For me and my family, 2022 was definitely a year to remember. We had lots of adventures and were fortunate to have most things work out in our favor.
We began the year taking home a newborn baby from the hospital. Our daughter Charlotte was born premature, but is a fighter. She managed to avoid the NICU and grow as God intended. We spent quite a bit of time in the hospital at the end of 2021 due to complications with my wife and were gifted our daughter December 31, 2021. Our lives were very blessed getting to spend the entirety of 2022 with a healthy child in our home.
In the early summer my wife graduated from Medical School and we found out we were heading to Mishawaka, IN for her to continue her education. Packing up all our things from Toledo, OH and heading back Indiana was stressful. It put some strain on us with scheduling, timing and arrangements. My wife’s parents were nice enough to allow us to live with them for a few weeks until our permanent living arrangements could fall into place. It was a huge help for us to have that opportunity. Due to having to move into my in-laws until our housing became available, we ended up having to move twice. We moved from Ohio to storage units, then from storage units into our home. Having the opportunity and ability to make such a move (though not far in distance) was a true blessing. Our families helped out more than they probably needed to and we are grateful.
We bought a van to make traveling easier for our family. Unfortunately, about one month after the purchase the transmission went out. It seemed to have an issue prior to going out, but it went from functional to broken fairly quickly. Having to spend the money to make the repair was a burden, but was necessary. I’m sure a lot of people have been there before, spending money to fix something that was just purchased. Though we had this issue that took a toll on our finances, we have very much enjoyed driving it. Who would have though it would be so fun to be able to ride together comfortably and have space for more people or things.
Charlotte grew from a 4lb 4oz premie into a crawling baby and now into a walking toddler. She has been developing so well in everything from speech to motor skills. She definitely has her finger pincher skilled mastered for picking up peas. Her repetitious use of the word “mama” and her desire to investigate everything has shown me that she will grow to become an intelligent child of God. I have been blessed and amazed to watch her grow.
Though everything wasn’t perfect, I feel that 2022 was a great year. There was lots of good that happened and we learned more than we thought we would about life. The hardships made the good times sweeter, helping us become more disciplined along the way. I think 2023 has a lot in store for us and I am excited for what lies ahead.
It’s been a while since I spent time writing. Major events and important milestones are kept in my bullet journal but writing in length about my thoughts on those events is something else entirely. I feel as though this year changed every part of my life. I received new titles, started a new job, moved states. I experienced many highs and lows over the year. Some days I was so tired, I barely made it through the door before falling asleep. Some days I never wanted to end even as the clock continued to tick towards midnight. We didn’t send a Christmas card this year, so we thought a post on our year would have to suffice.
January 1st was spent on postpartum after the early delivery of our daughter on 12/31/21. Charlotte came into the world at 4lbs 7 oz. She was a fighter. Even though she was 5 weeks early she was strong. Her blood sugar never dropped. Her temperature was well controlled. She drank well from a bottle. She was as feisty and stubborn as her namesake. If I am honest, I started the year in a very confusing position. I was overjoyed that my daughter was with me, but I was sick and felt defeated. Mentally and emotionally, I felt low. This tiny, too tiny, child was relying on me, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be okay again. My pregnancy had been wonderful, but my labor and delivery were nothing how I imagined it would be. In many ways, I felt as though my body failed me and I wasn’t sure how to move forward. Thankfully, the clock keeps ticking. My tiny child healed my heart and my body slowly healed. Those first weeks went by quickly, and I’m sure there are many women like me who feel like that time lives behind a veil. Everything seems slightly fuzzy. I’m thankful for the pictures I took to remember those days, even the hard days are worth remembering. January came and went. I’m thankful to my mom and mother-in-law who spent weeks with me, helping me learn to take care of my daughter and giving me time to heal, grieve, and move forward.
February: Adjusting a family continued as Charlotte started to grow. We celebrated 11 years together on the 12th of February. I am amazed as how far we have come and all the things we’ve done in 11 years. The things we talked about at 15 years old were coming true. All our hard work was paying off.
March: The first half of March we waited (im)patiently for Match Day to come. I am a firm believer that God always has a plan for us even if we don’t see it. Sometimes we believe our lives are going down one path and he will send us through a different door. March 18th, we sat in a large conference room counting down to noon. I had made my list over a month prior. I was sure I knew where we were going. God had other plans. BETTER PLANS! I opened that envelope to see I had matched at St. Joseph Regional Medical Center in Mishawaka, IN. We were going home. I expected bigger emotions that day. I heard others shouting with joy, happy tears going down their faces. I felt relief that this whole thing was over. I was happy, but I was ready to put the circus of residency match behind me. I wanted certainty of my next steps. I wanted to know we had a plan and a home. Finding our next city was step 1.
April: Beginning of April brought the end of medical school. Jacob took me out for an ice cream date to celebrate.
May: I celebrated my first Mother’s Day and 26th birthday the first week in May. We spent time with our families and continued watching Charlotte grow and learn. Packing was in full swing. We were able to find a home to rent in Mishawaka. We would be able to move in on July 1st. Until then we would live with my parents in South Bend. There are days I miss our home in Toledo. We had so many memories there including bringing Charlotte home. We did many renovations to make that home ours. It was difficult to know I was leaving a home that felt like mine to live in a house that would never quite feel right. However, being near our families is far more valuable. On May 20th our families gathered as I walked across the stage to be hooded. This was my third favorite title I received with “wife” and “mama” coming in first and second. It was so nice to look up in the crowd and see my husband, daughter, and both sets of parents waving at me. I am proud of myself for accomplishing this goal! It definitely wasn’t easy but will definitely be worth it. May 28th was our last day in Toledo. Our families helped us pack up our home and move us back to Indiana and to my parents’ home in South Bend. Our belongings were moved into storage and our suitcases came with us. This wasn’t the first time we lived with a set of parents during our transitions. I’m thankful for such good relationships that allow us to live as a multigenerational household, even for a short while.
