the market. It is difficult to hold back spending when things arrive that catch our interest.
Relationship
Transitioning into medical school can be difficult. For the Wenig’s, they have had to forgive, offer graciousness, and lots of patience to one another during the transition. They set a definitive list of values and scheduled their time accordingly. Their faith and marriage have been placed at the forefront of their journey.
Allie and Michael have worked as a team through medical school. Allie does not have to go anything alone. Michael has been there to help with meals, work around the home, and help carry the burden when times were hard. He was also there in the times where she needed someone to help her celebrate. Prioritizing their marriage has helped Allie out appropriate boundaries on her time spent studying. Having a spouse pushed Allie to use her time wisely so that she could spend time with Michael and taking breaks.
Michael has not ever felt that being married has hindered them in their lives. Marriage is intended to enrich their lives, and they are experiencing it first hand. Marriage is not intended to be a unity reflecting “roommates”, but is for us to work together.
Michael strives to be the launchpad for Allie’s career. He is currently at a point in life where he works hard to support Allie. The time where he supports her will never end, but may change over time. He makes sure that Allie knows that she has worth and purpose no matter the outcome of her career. Michael strives to ensure that Allie knows that her worth isn’t tied to her job or status of her career. Setting Allie up for success and keeping their priorities in order have been some of the biggest challenges for Michael in their relationship.
Final Thought
The Wenig’s are working together to conquer schooling for Allie. She has a ways to go, but she is well over the hump. I think they are doing a great job keeping their priorities in order.
Marriage is a team effort that requires cooperation and hard work. The only way to succeed is to have the same goals in mind and support each other in their interests. The Wenigs are doing what they can to take interest in each other’s lives and support their decisions. There is something in their relationship we can all note for our own lives.
Failure is an interesting concept to me because it changes depending on the perspective. If we make an attempt for a goal in life, but we don’t achieve our goal, we tend to say that we “failed.” If it is a constant and continuing process of failing we tend to say that some is a “failure.” But why is this the case?
Important Definitions
The definition of fail is to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goal. By this definition, if we make the attempt to achieve anything and do not succeed, we have failed. That doesn’t mean that we won’t learn anything along the way, but we have failed. It’s not fun to fail and lose out on achieving our goals. Failing to reach our goals is part of life. We set goals and strive to achieve them and occasionally roadblocks stop us. It is demoralizing and crushing to our morale when we fall short. This usually results in losing the prize at the end of hard work. There are times when we set a goal that is a stretch for our abilities but making goals that are difficult is what pushes us to try our best.
The definition of failure is lack of success. It is possible for us to fail to achieve our goals, but we are not a failure by this definition. Failure would be if we arrived for our goal, failed, but did not come away with anything from the experience. Failure is a lack of learning and success in any way.
Repetitive Failed Goals
I, like most people, sets goals for myself and strive to achieve them. To be honest, I fail quite regularly. I have been working on remodeling part of my basement now for over a year and have failed nearly every milestone that I set in the beginning. I originally wanted to complete the project by Christmas of 2019 and it looks like it will not be completed by Christmas 2020. It is hard to push ourselves when we are not motivated or the reward doesn’t seem to outweigh the input of work. My basement is a great reward and there has been a lot of work input to reach where I am today. I hope to complete the project by the end of the year, but it will take more determination and effort than I have invested recently.
Looking back at my progress I can see that even though I have failed nearly all of my goals, I have come a long way. The space is painted, flooring installed, electrical run, and it’s almost complete. This has still happened with a long list of failed goals. So with all these failed goals, should I consider myself a failure?
Failing ≠ Failure
It’s easier for me to see my progress with something tangible like my basement. I can walk down my stairs and look at the ceiling, walls, and floor and easily depict whether or not a task has been completed, and a goal met. It may be harder to tell when looking at our lives. Not everything that we set a goal to complete is as simple as my basement project. Not all goals we set in our lives have obvious milestones leading up to the primary goal.
Medical students take a Step 1 exam around the end of their second year across the nation. Some of them take it earlier or later, but this seems to be the norm. This is a huge test (if you know a medical student ask them about it) and failing is not an option. Failure is possible and a small percentage of students that fail every year seem to be cast into a different class of students. That failed exam is carved into their permanent academic record. They can retake the exam but the previous failure will always show. I don’t know anyone that has failed but I think this is due to knowing some really good students. From my perspective it seems that most of the students are scared or terrified that they will fail, and use it as motivation to study harder and push for their goal of passing. Students that fail on their first attempt can retake it and become doctors. Failing creates a different path for them, but it is possible. It’s probably best to avoid it but many ask themselves “What if I fail?”
