Category: Marriage and Relationships (Page 2 of 2)

The Veermans

October 28, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Something that I admire in people is their willingness to take on life changes when it is going to be hard. It can be difficult to squeeze life events into schedules during medical school, but not impossible. Medical school consumes the lives of the students seemingly taking away (or delaying) different life opportunities. Not all students feel this way, but it appears to be this way for a majority of them from my perspective.

I have noticed there are quite a few single people looking to date during medical school. There are a few that meet their spouses during medical school and get married. I am not 100% sure, but I would guess that an even smaller number of couples get married during medical school. It can appear to be better to wait until after medical school, but not to Brent and Karyn.

Brent Veerman and Karyn Schmidt met each other during medical school. They met early in Karyn’s medical school career, and dated for about 20 months before getting married. This timeline currently puts Brent is his 4th year of medical school, and Karyn in her 3rd year. They got married on October 17th, 2020 which wasn’t long ago. Though they have been married for less than a month, they appear to be doing great. I have not heard any complaints, so it seems to be good so far. It takes some time to get used to living with someone, even your spouse. They are both great people with a long and happy marriage ahead of them. There will be more to come in their married lives, but I am primarily going to focus on their dating lives.

Daily Schedule

Seeing as both Brent and Karyn are medical students, it was difficult for them to tell if they were missing out on time together with their schedules. While dating there weren’t many times where one was free and the other was busy. Their schedules tended to align fairly regularly. Karyn doesn’t really see what they could have been missing, but it appears to be because they were so busy. Both of them enjoy cooking, and intend to keep cooking together after marriage. Cooking is a task they enjoy together and it gives them time together, and a meal. From my experience, taking time to cook a meal can build quality time together. I remember talking to Brent about he and Karyn cooking some different items, like potstickers, and how much he enjoys spending time with her.

One thing that seemed to weigh on Karyn while dating was the inability to have a lot of real dates. Real dates would be considered a time where she can go out with Brent to a nice meal, where they can have good conversation. They get to spend time together, but Karyn would prefer to have more time to go on dates. She hopes to have more of these opportunities now that they are married. From my perspective, Karyn enjoys making memories with Brent. It is unfortunate when we don’t have enough room in our schedules to get the amount of quality time that we would like.

Now that they are married, there will be changes in their daily schedules. One huge advantage that I can see is the fact that they get to spend every night together. One burden that I felt while dating was dropping my wife off at her dorm, and I know Brent and Karyn feel that as well. They have also experienced this because Brent and Karyn chose to put themselves in the same position while they were dating. It can be more expensive to live apart paying rent for two different places, but it’s worth it in my opinion. Getting to spend that time in the evening (and morning) with your spouse is one huge advantage for people when they are married. Being able to see your loved one at the end of each day makes a positive impact in their lives.

Stressors

From Karyn’s perspective, one of the biggest stressors for Brent has been choosing a specialty and where he would like to go for residency. This is a very common stressor that I have heard from medical students. One thing that makes the decision hard for Brent is he is one year ahead of Karyn. Depending on where he picks, and is chosen, they could be apart for one year while she completes medical school. It is difficult to balance making the choice between where to go and how far he will be from his wife.

Karyn chooses to help him handle the stress by talking through the stressful situations. This should allow Brent and Karyn to collaborate on big choices. They can put their minds together and share their viewpoints on the decision, which should help them make the decision with less stress. This is going to be a difficult decision for them, but not impossible. I know that I prefer to talk through stressful situations with my wife to make sure that I am making the right choice.

Brent enjoys working out and relaxing with his friends or roommates to handle stress. As everyone might know, exercise is a good stress reliever. That being said, exercise doesn’t relieve all stress on someone’s life. Karyn hopes that being married will allow them to spend more time together and in turn, lessen some of the stress in their lives. This has been the case for me, and for others that I have spoken with. Having someone by your side through your hardships makes a huge difference in the amount of stress accrued.

Extracurriculars

Brent and Karyn don’t have a ton of free time, but they work to make time for personal health. Brent works out regularly and enjoys playing intramural sports like basketball when possible. Karyn works out regularly on her own or with friends, but also spends time doing physical activities with Brent. Some physical activities that they enjoy together are tennis and mini golf.