June: Jacob and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. We spent as much time together as a family during this month before I started working on July 1st. We took a short trip to St. Joseph, Michigan and enjoyed time outside and wandering around the town. Orientation began in the middle of the month. The first time I met my fellow interns, I knew I was in the right place. These were my kind of people!
July: I was on call July 1st. What a strange feeling that was. I started the year on inpatient medicine. While I was on call, Jacob and his family moved us into our house in Mishawaka. I felt like I had dived headfirst into the deep end, and in all reality, I think I did. It was a strange thing to announce myself as Dr. Brown when I walked into a room. Even now, hearing someone call me “Dr. Brown” has my inner child giggling. Thankfully, most people still call me Aleena (or Mama).
I think the clock sped up because August, September, and October came and went. Work continued as I learned how to navigate the hospital, the EMR (electronic medical record), and learn from those around me. Charlotte grew and grew and suddenly my tiny, tiny baby was crawling, laughing, and evening whistling. She was eating real food and dancing to music. Some days I had more time with my family than others. We had family dinners when we could, date nights when we could, and little adventures here and there. Jacob and I had some big conversations about our future. For most of 2022, Jacob and I thought Charlotte may be our only child. We walked out of that hospital on January 2nd with our daughter, but both of us had to heal from our experience. We spent a few weekends sitting on his parents’ back porch talking about our family and our goals and visions for the future. One Sunday in September, we were walking out of church. Charlotte was on Jacob’s shoulders, and I had this longing feeling in my chest that someone was missing and should be holding my hand as we walked out. I knew then we were meant to have another child. My hope and prayer is this next year will bring us the joy of having another child. For those who may have been like us, it is okay to change your mind about children. Whether you thought you were only meant to have one or thought you wanted more. It’s okay to change your mind and make the best decision for the family that you have. Children are truly a blessing, but they are HARD work. My feisty 35-weeker turned into a feisty 1 year old. She has taught me so many things about being a mom and about life in general, but raising a human being is tough, especially with no manual. But as the clock keeps ticking, I find myself wishing for just one more minute of newborn snuggles, of nursing, of crawling, of nighttime rocking, of afternoon naps. I look forward to the day she comes running into my arms after work and tells me about her days, afternoons spent doing arts and crafts, family ice cream nights, movies and snuggling. One of my favorite book quotes says, “don’t let the hard days win” and I do my best to remember that on my on-call days, night floats, and tough times with family. By the end of October, I found myself with a 10-month-old and finishing 4 months of residency. I had done all the core rotations and felt much more comfortable at work.
November and December brought us the holiday season. I enjoyed decorating our home and convinced Jacob to put lights on the exterior of the house. Charlotte even had her own little Christmas tree. She is obviously too young to understand Christmas but knowing this was her first, and maybe only one as our only child, I wanted to make it special. She spent time with Grandma Sharon making Christmas cookies for my work and for our families. We spent time in the snow and cuddled up at night. She had many Christmases, one with just us, one with my family and one with Jacob’s. As the only granddaughter on both sides, she was definitely spoiled. The love our families have for Charlotte is unmeasurable. I’ve enjoyed watching her build relationships with her family all year. I was able to take time off between Christmas and New Year’s. I’m extremely thankful for a program that prioritizes their residents and families. They do their best to allow us to spend important dates with our families, just another reason why I am glad God’s plans are bigger than mine. Charlotte turns 1 on 12/31. We will be celebrating with both sides of the family. There will be balloons, cake, cupcakes, and so much yummy food. The days were long, but this year flew by. I don’t know how my preemie turned into this amazing 1 year old, but I am beyond excited to see what this next year has in store for Charlotte. There may be more changes for us this next year as a family but having some constant in this world is needed. Walking into 2023 I feel like a completely different version of myself in a lot of good ways. There has been growth and healing this year that was needed in order to move forward.
Looking Ahead: I’ve already thought of some goals for myself in 2023:
Read 12 books (or more)
Write 1 blog post per month (or more)
Spend 10 minutes journaling per day in both my Bullet Journal and “Better Every Day” Journal
1 Date night per week with Jacob
1 Family Activity per week with Jacob and Charlotte
2 Weekend trips this year
Spend a couple days a month taking photos for our families and others
I want to spend more time documenting and enjoying the phase of life I am in presently. Residency and parenting are both hard yet rewarding. I want to remember these months, especially if we hope to add another member to our family this year. This year I’m choosing to enjoy the ordinary aspects of life and finding peace amongst the chaos and tiredness.
If you’ve somehow read until the end of my monologue, I hope your 2022 was filled with moments of joy and that the times of sorrow were few. I pray 2023 is full of answered prayers and new experiences for you. And if you ever want coffee, I am always excited to sit with a friend over an iced latte.
Compromising in a relationship is especially important and difficult. We can’t properly live getting everything we want at the expense of our significant other. Both parties in a relationship have ideas, aspirations and goals that they’d like to achieve. If we are taking everything from them and not giving in return, I don’t think we can truly have a strong relationship.
I think one of the hardest things for us in life is feeling that we are losing. I played sports through college and know that it’s hard to have the feeling of losing. The idea of giving up something I really want for something less desirable is very unappealing. I think it helps to look at it from the perspective of instead of “losing” something, I am trading it for something else. Let’s take a look at the definition of compromise as it will help us to fully understand why it is difficult.