It’s hard to put a positive spin on a failed Step 1 exam due to the repercussions in the students life. Here are some questions that I think we can ask ourselves when we fail our goals.
Is this failed attempt going to ruin my life?
Is there anything positive that has come from this attempt?
Did I achieve anything along the way?
The most important questions are below.
Did I try my best?
What did I learn from this failed attempt?
Is this goal worth trying for again?
The first three questions help to gain some perspective of the situation. I think that in every failure that we experience, there is something positive. It isn’t easy to see positive points after a failed attempt. We may not be able to look back and find it right away, but I believe that it exists. The second three questions are the more important questions in my opinion. The separation between a failed attempt and failure is being able to look at how hard we worked, what we can learn, and if it’s worth pursuing again.
Avoiding Failure
For me the defining line between failing and being a failure is what we learn and how we take our next steps. If we strive to achieve and goals and succeed, then well done. In the event that we fail to achieve our goal but do not learn anything, that is failure.
If failure is defined as a lack of success then as long as we have some sort of success, failure does not occur. I believe that we can always learn from times that we fail. We may learn more about ourselves on how we should/could have handled the situation when compared to success. Maybe we learn that the goal isn’t worth the effort because we don’t enjoy the road to success (or the prize) as much as we thought we would. Maybe we realize where we caused our downfall and can prepare for the next attempt.
The key to avoiding failure is to do our best, learn, and find a way to achieve our goals. There are goals in life that are not achievable. Our mind and body have limits but I don’t think that we usually push ourselves far enough to find them. There is a point where we will be limited and won’t achieve a goal.
It’s hard to tell when the challenge is too much or we didn’t try hard enough. We tend to be limited by our will power and the desire to press on toward our goal. Keeping devoted to a task is hard, especially if the road to the finish line is rough.
Final Thought
I think that people are not failures or achieve failure unless they do not look at what happened and learn from it. Taking the time to look at the situation and think about what happened makes a huge difference in the success when someone tries again. We need to learn from our (and others) past mistakes so that we can be more success on our endeavors of the future. Keep pushing for your goals, learn along the way, and do your best.
If we fail to achieve our goal while learning nothing, we have achieved failure.
My wife is a planner which is useful in so many ways. We have a lot of commitments and it helps to have a plan set forward before embarking on new adventures. Planning for different life events has helped us avoid being unprepared and see potential failures. I enjoy planning some things in life but prefer to go with the flow in most circumstances. Many people prefer to make plans, which are often shifted, and I thought it would be worth discussing how I practice staying relaxed, accepting outcomes, and rolling with the punches. So, when life doesn’t follow my plan how do I deal with the changes?
My Plan of Attack
I tend to follow a process to handle situations where changes occur. My way of handling these changes isn’t perfect, but it works well for most situations. I have broken it out into the following 5 steps.
Look at the situation as a whole picture.
Determine the severity of the situation.
Find the problem.
Plan steps to solve the problem.
Execute the original or new goal.
A Scenario
Let’s say I am planning to purchase a used car from a local dealership. I own a good driving vehicle but am looking for an upgrade. I search online and find a model of vehicle that I like and spend an extensive amount of time studying. I have looked at lots of reviews and find that this vehicle fits my needs and would make a great long term buy. I look at some local dealerships for a few weeks and notice that a new listing has been posted for the vehicle of my interest. I also notice that there are a few listing further away in some nearby towns.
On a Saturday, the only day I am free, I go on a test drive in the vehicle and discover that it has some minor issues, but is still in excellent condition. All-in-all it seems like a great vehicle, listed at a perfect price point for my budget.
After my test drive I arrive back at the dealership to discuss purchasing with a salesperson. I inform them that I should be able to make a decision soon but would like to look around more at other options. They are left with my phone number, and I tell them I could be back in 1 week to make the purchase.
Before I have time to return, I receive a call from the dealership that the vehicle has sold.
A Distant Analysis
Looking at the situation from a distance I see the following facts.
There was a local vehicle for sale.
I know the model of vehicle I want.
I know the price I want to pay.
I liked how the vehicle drove.