Brent enjoys taking time for construction and crafting projects. I know that he enjoys doing these things, and I have invited him multiple times to my house to assist me on my projects. He has helped me work in my house, and we have worked on some projects of his as well. He was trying to find something to give Karyn as a wedding gift, so I offered him help so that he could build her gift. Brent spent a lot of time building her gift, and it’s amazing! Brent crafted a live edge maple and epoxy coffee table that will last them for years.

Karyn and Brent both enjoy traveling. Karyn has taken trips to Florida, Maine, and other places during medical school. They have gone on some trips and camped together, occasionally with Brent’s friends. Not really something I’m into, but Brent and Karyn are brave enough to have gone skydiving together! They trust each other a lot, and are enjoying the thrills of life together.

Satisfaction

Something important to keeping mental stamina up is enjoying the task at hand. Karyn knows overall Brent is enjoying his experience in medical school. Enjoying where he is in life will help him to work hard and feel satisfied. Karyn and Brent are able to have conversations daily recapping their experiences. This is something that I have found is much easier after marriage. In my opinion, it’s not hard to have a phone call to recap the day, but it’s a lot better in person. Being able to have an in-depth discussion recapping the day makes a difference in mental health. There are different events that happen during the day that take a toll on medical students. Patient condition, patient loss, and school work are common stressors. Talking about these things helps to reduce stress and can help to have more satisfaction in their work. Karyn is in a more unique situation when compared to me in my opinion. Since she is also a medical student, she can further relate to Brent when it comes to medicine than I will be able to relate to my wife. This offers a new perspective and will help them relate and converse with each other when it comes to medical field experiences. I don’t think that her situation gives a clear advantage over my situation, but it will be more beneficial is some aspects.

Finances

When it comes to students, finances tend to be a simple subject. Most students are forced to live off of loans due to not having income. Brent and Karyn are both medical students, which makes their financial situation tighter than mine. Medical school does not allow them any time during the year for a job. This is different than undergrad, which typically has summer vacation (time to make some money). They are currently living off of assistance from their parents and student loans. Without having steady income from a job it can be harder to live, but Karyn doesn’t feel this way. She feels that they are very fortunate in their lives financially. Part of the blessing is only having student loans through Brent. Paying off his loans will be their main focus as they progress into residency and the workforce.

Final Thoughts

Brent and Karyn put a significant amount of value on spending time together. I know for a fact they try to spend evenings and church together. Free time is hard to find, but they are trying to make it work. They are working together for a common goal, and helping each other along the way. I find this very useful because good mental health can be difficult to maintain with all of the strain becoming a doctor. They are open with each other (especially now that they are married) and can lean on each other when they are struggling. It can be difficult to make big life choices, and they have been working together on communication for a while.

They got married recently and will do great things in their lives and the medical field. As doctors they will work through good times and bad times together. They are able to relate to each other on a deeper level in their personal and professional lives. Valuable skills will be learned through these similarities and differences that they can pass to their kids. Brent and Karyn will be able to raise them with all the intuition and knowledge they have gained during these Med School years.

Getting married during medical school isn’t easy with the demand for time and commitment. Brent and Karyn are showing us that is it possible! Hopefully you (as the reader) can learn tips and tricks from their relationship, and implement them in your life.

A Day for Eternity

October 21, 2020 / Jacob Brown

After attending the wedding of a friend I began to think about some different concepts of marriage and misconceptions from society. I also began to think about the close friends that the bride and groom have in their lives.

The groom had one of his long time friends as his best man. I didn’t ask, but it may be his longest relationship with anyone outside of family. From what I remember, his relationship with his best man has lasted more than a decade. His friend has been there in his life since they were kids, and they have been close ever since. The bride had one of her family members as her maid of honor. This has been a lifelong relationship with lots of ups and downs. They have travelled together and comforted each other in times of need. They have taken care of each other for around two decades! That’s a long relationship and nearly all of their lives. Both the bride and groom have very close friends, which is awesome and will help them for the rest of their lives.