Compromise:
a: settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions
b: something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things
merriam-webster.com
I bolded the word concessions because it is important to understand the idea of a compromise. In order to compromise, we must be willing to concede on some of our wants or ideas. Compromise means that we give up something, in order to find middle ground so both parties can be happy with the outcome – it is important to note the outcome CAN’T be what either party originally wanted. Both parties must trade something they want for something their significant other wants.
Concessions: a: the act or an instance of conceding (as by granting something as a right, accepting something as true, or acknowledging defeat)
b: the admitting of a point claimed in argument
merriam-webster.com
In our society, we have created the idea that if we give up anything (such as a want) or concede on an idea, that we have now lost. I don’t think that this concept applies to marriage, but it does in other aspects of life. By giving up something we wanted for something our spouse wants, we do not lose. We are not LOSING anything at all, but trading it. When I compromise in a relationship I am TRADING something that would ONLY make ME happy, for something that will make our significant other happy (and me). I don’t think that it should be viewed as losing, but as giving or trading to share happiness.
Example: Husband: I want to buy a brand new truck because it won’t have mechanical problems. I am not worried about the cost, but I want all the amenities. I intend on spending $50,000 to get a fully loaded vehicle. Wife: I want my husband to be safe in a new vehicle and don’t care for all the amenities. I don’t want to spend $50,000 – I want to spend $35,000 so we still have money for Christmas and vacation.
How could a compromise work in this situation?
Compromise: They buy a lightly used truck (25,000 miles) that has all the amenities for $37,500. This compromise makes it so the husband is in something reliable and they still maintain having money for Christmas and vacation. Both parties got something they wanted – husband in a new vehicle – and both conceded on an item – brand new and price – to make it work.
So why compromise?
I think that it’s healthy for humans to be uncomfortable and not always get what they want. When we are uncomfortable we learn things that we wouldn’t otherwise. When we don’t get what we want, we may learn that we don’t really need it anyway. I feel that this happens to me quite often.
Compromising is a way that we can show our spouse we love them. It’s like saying, “I know you really want this, so I will give up something I have to make it possible for you.” We are a team working toward a common goal, so why not work to boost each other? On the flip side, I think relationships that don’t consist of compromises are unhealthy. It seems to me, most relationships without compromises are fairly selfish. What’s the point of being married if we aren’t going to work together? Single people don’t have to make compromises with anyone.
Compromising is a way that we checkup on ourselves. I like to think about what I am willing to trade when my wife and I compromise. There are times when I feel attached to something that I shouldn’t be, but am. Is a new toy worth having my spouse upset with me? Is going out with my friends instead of spending time with my wife worth fighting over? I think there are times when we should think, “Can I give this up (is it that important to me)?”
Compromising is not easy but is necessary for a relationship to thrive. Compromising is how we work on our skills of coming to agreements with our spouse. Mixing the ideas of each person is important in creating a diverse home as well. If I got everything I wanted at the expense of my wife, our home would look much different. It is crucial that we are willing to give up our wants to build our relationship.
It’s been 5 years without you and so much has happened. Every year I write you a letter keeping you updated. Each year it gets a little easier. I guess that’s the funny thing about grief, it’s always there just easier to deal with. Anyway, this year has been exciting. I’ve written you more letters this year than any of the other years because one just isn’t enough.
School: I am in my last year of medical school. The time has flown by, but I am anxious for it to end. It’s been a long road and I’m ready for the next adventure to begin. I decided to pursue family medicine this year and am excited to start residency this summer. I am in the middle of interviewing for residency. So far, I have had 5 interviews and each program has been very welcoming and kind. It will be a difficult decision to make my rank list. Fourth year has been going well! I have been able to do some interesting rotations and gain some insight into some specialties that I will consult in the future. I think these rotations have been a valuable experience and I will be able to take bits and pieces with me as I move forward. My schedule this year was adjusted so I could take leave this spring to take care of Charlotte. I will finish my last day of clinical rotations on January 28th (your birthday). It’s very exciting to think I only have 3 months left. I will admit, it is getting harder to keep my energy up with so much going on right now. Some days are definitely harder than others. I’m thankful for Jacob, Mom, Dad, Christi, and Brian for being such a great support system and checking in on me frequently. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without them.
Jacob and I: This year Jacob and I celebrated 10 years together and 5 years married! It’s amazing to think all that’s happened in those 10 years together and now we are expecting our little girl! Jacob is still working hard both at work and at home. He is still working at Product Movers keeping the shop running. At home, he recently finished remodeling our basement and is now working on the bathroom upstairs. This little home will be brand new just in time for us to move. He has done such a great job in all areas of his life. You would be so proud of him! I know I am. When we found out we were expecting, he was so excited and a little shocked. When we learned we were having a girl, I think he was smiling more than the day he asked me to marry him. He was the first one to call her by her name. We knew who she was as soon as we saw that pink paper. He has been so supportive during the pregnancy and has helped pick up the slack when I was struggling. He deserves a vacation or maybe a hunting trip. Maybe one of these days I’ll be able to surprise him with something like that. We are doing good though. I think you always knew we would be good. You loved him like he was one of your own from the day I brought him to meet you.
