Year 4 – Supporting an Aspiring Doctor

I have discovered that it is harder to help my wife make decisions in medical school than initially anticipated. There are lots of big decisions that have to be made, now that school is coming to an end. We are looking at residency programs that would be a good fit for us on the next step of the journey to become a physician.

The programs are much more than just school. There is a chance we will be moving depending on the outcome from the Match. So not only does residency affect her, but it will also affect me and our baby that is on the way. If we move, I will end up changing jobs and we will live in a new area. Considering the factors that will directly affect me, how do I help her to make the BEST decision for her while considering myself and our baby?

I want to begin with two common “NO NOs” when it comes to supporting our spouses and SOs. They are more common than you would think and cause lots of friction and falling out of relationships.

You can make the decision, it’s YOUR life.

This is a phrase that I would avoid. I know people say this to their spouse or significant other during this time, but it puts unnecessary pressure on the Medical Student and removes the other party from the situation. The med student cares about the spouse or SOs opinion and refusing to talk through ideas and give advise is lazy and not encouraging.

My wife cares what I feel is the best decision. I tend to rationalize thoughts and find ways to quantify decisions I make when it comes to this type of stuff. It isn’t an easy decision. The med student is trying to make a decision that will affect them now (the next 3-5 years) and ultimately forever as they are choosing their specialty. Finding a way for me to have input isn’t easy either. It would definitely be easier if I just told my wife, “ you pick what’s good for you, I don’t have a preference,” but it doesn’t help. She cares about me, and I her, so I should try to help because she wants what’s best for US, not just herself.

An Unruly Ultimatum

Ultimatums are not good ways of showing you are dedicated. Offering support only if your spouse or SO give in to what we want is a good way to cause friction. If we are in a relationship with our SO that operates off ultimatums, is it worth taking to residency?

Now for some positive points!

Don’t worry about me.

I have a hard time explaining this to my wife, but it’s true. No matter where we go or what we do she shouldn’t worry about me. I have been able to find happiness in our relationship being in Kendallville, IN and Warsaw, IN and Toledo, OH. Why does location matter? I will find some sort of job to help us and we will find a home. I truly feel that as long as we are together I will find happiness. I’m pretty tough and haven’t let anything get to me too bad so far on this journey. We work to keep our marriage strong and I don’t think being in our current location or a new one will change that.

Don’t let my WANTS put you in a spot that doesn’t give you what you NEED.

I joke with my wife that she should have applied for programs in Texas so I could hunt for pigs. It would be really fun and give opportunities for new adventures, but is it what we need? We have realized that being close to family is more important than fun adventures at this time in our lives. There will be time for all the fun adventures, but moving 1,000 miles away so I can hunt pigs during residency isn’t our best decision. It would definitely be fun, but not what is best for our family.

McDonalds is always hiring.

Not only is McDonalds always hiring, so are other fast food chains and businesses. I will find a job anywhere we are because it is what our family needs. I am here to support her and provide what we need to get through school.

Ideally I would find a job in the engineering or manufacturing field, but it may not happen for a while. At least temporarily, I can provide for us in any way needed to have an influx of cash. Residency also pays the doctors, so maybe I will just become that trophy husband early and finally get the abs I’ve always wanted.

We are worth considering, but you are our #1.

Making the residency decision based on our family is important. Very important. We are along for the ride until you finish medical school and we appreciate being considered. That being said, the residency program choices are for the doctor. The doctor is the one attending and will be having the most experiences. We (Charlotte and I) will find ways to make life work. We can change lots but the doctor can change little.

Is it possible?

Yes! I would say the biggest key to not feeling as if I am influencing too much is to talk and communicate. There have been a lot of things discussed that I wanted that she also wanted. If we don’t communicate I would feel as if I want something that she doesn’t. We are a team and are working toward a goal together. Being open to discuss possible changes, wants and needs is a good start.

A final key would be to NOT make demands that are impossible or selfish. It’s okay to state that we don’t want to live somewhere that could be hazardous. Demanding something like, “I am not going with you to residency unless we live in a 10,000 square foot mansion with gold inlaid marble floors is unreasonable.” Well, it is for me but maybe not someone reading this. Is your particular demand truly needed?

For Aleena – We have your back as we are in this together to support you. We want you to become the best doctor possible and will have fun along the way! You got this!

For many of us, our path through life feels like doors opening and closing. Sometimes we are hoping for a specific route to be open and we are faced with a closed door. Sometimes a new door appears and we are hesitant to take it. But what about when we already have decided to go down one path, through one door, when another door appears?

Many of you will know that not too long ago, I (Aleena) helped Jacob write a post announcing my decision to go into Obstetrics and Gynecology for my specialty. I was ready. I was prepared. I had my spreadsheets done and was ready to go down the application trail. This was 3 years in the making and I was fully committed to this path. And then God showed me another door.

My first thought was “why now?” Why wasn’t this door shown to me sooner? Why was this happening at the beginning of fourth year? Why now? My mom gave me a great answer to this question… “you weren’t ready for it.”