I know what price people will pay.
It sold quickly.
A Calculated Severity
In this situation I would look at the repercussions from missing out on purchasing this vehicle.
I didn’t make the purchase and have to continue driving my current vehicle.
I may end up having to pay more and potentially less for a similar vehicle.
I get to keep my money a little longer.
I have more time to branch out my search.
Looking at the list above, missing out on purchasing this vehicle will not have harsh repercussions. I still have my good running car to fall back on and have learned more information on the process of purchasing a used car. I liked that vehicle, but there are others ones that are for sale. If I were to have made this purchase, which is the first that came available, I would not know what else is out there.
Snoop Around
I find it productive to look at why I was not able to purchase that vehicle.
I was not ready to make the purchase at the time of the test drive and decided to wait. I have given an opportunity for someone else to swoop in and make the purchase. I should consider being prepared to make the purchase upon visiting the dealership to lessen my chances of this happening again.
I’ve got (another) Plan!
In this scenario, I have no other choice but to create a new plan. The vehicle that I was interested in purchasing sold to someone else, so it is not available for me.
The new plan is to find another vehicle for sale and put in the work to make the purchase.
Pressing On
In this step I should be putting in the work to find another vehicle for sale. This requires me putting in the work to search dealerships, private sellers, and possibly a larger radius to find the vehicle for me. I can push forward using the previous experience to guide me on my future decisions.
Some new things that I have learned is that I should be ready to buy upon inspecting the vehicle. If I go in unprepared for purchase, there is a chance I can lose the opportunity again.
Understanding the Situation
It is said a lot, but try try again. Being optimistic and looking at the situation from a positive perspective makes a huge difference. When I fail, or feel as if I have failed, I prefer to look at the situation as maybe I avoided some sort of issue. Was I supposed to succeed? Was my blocked path actually protecting me?
Maybe the vehicle I was trying to purchase had a lot of issues. That vehicle may have had engine or transmission problems, which would have resulted in expensive repairs. Maybe the vehicle would only last me a year or two before breaking down. It’s hard to tell, but like I said, I prefer to think of blocked life paths in this way. Due to the fact that I didn’t make the purchase, I won’t know the end result for the vehicle. But I choose to think that maybe I wasn’t supposed to go down that path. Maybe the path that I missed out on wasn’t the path for me, and my next path could be better. Not every path with challenges is a path worth losing, but it is hard to tell when that is the case. There are times when putting in the work to go down the path becomes too much.
In my scenario, I could have tried to find out who bought the vehicle. I could have them tracked them down and made them an offer. Would this be wise? I’m probably going to end up spending a lot more money than if I went out and found a different vehicle. There are times in life where we may need to do this, but it is hard to tell when it is what we should do.
A Final Thought
When looking back at the scenario above, put something from your life as the vehicle that was sold before you could buy it. Maybe your road block is a job you wanted, a car, a relationship, or a life event. It’s hard to come back from some of our failures or losses, but we can learn from them. We may not get what we want, but I believe we are pushed down paths for what we need.
I believe that we are led paths for certain reasons in our lives. There is a path we are made to go on and it tends to be a path we don’t understand. It tends to be a path that if we knew before hand, we would be too scared to go down. We would more than likely feel like quitting or seeking a new path due to what we see ahead.
This is also why I tend not to worry about what’s ahead, and try to view new challenges as something that builds us up stronger than before. That doesn’t mean that I don’t worry or get nervous, because I do. We can learn from the blocked paths and lost ventures, using that information to progress on our next attempt a little further.
My mom gave me a gift this weekend while I was with her for thanksgiving. I’m pretty sure it was meant as a Christmas gift, but she got it in the mail the day after thanksgiving while I was still visiting. She handed me this small brown box and said, “when I saw these I knew you needed to hear them”.
Inside the box, I found two necklaces. They were simple gold pendants with a card behind each of them. This is what the card said.
I WILL RISE
In this hard season, she will conquer the mountain. She is steadying herself and leaning into His grace. And with each step forward she will whisper to herself, “I will rise.”
I turned the card over and found a
Bible verse that was new to me.
Ezra 10:4
Rise up. This matter is in your hands. We will support you. So take courage and do it.
A few weeks ago I wrote about depression. About finding yourself in the “dark and twisty” place. Sitting in the valley. And I told myself, and wrote to you all, that you just have to keep moving forward. But.. I forgot a step. Sometimes in those times, we may no longer be standing. Maybe we are sitting in the valley. Maybe we are lying down in those low spots.