Charlotte: I don’t think I could explain to you the amount of joy and excitement I felt when I found out I was pregnant. That joy and excitement was only magnified when I found out we were expecting a girl. We always knew our first girl would be named Charlotte Esther. We both agreed years ago about that. There were lots of tears shed when the positive test showed up and when I saw that pink paper. I couldn’t wait to tell our family! And they were overjoyed. The first granddaughter for the Browns and the first grandchild for mom and dad! Today I am 26 weeks and 3 days. The pregnancy is flying by. I only have a week and a half left in the second trimester. I don’t want to wish away my pregnancy, but I can’t wait for her to be here. At the beginning of the pregnancy, I had very vivid dreams… and you were there. The first dream I told you I was pregnant. I woke up in tears because I had never seen you in my dreams before, and it was so life-like it was hard to face the reality that I wouldn’t be able to tell you in person. A part of me is thankful that we have the ability to dream, because it gave me the chance to tell you I was pregnant. The second dream was before I knew it was a girl. I ran up to you and gave you a big hug and said “it’s a girl, we are having a girl! And her name is Charlotte Esther!” You gave me a big hug and that was the end. I found out a week later that it really was a girl, and I was thankful again for the opportunity to tell you about it. Charlotte is doing great! Her heart rate is consistently in the perfect range, and she is measuring exactly on track for her due date. She loves to move, kick, dance, and wiggle around. It makes Jacob and I both laugh, although we’ve had to talk with her recently that she needs to let me sleep at night. Even though she hates the seat belt in the car and isn’t a huge fan of me sitting up straight, I feel relief every time she kicks. She seems to love music. I’ve found it will calm her down when she gets annoyed. I’m sure that sounds funny since she’s still in utero, but we think she will have quite a big personality! Our baby shower is coming up. I heard most of the family will be there which is really exciting. I’m thankful to have such wonderful families on both sides who are supportive and excited for another baby to join the family. I hope as she grows there’s a little bit of you in there. I hope she loves baking Christmas cookies and listening to music all day. I hope she loves to be outside and go on adventures. I hope she loves animals and the people she meets. We can’t wait to meet her and get to learn about her each day. It will be an amazing job, and privilege, to be her mom.
Looking Forward: We will be incredibly busy this spring. Charlotte will be here before we know it. Match day is March 18th. We will be in the process of moving and finding a new home for our little family. We are hoping to move back to Indiana, but we will see what ends up happening! I will graduate medical school May 20th and will start residency at the beginning of July. It is such an exciting time for our family with lots of changes. Even in those last few days we talked about all these things happening. You knew I would become a doctor and a mother. You were even working on some toddler dresses for my little girl (They were given to me after you passed away). You knew all along how everything would unfold. And every year on October 30, I write you a letter updating you on all the things that have happened, but I assume you already know.
I have discovered that it is harder to help my wife make decisions in medical school than initially anticipated. There are lots of big decisions that have to be made, now that school is coming to an end. We are looking at residency programs that would be a good fit for us on the next step of the journey to become a physician.
The programs are much more than just school. There is a chance we will be moving depending on the outcome from the Match. So not only does residency affect her, but it will also affect me and our baby that is on the way. If we move, I will end up changing jobs and we will live in a new area. Considering the factors that will directly affect me, how do I help her to make the BEST decision for her while considering myself and our baby?
I want to begin with two common “NO NOs” when it comes to supporting our spouses and SOs. They are more common than you would think and cause lots of friction and falling out of relationships.
You can make the decision, it’s YOUR life.
This is a phrase that I would avoid. I know people say this to their spouse or significant other during this time, but it puts unnecessary pressure on the Medical Student and removes the other party from the situation. The med student cares about the spouse or SOs opinion and refusing to talk through ideas and give advise is lazy and not encouraging.
My wife cares what I feel is the best decision. I tend to rationalize thoughts and find ways to quantify decisions I make when it comes to this type of stuff. It isn’t an easy decision. The med student is trying to make a decision that will affect them now (the next 3-5 years) and ultimately forever as they are choosing their specialty. Finding a way for me to have input isn’t easy either. It would definitely be easier if I just told my wife, “ you pick what’s good for you, I don’t have a preference,” but it doesn’t help. She cares about me, and I her, so I should try to help because she wants what’s best for US, not just herself.
An Unruly Ultimatum
Ultimatums are not good ways of showing you are dedicated. Offering support only if your spouse or SO give in to what we want is a good way to cause friction. If we are in a relationship with our SO that operates off ultimatums, is it worth taking to residency?
Now for some positive points!
Don’t worry about me.
I have a hard time explaining this to my wife, but it’s true. No matter where we go or what we do she shouldn’t worry about me. I have been able to find happiness in our relationship being in Kendallville, IN and Warsaw, IN and Toledo, OH. Why does location matter? I will find some sort of job to help us and we will find a home. I truly feel that as long as we are together I will find happiness. I’m pretty tough and haven’t let anything get to me too bad so far on this journey. We work to keep our marriage strong and I don’t think being in our current location or a new one will change that.
Don’t let my WANTS put you in a spot that doesn’tgive you what you NEED.
I joke with my wife that she should have applied for programs in Texas so I could hunt for pigs. It would be really fun and give opportunities for new adventures, but is it what we need? We have realized that being close to family is more important than fun adventures at this time in our lives. There will be time for all the fun adventures, but moving 1,000 miles away so I can hunt pigs during residency isn’t our best decision. It would definitely be fun, but not what is best for our family.
McDonalds is always hiring.
Not only is McDonalds always hiring, so are other fast food chains and businesses. I will find a job anywhere we are because it is what our family needs. I am here to support her and provide what we need to get through school.
Ideally I would find a job in the engineering or manufacturing field, but it may not happen for a while. At least temporarily, I can provide for us in any way needed to have an influx of cash. Residency also pays the doctors, so maybe I will just become that trophy husband early and finally get the abs I’ve always wanted.
We are worth considering, but you are our #1.
Making the residency decision based on our family is important. Very important. We are along for the ride until you finish medical school and we appreciate being considered. That being said, the residency program choices are for the doctor. The doctor is the one attending and will be having the most experiences. We (Charlotte and I) will find ways to make life work. We can change lots but the doctor can change little.
Is it possible?
Yes! I would say the biggest key to not feeling as if I am influencing too much is to talk and communicate. There have been a lot of things discussed that I wanted that she also wanted. If we don’t communicate I would feel as if I want something that she doesn’t. We are a team and are working toward a goal together. Being open to discuss possible changes, wants and needs is a good start.