Legal Matters

Marriage, from a legal sense, is a binding contract tying people together. When we got married we went down to the court house and obtained a marriage license. We could have been married on the spot as long as we had a witness and person licensed to marry us. That would have been a lot cheaper, but not as fun as getting married surrounded by friends and family for a ceremony. When the paperwork is completed (and the marriage is consummated) both persons are tied together for life. That is the case unless it is annulled, divorce occurs, or one person dies.

Silk Sheets

When I got married I did not feel as if I had as tight of a friend group as my friends who got married recently. It was awesome seeing how both of them, the bride and groom, have had friends for all or nearly their entire lives. I’m not exactly sure of the cause, but I had a hard time with friends during my childhood. I had more friends while I was younger and that quantity reduced as I neared college. This seems to be normal for most everybody, but it caused me some issues when I was trying to choose groomsmen for my wedding.

Leading up to my wedding I struggled to find people to fill my spots for groomsmen because I didn’t have a lot of friends. I made my best man my older brother, and another groomsmen my younger brother. I had two spots to fill, and was left trying to decide who to choose. I ended up picking a couple great guys that I competed with in track. This worked out good for our ceremony, but I don’t talk to either of them today. We just weren’t that close. My wife chose her best friend at the time to be her maid of honor, and she still talks to her and hangs out with her on occasion. Some of her other bridesmaids were my sister and a couple other friends.

I am amazed and impressed by how close our friends are to their friends and family. They have people investing deeply into their lives, and have people they can talk to or help when they need it. As the header suggests, have a wedding party like “silk sheets.” Show those closest to you that you appreciate them and they are big in your life. They are almost, or are, like family to you. Keep it tightly knit.

Name Changing Game

Traditionally the woman will change her name to take the man’s name when getting married. This isn’t a requirement for marriage, but I am appreciative that my wife chose this route. In recent times people have contributed the name change (and marriage in general) to being a form of ownership over your spouse. I’m not really sure how people arrive at this, because to me this is not the case. We changed her last name and fulfilled the long time running name changing tradition. If it were traditional to change my name to match hers, I would in a heartbeat. For me, the change takes the cohesiveness of the relationship to another level. Here are some of the things I think about when looking at name changing after marriage.

When your names match, people can say things like: Oh look, the Brown’s are here!
Having the same last name shows unity and trust.
Having the same name includes everyone in the family. An example is if my wife and I had 4 kids, more than likely they would have my last name. My wife would be singled out with a different last name.

Keep in mind there aren’t any rules, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s all personal preference. Personally I enjoy having the same last name, but that doesn’t work for everybody depending on their view or place in life.

Unifying Tendencies

The average age that people are getting married is becoming later in life. So why is this? Are people too busy? Have they not met the right person? Marriage isn’t for everybody. There isn’t anything that says people have to get married in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. That would be crazy! It is interesting to me many people are putting it off until later in life.

I think one big influence is a societal acceptance of common marriage benefits. These have been pushed to become “normal dating relationship” benefits. Understand my use of “normal relationship benefits” means they are expected or at least are not looked down upon as much anymore in our society. This doesn’t mean that the different practices are beneficial, but they are more accepted.

People used to, and still do, wait until marriage before having sex. This has grown to become a benefit of dating in a lot of circles and is almost expected.
People have begun getting joint bank accounts together while dating. This did not used to be a common practice, and appears to have risen recently.
People move in together before marriage. This used to be a taboo practice, and has now become normal and is widely accepted.
We have a movement of people becoming single parents. We used to hold both parties more accountable and expect them to be there for their child or children.

The list above is comprised of things that I have noticed. Most, if not all of them, have factual evidence to prove that a relationship started in that manner will not be as successful when compared to couples that can abstain. It can be difficult to keep ourselves living separate lives when we want to be close, but it can make or break the relationship in the long run.

Final Thought

To finish out this post I would like to leave the idea that marriage works best as a selfless act. Yes we should look at the other person from what they can provide to our lives and relationship leading into marriage, but we should work in our relationships to benefit the other person. This is probably one of the most difficult concepts to practice, and to me one of the most important.