Before we move forward, we need to rise up. (Like it’s easy or something.) I’m sure many of you know how hard that first move is. To rise up. But listen here, it says “Rise up… we will support you.” Do you see that? These things may be in your hands but we WILL support you.
And that’s what my mom wanted me to see, wanted me to hear. Rise up! We will support you. Those times can feel so lonely, but look up and look around, reach out. We will support you. I will support you.
I know thanksgiving looked different for most of us this year. I know many traditions had to be put on pause. And as we look toward Christmas, I hope we can find joy, hope, and thankfulness for what we have and the wonderful things ahead of us.
Thanksgiving has always been a time that my wife and I enjoy. We love getting to spend time with family, eat good food, and have a break from school or work. A shorter school break will occur this year during a time of COVID-19 and medical school commitments. That being said, we will be thankful for what we have been able to do this year despite the different hurdles that have arisen in our path. Traditionally we get to celebrate with all of our family members devouring large amounts of food. Though that may not happen to the same caliber this year, we can still be just as grateful for how we have been blessed.
A Smaller Group
With COVID-19 infecting different parts of the United States, we are being influenced to keep our gatherings to a minimum. Many of my friends have had their Thanksgiving plans cancelled or changed to cut down to a small group size. This will cause them to miss seeing some of their more distant relatives in an effort to follow the set guidelines. This is a sad time for most, especially those who haven’t seen each other since last Christmas.
The time that people have been apart from relatives has taken a toll on them mentally. We have a large number of older members that have been mostly isolated from the outside world, and they will now miss getting to see their family members at this holiday. For some, the isolation has now been for 7+ months which is a very long time apart from closer family members and friends.
Minimized Family
We have been urged by our local governments to cut down the sizes of our gatherings in an effort to slow the spread of COVID-19. This doesn’t mean that we can’t have a celebration, but we are supposed to limit our gathering sizes. If you are from a larger family, this can leave out family members from celebrating. Smaller families may not feel this as much, but larger families will for sure. One of my friends is from a large family that is sprawled out across the Midwestern United States. They have made the decision to keep separate for Thanksgiving. There will be no gathering, family reunion, or time where they will all see each other this season.
Giving Thanks
There are a lot of things that we are thankful for this year, despite the plan changes due to Covid-19. Here are some things that I am thankful for this year. Hopefully some of the things that have blessed me, have blessed you as well.
We have a home.
This may seem like a given, but there are a lot of people in the United States right now that do not have a home. They may have lost their job or home due to uncontrolled circumstances and are trying to make it daily.
We have family.
Not everything that our families do is what we want, but they are doing what they think is best for us. We know that we can call on them if we need help and they will try. The current events with COVID-19 will keep us from seeing some of our family members, but they know we still love them.
We have food on the table.
I have been fortunate enough to work during this national COVID-19 fiasco without interruptions. I know people close to me that have not been able to keep their jobs or remain at work. Unemployment has struck a lot of families this year and will affect them through the holidays.
We have grown closer together.
With the COVID-19 circumstances around us we have been able to spend more time together. We took walks, rode bikes, and watched movies together quite a bit this year. Without being able to travel or shop as much this year, we have been pushed to find things we enjoy together.
We have amenities.
As always, one of my favorite responses to “what are you thankful for?” is indoor plumbing and air conditioning. These are things that we take for granted in our everyday lives. Not having to haul water or leave our climate conditioned home to use the bathroom is an amenity that most of us can’t imagine living without. In the heat of summer we have the ability to crank the ac so it’s icy in our homes and cars. Some amenities I greatly appreciate.
Final Thoughts
Many people have lost a great deal this year. Some have lost jobs, homes, or family members. If this is the case for you, I believe you still have a lot going for you. We have a lot of good things going for us. We are truly and deeply blessed even if we don’t see it at first. I urge you to take some time to think about all of the ways you have been fortunate this year.
To finish off this post I would like to remind you to call, text, email, or video chat with those family members that can’t make it to your gathering. It may have a huge positive impact on their mental health. It will also show them that you are thinking of them and give you an opportunity to let them know you appreciate them. We want to be together with our families, but the circumstances are not in our favor this year.
We will have to hope things improve and re-evaluate the state of our country come Christmas time.