A final key would be to NOT make demands that are impossible or selfish. It’s okay to state that we don’t want to live somewhere that could be hazardous. Demanding something like, “I am not going with you to residency unless we live in a 10,000 square foot mansion with gold inlaid marble floors is unreasonable.” Well, it is for me but maybe not someone reading this. Is your particular demand truly needed?
For Aleena – We have your back as we are in this together to support you. We want you to become the best doctor possible and will have fun along the way! You got this!
For whatever reason, one of my least favorite sayings when it comes to marriage is “yes dear.” It’s popular that husbands give this as advice for newlyweds on how to have a good marriage. I don’t disagree that there are times to just go with the flow and agree with my wife. There are plenty of times that I go with the flow and agree with her. I disagree that the #1 most important thing a husband can do in marriage is go with the flow. There is more to having a good marriage (happy and prosperous) than just saying “yes dear.”
Perhaps there is an association between “yes dear” and “happy wife, happy life.” Having a happy wife is extremely important in marriage. One of our duties as husbands is to help our wives. It is important to help our wives achieve their goals and get where they want to be in life. One key point that I think is forgotten when stating “happy wife, happy life” is our own happiness as husbands. There are times where what we need to do for the benefit of our marriage isn’t fun, but we should strive not to sacrifice our happiness for the sake of our spouse’s. We are a team working together for a common goal, and if one of us benefits at the demise of the other, I think we are losing. On the other side of the equation, the goal of the wife should not be to demand work and things from the husband at his expense.
As an example of this, if we spend all of our money (our collective income) and time doing things to please our wives it can have a negative effect on our relationship. The way that it can have a negative effect is IF our wives don’t show gratitude or appreciation for our efforts. I enjoy doing things for my wife that make her happy, but there is a limit to where it can become work. I don’t work for my wife but do things I want to do so that she can achieve her goals. We are joined in marriage to be a team, not a master and servant. I enjoy doing things for her to make her happy.
Giving = Happiness
From my perspective, marriage is a balance. There is give and take, but if there is not give from both sides, the balance becomes shaky. I’m not saying that there is equal give and take because that’s not true. I believe that in a marriage we give without keeping score because we will never be even. Just to reiterate that idea, we will NEVER be even. If we keep score, we will more than likely be upset with how much our spouse contributes. It appears to be better to strive for goals together without keeping score because in the end we are in this together.
We can see this same concept when looking at all concepts of our relationship. If we focus on what we are owed, we will never be satisfied. The reason that we jump into marriage is not because there is something in it for us, but what we can accomplish together. There are advantages to being married that can primarily relate to one of us, but they are not the main focus.
“Yes Dear”
I find it more useful at times to instead of say “yes dear”, to say “why dear.” Instead of just getting to know what my wife wants or needs, I can further learn about her. Maybe she wants a cookie or to go out with her friends. If I just said “yes dear” I could be missing out on conversation or a moment to deepen my relationship with my wife. I like to use the times where we want or need something from our spouse as a time to grow our relationship, instead of just being a complying husband. I am a complying husband (at least I try to be) most of time, but I enjoy knowing why my wife may want certain things.
I don’t ask “why” because I don’t trust my wife. I ask because there’s a reason why we ask each other questions or have requests. I ask my wife all the time if I can buy things for hunting and fishing expecting her to ask why I need to buy it. She knows more about why I own things than other people because we ask questions. If I were to tell her, “Hey, I’m going to buy these fishing rods” I would expect her to ask why I need them. The amount of money that will go into that venture could or will change our finances. Our finances affect both of us, so she has the right to know.
So go out there and ask your spouse questions. Find out why, where, and when. Ask them what their aspirations are in life and what they dream of doing. Deepen your relationship and work together to help each other achieve their goals. Don’t let the conversation end with “yes dear.”
It was back in August of 2010 that I met my wife. At the time, I made the effort to offer my assistance on her schoolwork and homework though it wasn’t needed. I had lower grades than her (and she is smarter than me) so she didn’t really need my help. I like to think that my incessant and possibly annoying persistence was the key to winning her over.
We didn’t officially start dating until I turned 16, but we decided that we were going to date at that time on February 12, 2011. Dating at age 16 was a rule set by my parents and I think I will continue this for my children. What’s the point of dating if the child can’t drive themselves anyway?
My wife has been an amazing addition into my life. She contributes so much to help us prepare for the future. This includes how we spend money and life choices she makes with school. I definitely don’t know where I would be in life without her.
Following are some things I have learned after dating and being married to her. They are not in a particular order, but all are important. It would be interesting to see what others have learned during their marriage or dating life if it has been as long.
What have I learned inthe past 10 years?
Be Patient. This is something that most relationships have realized. There are a lot of times where we are waiting on each other patiently, our relationship could be difficult. Being patient also includes life goals that have been set together. In my case, after I knew that I wanted to marry my wife, I had to wait longer than anticipated to get married. Having to wait doesn’t mean that it is a time to bail, but learn. Learning to be patient is hard and a relationship with our significant other or spouse can help us learn first hand.
Do what she enjoys. I learned long ago that my wife had different interests than me. She enjoys reading books about 10,000 times more than me. I can’t remember the last book I read, but I know for a fact that it was not for pleasure! I just don’t enjoy sitting down and reading books, but she does. I have made the effort over the years to sit with her and accompany her while she reads through adventures. She will curl up next to me on the couch and read for hours while I browse on my phone or watching tv. She enjoys my company and I enjoy making her happy.