The Collegiate Marriage Gain

August 19, 2020 / Jacob Brown

There are a lot of positive aspects and advantages to getting married. My wife and I got married while earning our undergraduate degrees. I know that a lot of people date through college and waited until afterward because they don’t feel they were ready. There is nothing wrong with waiting until after you graduate from college, but I would like to explain how we went about getting married during college. Getting married while in school was a good move for us, and it might be for you as well.

It may seem a little bit scary to get married while in school, and I totally understand. There were a lot of factors that we considered before deciding to get married while in school. After we gathered information online and from our families, we decided that it would be better to get married while in school, instead of waiting until after we graduated.

Following are some of our main concerns that we had while we were trying to get married during college. There may be more, but these are some big ones that I am confident will resonate with others.

Can we afford to rent an apartment? Eat? Gas? Insurance? Phones? We decided to make a spreadsheet of all of our future expenses. Rent, utilities, gas, insurance, food, and extra expenses were some of our main categories. We crunched all of the numbers and found an approximate amount of money that we would have to make during the summer in order to live. We were able to live in an apartment owned by my parents for free, the rent cost to us was providing the upkeep for the property. My wife’s parents offered to pay for our phones, which was a huge help is getting us started. Her parents also offered to pay for her gas, which also helped a lot. We tried to be fairly strict on our food budget so that we would have extra money to do fun activities together. My wife took the initiative to work at the school as a lab assistant to bring in extra money. It wasn’t a lot of money, but it was enough to boost our bank account and made it possible for us to partake in fun activities together.

Are her parents prepared to pay for the wedding? This seems to be a huge deal for the bride’s parents (if they are paying for it). Weddings can be very costly, but that all depends on how the event has been planned. Is it low budget? Is it very extravagant? Is it somewhere in the middle? Getting married can be as low cost or as expensive as we want it to be. We worked with my wife’s parents to find out what they wanted and could pay and went from there. Not everyone’s parents have the ability to pay for something like this if they are also paying for their child’s school bills. It could be another big expense to add on at a hard time.

Will we have somewhere to live together? Like I said above, my parents were able to let us live in a property that they owned. Not everyone will be able to have this blessing, but some do. Some people are able to live at their parent’s house and go to school if they live close enough. If you are unable to have this opportunity, I urge you to find housing that is at the bottom of your budget, just inside the limit of feeling safe where you live. It doesn’t have to be a large place or have lots of amenities. You won’t live there very long, and will enjoy the money that you save. I know a couple that we went to college with that lived at the husband’s parent’s house. The parents were out of town a lot, so they had the house completely to themselves most of the year.

How much do we need to make during the summer? Overall, this is one of the biggest considerations for people in college. The work during the summer provides all or nearly all of the income for the person while they are in college. We worked at our own jobs during the summer then had to make it work for the most part. It is hard to have a good paying summer job when you are a seasonal worker. We took this amount of money and used it to help us budget for the school year. From what I remember, we had about $6,000 from summer work to stretch across 9 months so that we could make it through the school year. This isn’t a lot of money, so budgeting is crucial.

Can we get better financial aid when we get married? For those that don’t know, financial aid is offered to college students. The federal and state financial aid is used to help those whose families are under a certain threshold of income so that they can go to college. From our experience (same rules are set today) we were able to get more aid after we were married than before. This is due to the fact that when you get married YOU are the head of household, not a dependent. When you fill out everything and show that your household makes very little money, you can get full assistance. When we got married we missed the cutoff for state aid, but were able to receive the federal aid. This resulted in only paying about $5,000 for the school year. Then, the following year after we made the cutoff for federal and state we were able to get paid to go to school. We were able to use that money for cost of living and save our money from working during the summer.

Will we keep our school scholarships? I’m sure there are scholarships that you are not able to keep when you are married. My wife and I did not have those types of scholarships. My wife won a scholarship through the presidential scholarship competition at the college we attended. This money paid for all of her schooling the last 2 school years after we got married. I had very little loans my junior year, and none my senior year.