Have any of you been in this spot? A door was shown to you at (what you would consider) a difficult, unfortunate, weird, stressful time? But if that door would have opened sooner, you wouldn’t have given it the time of day, because you weren’t ready.

So, here’s how it happened. 😊

May 26th 5:45am, those two pink lines showed up. Our joy and excitement could barely be contained. We hugged and cried and celebrated because we were having a baby! And then, I got nervous. I found out so early, I was only 4 weeks pregnant. So we told our parents and kept it quiet.

As the weeks progressed, our anxieties started to lessen and I knew I needed to talk to the school. My due date was February 2nd and I needed a plan to finish medical school. I arranged a meeting with student affairs on June 9 to put a plan together. The administration was great! A plan was put together and I was ready to take on fourth year with the intent of finishing at the end of January and having a maternity leave.

Before I left the office the director looked at me and asked “have you considered dual applying?” … What?

Dual applying is the process of applying for two different types of specialties for residency with the understanding that you’ll end up in one of them. This was never something I had planned on. Why was he asking me this? He mentioned a couple programs including Family Medicine with a focus in obstetrics. My mind was whirling and I told him I would look into it. Now mind you, I was 2 days away from taking Step 2. This wasn’t the time to have a complete change in the plan. So I tucked that information in the back of my mind and moved forward.

June 11th – this was the day I took Step 2. I was prepared and ready… for it to be over. This was the last big exam of medical school! The day went by slowly, but also rather quickly. Jacob and I celebrated that night for both taking Step 2 and our 5 year anniversary. A quick glimpse into the future would show us celebrating a passing score that was higher than I expected! I was feeling thankful and proud of myself for the work I put in and the improvement this score showed.

June 21st. I had just finished my first day of my acting internship in Maternal Fetal Medicine. My Attendings were amazing and the cases were interesting. My OBGYN advisor was one of the attending physicians I was working with. I sat down in his office and asked if I could ask an advising question. I told him about my meeting with student affairs and asked “what are your thoughts on dual applying?” He took a second to think before telling me it didn’t seem like a bad idea. We talked for a while about how the perception around dual applying has changed and that based on my test scores, resume, and experiences, this could be a good thing for me. Then he said, “You know, we’ve talked a few times and I know some of your values and goals that are shaping what you want your attending life to look like. Have you considered family medicine with an obstetrics focus?” … funny you should mention it. I left his office feeling better, but asking the question “what does this mean?” Why did I have two advisors asking me the same question?

June 22nd. I had just finished rounding with my second attending on maternal-fetal medicine when he asked “so, why OB/GYN?” So I gave him my whys. I told him that I liked the diversity in care. I loved working with women. I wanted longitudinal care. I wanted to be involved in the big moments. I wanted to provide women’s health in the rural communities. I told him what I could see my future looking like. He nodded along and took a few seconds to think. He turned to me and asked, “have you considered Family Medicine with an OB focus?”

This wasn’t a coincidence anymore. I just kind of chuckled and said, “I think I’ll look into that.”

So I did. I spent days researching Family medicine residencies. I looked to see what they offered and what I could be trained in. I set up meetings to talk with some family physicians in my life to learn about their decision to pursue family med. I talked with Jacob, Mom, Dad, Christi, and Brian. And then I spent time thinking about my core values. What did I want my life as a physician to look like?

I want to be a great wife. I want to be a great mom. I want to be a great doctor. I want to live and work in a rural area. I want to provide care for a community similar to the ones that poured into me when I was growing up. I want to be a part of a community that will love my family. I want to help bring women’s health to areas that may not have the best access. I want to provide longitudinal care. I want to know my patients well and be there for all of the big changes in life. I want diversity in my work. I want to work with people of all ages. I want to do some procedures and I want time to counsel and teach patients. And at the end of the day, I want to go home and enjoy my family. I want to take my kids fishing, go camping, explore some cities and state parks. I want to have Sunday brunch with my family after church. Being a physician is important, but being present with my family and enjoying my life outside of work is even more important. Can I do all this as an OB/GYN? Probably. But when I look at what matters to me and the work I want to do… Family medicine with a focus on rural and women’s health is the better decision for me.

When God showed me another door, I hesitantly opened it to see what could be and I found myself falling in love with medicine and becoming a doctor all over again. When I really dug deep to figure out what I really wanted to do, I found I wanted to be a primary care physician for the rural population in northern Indiana or northwest Ohio, providing care that they need!

And that’s how it happened. In a span of 3 weeks, I completely changed what my future would look like and I am so excited to watch it unfold. If there is anything I want you to get from my story it’s this…

God will use people in your life to get your attention! Pay attention and listen. There are big things at work in your life!
When God shows you another door, take a peak! You may find that there is a completely different path that is perfect for you that you didn’t consider before.
Change can be really good! Be open to new doors and do your research!

Category: Year 4

Can I show my spouse support without feeling as if I made a decision for them?