Date your wife. This is something I have heard quite a bit from older generations. I have found it useful in keeping our relationship feeling young. I know that being married nearly 5 years isn’t long, but plenty of marriages don’t make it this far. Dating your wife (going out together) gives the feeling that you are continuing to pursue her and makes her feel wanted.
Do your hobbies. It is fun to have another person around, but it is important to continue what you want to do. You need to be yourself while being in a relationship. I have found that my spouse enhances and adds to the joy of my life. It is important for me to continue my hobbies and what made me happy before getting married. Not all hobbies qualify, but the hobbies that are important that fit into my relationship with my wife.
Listen to what she thinks about. Sometimes it can feel like I can’t relate to the topics that my wife wants to talk about, but it is important that I listen. Not only does it make her happy to talk to somebody, but I feel that I learn about her while she speaks her mind. This is an opportunity for me to learn what she thinks about and what is important to her. I am always learning and hope that this will continue as we grow old together.
Give her what she needs. This might be one of the hardest tasks because it takes time to decipher between NEEDS and WANTS. I know that some of you may be thinking “if she says she needs it then she needs it,” but I have found that she needs the unspoken items more than those she vocalizes.
Ask what she wants to do. It is important for my wife to feel wanted and needed in our life together. It is crucial for me to ask what she wants to do even when we end up participating in a different activity. This can be asking what she wants for dinner or how she would like to spend the weekend. I find that if we don’t ask then try activities that each of us are interested in, it can be hard to learn about each other. There are things that she may want to try that I haven’t ever considered and may enjoy. Our goal of being married is to work together and it would be difficult with only one mind dishing out ideas.
Make her feel important because she is. Learning the love language of your spouse is key to productive communication. My wife’s love language is “Words of Affirmation” which means that how I speak to her goes a long way. My words carry a lot of weight both positive and negative. I make the effort to tell her that I love her and that she looks beautiful on a regular basis. I also try to weigh in on decisions when she asks me about life choices or clothes. She enjoys when I pick out her clothes because she wants to be dressed in something I like, and know that I like what she’s wearing.
Work together to achieve your goals. I am a firm believer that we were put on Earth to work together to glorify the kingdom of God. This is not an easy or simple task. We (as husbands) are made to build up our wives and our wives are made to support us. It is hard to work together all the time because we have different ideas. I have found it most productive to talk through our own life goals and work with each other to achieve them. We should not be giving up our happiness in order to give happiness to our spouse. We are in each other’s lives to enhance, not detract.
Lead. Leading in our relationship is my job and it has benefits for my wife. Leading doesn’t mean that I make all of the decisions (though that seems to be how it is interpreted). I work to lead our relationship and help my wife to achieve her goals. She is currently in medical school which involves a lot of her time devoted to studying and learning. I have taken it upon myself to earn money so that she can get through school. Leading is difficult as it also makes me responsible for failures. I feel that this takes some weight off of my wife and helps her in school and life.
The Future
Every relationship is different. I’m sure that you (the reader) have found similarities and differences between your relationship and mine. Marriage has brought together two different people to work together in a new way. I have given up some things, she has given up some things, and together we have made a life that is ours. It really doesn’t feel like 10 years together! At almost 5 years married, I think we are off to a good start at getting to know each other.
Our love language is how we express and experience love. There are 5 love languages (check out the book by Gary Chapman). Everyone receives and expresses love differently. How we choose and are made to communicate with others makes us unique. Everyone doesn’t show affection the same and it is important to understand others, as well as ourselves. Having a better understanding will make it easier to communicate with others. Knowing how those close to you experience love can also help build and nurture a relationship.
In my relationship with my wife, I tend to be the less exciting member (from my perspective). I think that my wife gives an outward appearance of having more energy and excitement than I do. I have found this to cause a learning opportunity for myself. She enjoys celebrating and dancing, while I tend to just relax and perform tasks quietly. As I said above, I am pretty sure that I am the boring one.
The Evaluation
From the mind of Gary Chapman, we have 5 love languages. All of them fit somewhere in our lives and some of them are more important to us than others. On his site, there is a quiz to help you understand the values that we have on our love languages and how we display them.
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Gifts
Touch
If you have not seen this before, I urge you to look into his book and read up on them. Learning more about yourself gives you a better understanding in relationship communication. I have found that learning more about myself helps me to apply myself more productively in my relationships. It’s not an easy task, but you will learn more as you take the quiz and look into yourself.
I am the type of person that feels appreciation through Gifts. If I do work for somebody or have an accomplishment, I tend to feel more appreciation from others with a gift than any of the other categories. This doesn’t mean that I feel nothing from the others, but they tend not to be as impactful.
My wife is the type of person that feels the most appreciation and love through Words of Affirmation. She enjoys Acts of Service quite a bit, but giving her encouraging words or telling her than I am proud of her is more impactful. Cleaning our house or doing laundry tends to be my choice for performing Acts of Service. Something important to consider when looking at your Love Language is we tend to convey outward what we want to receive. As an example, I tend to feel like I am showing the most appreciation and love toward others when I give gifts. My wife tends to give me Words of Affirmation when she thinks I am doing a good job.
The Challenge
Since my wife’s primary love language is Words and Affirmation, it can be hard for me to convey to her what she needs in our relationship. Words of Affirmation is at the bottom of my list, so I have to work at it in our relationship. It’s not easy to convey love in a way that our mind thinks is not as important or impactful to ourselves. I have found this to be the hardest part of communicating love and appreciation to my wife.
I urge you to follow the link above and take the quiz. If nothing else, it will spark a good conversation between you and your significant other. Maybe you will learn something that will help you to communicate and build a better relationship.
I am surely not alone when I say that when I was young I was more interested in the cash than the card. Most of the birthday cards I received were quickly discarded after seeing who it was from for the $10 tucked within the folded paper. My mom would (and still does) ask who the card was from to encourage us to read what it says and worry about the money or other gift secondly.