Can we keep our friend groups after marriage? From my experience, you should be able to keep all of your friends after you get married. There are limitations, but this is a general rule. I also found that it is good to hang out with your friends and have time with them. It is good to be yourself and have fun with friends or alone, and not only with your spouse.

Do our families approve of the decision? How can we explain our decision to them so they understand we can make it? We didn’t have to convince our parents in my opinion. We did do a lot to demonstrate how we would make it and how we had planned out our budgeting. Having enough money is hard, but it can be done. I would suggest putting together a budget with expenses that shows an approximate income and living expenses for the entire year. After all, you will still need some sort of living space when school is out of session.

If you are looking at getting married while in college, you may be thinking of the same questions we did. We spent well over a year figuring out everything for after we got married, we started before we were engaged. That being said, not everyone has the same concerns or needs as much time to make decisions as we did. If you want to get married, you can do it.

I am not a fan of long engagements, and believe that when we know we want to get married, we should do it as soon as possible. This is partly why we got married while in college, we are also “high school sweethearts.” Our engagement was about 9 months, which was plenty long for the wedding planning. Most of the wedding planning was done during the school year. Take time to think about what you will gain by getting married in college. It is a challenge at times, but well worth it in my opinion.

Drop Her Off

July 29, 2020 / Jacob Brown

I remember all the times that my now wife and I would go down to the lake or out to eat during college. We tried to spend time together at least 3 days per week, most of which involves having dinner at her parent’s house. Spending time together is fun, but it comes to an end as the sun goes down. The worst part for me during this dating phase in our relationship was taking her home afterward, just so that I could pick her up sometime the next day to spend time together again. This was our life during college before we got married. Separating yourself from your significant other for the night is not the easiest thing to do, or the most desirable, but plays a large role in the health of the relationship.

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder” is a common phrase that pertains to this subject. When we are seeking someone to date or marry in our lives, it can be difficult to be apart. After all, we enjoy the company of the other person and creating memories with them. Most of the time we have similar interests as our significant other and like to do the same things. I have found myself doing activities alone that I feel I should be doing with my wife because she enjoys them as well. I don’t really like leaving her out of activities that I think are fun for both of us. As an example, I don’t usually ride my bike or use my kayak without her (unless she can’t go due to her busy schedule) because I know she enjoys the activities.

If we are always reliant on someone or something, it can be hard to tell exactly how much we like or depend on it. As an example, imagine a person has a cellphone with them for calls, messages, and maps. They always have their phone with them. Now, what if this person was in a town they don’t recognize and their phone battery dies. Now what? They are left with figuring out how to get home by themselves without the help of other people. They have no way to call and ask for help or use map programs. What will they do?

In reality they would probably just find someone and ask them to use their phone or ask directions. But what if the phone is someone we are dating and they leave the relationship? What if they are gone for a week without seeing you? It can be hard to tell how much we rely on a significant other without having space apart from them, whatever the length of time. If the relationship were to end, can we still make our way through life effectively? In the example with a person and their phone, if they have never learned to make it in life without it (or lost touch with being single), they could be lost for a long time.

Dating can be a difficult time. For some there is a lot of heartbreak and turmoil. Others, like myself, were fortunate enough to date younger and stick with the same lady until marriage.

Learn the “paper maps” of your relationship. It is good to help each other in relationships. Not all of us have strengths in every aspect, and your significant other should complement those weaknesses. That being said, we should be able to navigate all aspects of our lives without our significant other while dating. If your partner is gone on a trip or is going to relax with their friends, don’t set yourself up for failure by being overly dependent. It is good to rely on them for some things, but not everything. I like to think of my weaknesses as being the “paper map.” It still works, but it is harder for me to navigate. Her strengths that compliment my weaknesses could be referred to as the “GPS” maps. I can still operate and navigate life without a GPS, but the GPS improves the situation.

Continue your life, and add them to it. Not all aspects of our lives can be continued when we start dating. For example, if a person was going on dates with different people and finds one they have decided to date, it’s probably not in their best interest to keep dating other people. This is just one activity, but there are others. It would be awkward if the person decided that they still wanted to drive around in the car how they used to when they were single. Maybe in order to do this they told their significant other that they would need to drive themselves because they want to drive alone all the time. Probably not super productive for relational growth.

Another change would be going from spending all of our time with our friends, then spending no time with them because we are dating someone. This change would involve spending all of our free time with our significant other. If we spend 100% of our time with someone, it can get quite annoying. I am just going to say it. We don’t need to spend all of our time with someone in order to show them we care about them. It is good to spend a healthy amount of time with your significant other, and a healthy amount of time with your friends or alone. If you are prospecting marriage with your significant other, it would be good to figure out how much time to spend with them. Should I spend more time with them than my friends? From my perspective, we should make a significant other an addition to our lives to improve. These relationships should not hinder us.

Drop her off at the end of the day. I am a big advocate for waiting until marriage to move in together and become physically active. Is it easy? NO. It might be one of the hardest things to do in a relationship in today’s society. We have a lot of cultural and societal influences that try to persuade us away from this idea. Everything from TV shows, to books, to music tries to influence us against the idea of waiting until marriage. The rate of divorce is higher among people who cohabitate before marriage. What are some influences in living together that could result in a high divorce rate? I’m not really sure if there is a definitive answer. It seems to me that it could be the result of too much dependency and too much time together for their people to know whether they should get married or not. They could be stuck in an “infatuation” phase and are not able to move out of it due to decreased separation from each other. Spending all of this time together does not allow them to find what they need in life, and what their partner will do when they are apart. When the day together is over, it’s beneficial to be separated. It’s good to live apart and really find what it is you enjoy or are looking for in a person.

4th Wedding Anniversary

June 17, 2020 / Jacob Brown

My wife and I just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. We got married between our sophomore and junior year of undergrad, in 2016. It has been an awesome experience being married while in college, and I think we have been able to answer quite a few questions for other couples. We enjoy talking with couples that are looking at getting married or are dating while in college.

When your spouse is in medical school there are times that you have to squeeze fun activities into small windows. As an example, we chose to celebrate our anniversary together by going on a day trip. We also looked at the cost to stay somewhere, and decided that we could do a day trip and be satisfied with our time together.

We left our house and headed toward Cleveland, OH to visit Cuyahoga National Park. Neither of us had been there, and it seemed like it would be a nice place to visit together. The weather forecast was good, and walking on the trails and riding in the car together would give us a lot of time to talk to each other. We are both fairly busy, and getting busier, so we decided this would be a nice trip. Our goal for the trip was to get out in nature and spend time together. We don’t get to talk to each other enough, and this was a great opportunity to do so.

We were also able to drive around the Cleveland area to see what it has to offer. Cleveland is a potential residency location, so we decided to drive around the neighborhoods just to see what they looked like. We visited the West Side Market as well. It was a cool experience having vendors selling goods in a bustling building. I can see how it would be filled with people buying meats, vegetables, breads, and confections later in the summer. Due to COVID-19 limiting people in buildings, it was not too busy.

We ended up eating at a nearby restaurant for lunch, then headed to Brandywine Falls, our first stop on the trip. For me, this was the most memorable location. The view of the falls is calming, and I’m pretty sure it was my wife’s favorite.

We ended up not staying in the Cleveland area for dinner and headed home. This worked out well. We went to the store and bought crab legs and some bread and planned to have our Anniversary Feast at our house the next day. This also allowed us to save some money, and get to spend more time together.

Tips for the reader.

Value the little things. Every trip or vacation you take with your spouse doesn’t need to be extravagant. Making a day trip to a scenic location is simple and cheap. Spending time together getting to talk can help you deepen your relationship, and get to know each other more.

Support your spouse. Your relationship will be way better if you can support your spouse in their life goals. I am finding new ways all the time to support my wife. A recent one is finding ways to take day trips or go to parks. It really helps her keep her stress levels down.

Take a cheap trip. Trips don’t have to be expensive in order to be entertaining or fun. As an example, the parks we went to were free, our lunch was $15, and we spent about $20 on gas for the entire trip. Not too bad for visiting a new city and going on a new adventure together.