I find that this was a productive practice. We (my siblings) were taught to focus on the more meaningful part of a gift instead of the materialistic portion. I have found that this influenced me in a positive direction when I was younger and today. A handwritten card is more than just a piece of paper. It is a statement from the writer to the recipient that gives light into their lives and reveals a little bit of themself. I have found that heartfelt notes have much more impact than pre-made cards that can be found at the store.
The Mindset
Yesterday I was looking at some of the wedding invitations hanging on my fridge and had a realization. When I was young, about 10 years old, I didn’t care much for the content of the card and was more fixated on the gift that came with it. The card seemed to be just words, and holding onto the card for remembrance of an event seemed silly. I usually took any money and bought things like toys, candy, or pop. The card was just a vessel to carry the money and after it was empty it was tossed out.
I have come to the conclusion that I have either been programmed by my parents to enjoy cards or I have grown to enjoy getting a cards now at 25. The most recent cards that hit home are “Thank You” cards from weddings. Giving gifts to newlyweds is standard procedure, along with sending out “Thank You” cards. Though that is the case, I find myself having a deeper appreciation for the thought from the sender.
When my wife and I were wed back in 2016, we sent out thank you cards to those who attended or gave us gifts. For those who have done this, it can feel like a drag but is necessary to complete. We took the time to write each card by hand and sign them so that they were more heartfelt than a standard pre-made card. This is the style of “Thank You” that I received recently from our recently hitched friends.
As I have gotten older I have grown to appreciate “thank you” a lot more. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but it seems to be more important to me now than when I was younger. I work hard at my job, my marriage and friendships, and I greatly appreciate when others feel that they should retaliate with kindness. It isn’t easy trying to fit everything into our lives that we would like to accomplish. Having those around us feel that they need to tell us that they are thankful is powerful.
In Reality
Though I am not able to write notes to everyone who helps me, I appreciate everything they do. I am thankful for the times that we have fallen or seem to be on our way down and people jump in to help us without being asked. I am thankful for friends that want to spend time with me and my wife. It would be a little bit silly to write a “thank you” card to everyone in my life that makes me feel grateful, but they deserve it.
I think it is important for us to tell others that we appreciate them. In today’s society there are a lot of ways that we can send a message to people to give them information. We can send others a message on social media, text, email or call them. I don’t think that anything can replace the sincerity of a hand written note. So when someone writes one for you, don’t take it for granted. It’s more than just paper with ink.
We met Michael and Allie Wenig shortly after moving to Ohio for medical school. They are 2 years ahead of my wife, which makes it possible for them to offer viable information about the future during medical school. I know that we and others have found them helpful when times are stressful and seem to be unknown. Michael is in a similar situation to me, as a husband to a medical student.
Michael works for Cru, a Christian organization, where he disciples and mentors college age students. Michael worked to provide financially while Allie was in Medical School. Most of his work involves traveling to schools, but he doesn’t let that stop him from getting his work done at home. Due to Allie’s busy schedule, Michael does most of the house work. I find myself in a similar situation trying to clean and upkeep the house as best I can.
Michael and Allie have been married since 2016, experiencing and enjoying life together. They met each other in 2012 during their freshman year of undergrad. They started dating in 2014. A while back they made a furry addition to their household with a dog named Beesly. They have had a lot of adventures and experiences together through the years and have learned from them. They offer a plethora of knowledge to those around them, and I hope you find how they handle their lives useful for yourself.
Daily Schedule
Allie is now a resident in Columbus, OH where she is working to become a Pediatrician. Being a resident requires a different work schedule than as a medical student. Michael has a highly flexible work schedule that allows him to spend time with Allie when she is available. Though she doesn’t have a lot of free time, they make the goal of having a date night each week. This helps them to have quality time when they endure long stretches without really getting to see each other. They try their best to prioritize each other before work. A good practice for them is setting a priority and target at the beginning of each week, then aiming to reach that goal. They may not have a date each week (if scheduling doesn’t permit) but they do their best to make it a consistent habit. Michael feels that medical professionals are super type A, meaning that they tend to fill each and every moment of free time if left unchecked. Taking time to sit down and talk helps them to look back at what they value first and keep their priorities in order.
Marriage
Friends/community
Work
Everything else
Michael has found the schedule changes to be beneficial over the years. Though the daily schedule doesn’t seem to be very consistent, it has allowed them to work together. With weekly and monthly changes, they have found themselves with an opportunity to progress their ability to communicate and work together. Communication is key for them in their relationship due to their nature of medical school and now residency.
With a schedule that doesn’t allow Allie to contribute maybe as much as she wants, Michael has picked up a lot of the daily and weekly tasks. Michael does about 80% of the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. I am in a similar situation, and we can agree that we don’t dread it. Michael and I both have the view on our efforts as helping our wives achieve their goals. I know that my wife is busy and I want her to do well in school. This tends to mean that we (as husbands) are challenged to pick up more work so that she has more time to study when she is home.
Stressors
Michael is very familiar with stressors for Allie. The biggest stressor that he has noticed is when she compares herself to her classmates. The stress comes from a comparison between how much she studies and how much they study in correlation to their test scores. Trying to achieve some unspecified, nebulous and unreachable level of studying puts a strain on her. It can be hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when they seem to study less and score better than you. I have found this to be very common among the medical students, including my wife. It is difficult to avoid comparing yourself to others when receiving grades on tests, but it is best to avoid this practice.
Michael has developed a plan on how to help Allie relieve stress.
I tend to think if I pick up extra housework and chores it will help Allie feel better if she is stressed. Contrary to that, I’ve learned what’s most helpful is to do or say something that communicates to her I’m thinking about her. That means I either try to surprise her with a gift like flowers, a small treat from the store, or with a fun date. That could also look like taking the time to sit and ask her questions about her day and then offering encouragement, communicating that I see her hard work and I’m proud of her.
Michael Wenig
I have found this to be true in my relationship. Depending on the love language of your significant other or spouse, conveying this way may differ. It appears that Allie’s love language is “Words of Encouragement,” which would be the same as my wife. My wife finds great relief and encouragement when I let her know how well I think she is doing. Don’t get me wrong, our wives enjoy a clean living space, but it is more impactful to let her know how proud I am of her.
Allie’s primary resolution to being stressed is buckling down and working harder. Studying harder and putting in more work can bring a sense of relief for her when she is successful. It is most beneficial for her to step away and have small frequent breaks where she partakes in activities that avoid work. Taking time to play with their dog Beesly on trips that include exercise is also helpful. They both enjoy going to new places getting to spend time together.
Allie is an avid runner and will use exercise as “medicine” to help relieve daily stress and anxiety. Exercise is beneficial for a lot of reasons, but it takes a lot of commitment and effort. It is hard to push yourself to exercise but can be very rewarding. Allie has a lot of motivation and dedication, and it shows in her life daily.
Some hobbies they enjoy together are hosting people in their home and going out with friends. These times tend to be accompanied by good conversation, food and drinks. It doesn’t matter if they stay at home or go out, they enjoy having the fellowship, food, and time together.
The most impactful collective practice for Allie and Michael in reducing stress is having a spiritual discipline of Sabbath. Keeping disciplined to this has helped them in many aspects of their lives and has created a better balance of Work vs. Life. I find this to be one of the best times of the week for us as well. It gives an opportunity to spend time together without commitments and let’s us enjoy being in each other’s company.
Extracurriculars
Allie and Michael love reading, watching sports and hosting others. Hosting others and initiating activities is their favorite thing to do together. They recognize that most of Allie’s peers (and their spouses) are new to this season of life and the city. They may feel lonely, overwhelmed and desire friendship. By inviting them into their home they are able to build relationships with them.
Frequent walks and adventures with their dog Beesly create some exciting times. Beesly keeps them on their toes while they take her out on walks in parks and on trails. All three of them enjoy being out in nature in each other’s company. Beesly is a Viszla, a high energy and athletic dog breed that seems to fit in well to the Wenig’s active lifestyle.
When they are not hanging out with people (or Beesly), they also enjoy trying new drinks and making cocktails. Allie also enjoys baking desserts with Michael. There are a lot of different activities that Michael and Allie enjoy, but most of the joy comes from doing them together.
Satisfaction
Michael can see from Allie that she is 100% satisfied in her work. They try to talk at dinner or whenever they can catch up in the evening on a daily basis. They have worked hard to build a relationship culture in which they openly communicate and ask questions. They find themselves with the ability to talk about their days in marginal times of the morning, over a meal or in the evening.
Michael is a college campus missionary for Cru. He has fairly relaxed hours which allows him to be with Allie most of the time when she is home. That being said, due to working on college campuses, he finds himself busy at times when Allie is home. This kind of situation adds a little bit of stress to Michael’s life. Times were tougher when they were in medical school, but that was mostly due to the fact that they had one income.
Allie expresses interest in Michael’s work. It means a lot to Michael that she asks him about what he is doing. She does her best to stay up to date which conveys a sense of interest from her side. I find this very useful in relationships. Having a partner that shows they are interested in what you do makes a difference in motivation. I find that it affirms our actions while we are trying our best.
Finances
Michael and Allie are satisfied with their income. It can be difficult to budget and live a financially disciplined lifestyle, especially when other students appear to live extravagant lives. Living within your means may not always be the most fun, but it is very rewarding.
During medical school they were able to lively solely from Michael’s income. They had plenty of money to pay bills, go out with friends and take small trips. The main key for them is having discipline and well laid-out budget. Sticking to the budget is the hardest part by far! I have found that it’s pretty easy to make a budget, especially with different apps that available on the market. It is difficult to hold back spending when things arrive that catch our interest.
Relationship
Transitioning into medical school can be difficult. For the Wenig’s, they have had to forgive, offer graciousness, and lots of patience to one another during the transition. They set a definitive list of values and scheduled their time accordingly. Their faith and marriage have been placed at the forefront of their journey.
Allie and Michael have worked as a team through medical school. Allie does not have to go anything alone. Michael has been there to help with meals, work around the home, and help carry the burden when times were hard. He was also there in the times where she needed someone to help her celebrate. Prioritizing their marriage has helped Allie out appropriate boundaries on her time spent studying. Having a spouse pushed Allie to use her time wisely so that she could spend time with Michael and taking breaks.
Michael has not ever felt that being married has hindered them in their lives. Marriage is intended to enrich their lives, and they are experiencing it first hand. Marriage is not intended to be a unity reflecting “roommates”, but is for us to work together.
Michael strives to be the launchpad for Allie’s career. He is currently at a point in life where he works hard to support Allie. The time where he supports her will never end, but may change over time. He makes sure that Allie knows that she has worth and purpose no matter the outcome of her career. Michael strives to ensure that Allie knows that her worth isn’t tied to her job or status of her career. Setting Allie up for success and keeping their priorities in order have been some of the biggest challenges for Michael in their relationship.
Final Thought
The Wenig’s are working together to conquer schooling for Allie. She has a ways to go, but she is well over the hump. I think they are doing a great job keeping their priorities in order.
Marriage is a team effort that requires cooperation and hard work. The only way to succeed is to have the same goals in mind and support each other in their interests. The Wenigs are doing what they can to take interest in each other’s lives and support their decisions. There is something in their relationship we can all note for our own lives.
