Author: Aleena Brown

The “How are You?” Dilemma: Freedom in Honesty

February 10, 2023 / Aleena Brown

I must admit, February of Intern year isn’t the best. The high of being a resident has worn off to the everyday stress and anxiety that comes with the job. I spent January on a block of nights and clinic. At our program, we will do a week of nights (Sunday through Saturday 6pm-6am) followed by a week of clinic (Monday through Friday 8:00-5:00). Transitioning to nights isn’t that hard for me. I’ll take a nap Sunday afternoon, drink my latte (thank you Jacob!), and walk to keep myself awake in the hospital. Switching back to days is a completely different story. Trying to get my internal clock to straighten out seems to take days, but the clock keeps ticking and we keep moving forward.

Living in Northern Indiana brings weird weather, comfort food, and kind people. It is common, and almost law, to say “hello”, “good morning”, or “how are you?” when you walk past someone, honestly anyone. When you give pleasantries out like candy, are they actually said in a sincere and inquisitive manner? After our “hellos” and the inevitable “how are you,” I found myself internally asking “do you really want to know?” And one day, I truly asked.

On my second week of nights solo, I came into our work room like a whirlwind. There wasn’t any specific event that caused my stress and anxiety to be elevated, it just was. My lunch was thrown in the fridge and my computer got up and running. The list of patients was completely new to me and longer than I had anticipated. My fellow intern was working in the emergency room and came in to finish her notes. The conversation started like normal: “Hey Aleena”… “Hi”… “How are you?” I looked up from the computer and studied her for one second, and then two. My mind felt like a dumpster fire. On one hand, I could make this conversation stop quickly. I could say “doing all right” or “okay” and it would be over. Or I could be honest. Wasn’t that a scary thought? I knew I wasn’t “all right”, I wasn’t “okay”. I knew this intern was a safe person. I wouldn’t be ridiculed, I wouldn’t be dismissed. How lucky was I to have a friend and coworker that I knew would pause with me. So, I said… “honestly?” Her retort was quick and so much like her I wanted to laugh. “Obviously,” she chuckled. “I’m surviving.” Pause. She turned to look at me then too. She knew, she understood. Even if we didn’t talk about it, if we weren’t honest, interns all knew that feeling of surviving. I’m sure it continues through residency, but getting through this day, this week was all I could focus on. “Yeah,” she said. Her voice was softer and held a hint of sadness too. Our conversation wasn’t long. The job needed to get done, but in that moment I offered myself the freedom to be honest in the “how are you?” dilemma. I cried later that shift, around 3am, when putting my emotions aside no longer became an option and it poured out of me in tears. It wasn’t any specific trigger. Instead it was all of the small things I was carrying for too long: not seeing my husband and daughter, not sleeping well, feelings of isolation, my own imposter syndrome and feeling inadequate, feeling lost and a drift, ruminating on my tough cases, the patients I lost, and those I had to tell terrible news. All the small boxes had grown taller than me and too heavy to hold, it was inevitable that I would trip.

I’ve spoken and written many times about my own mental health, the highs and lows. I’ve talked about my struggles and worked to be honest and open about those things in the last few years. I’m here to tell you it’s still hard. It’s hard to be honest, be vulnerable, and open. It’s difficult to let people see all of you, including the dark and twisty parts of you. I hope moving forward I can be honest in those moments, and I hope I’m given the space and grace to allow that.

I want to encourage all those who read this to be intentional with the words you say, even to strangers. Be ready for the response when you ask a question. Allow your fellow humans to be vulnerable and offer a safe space. If time does not allow for a conversation, wish them well as you walk by. You’re allowed to break tradition with the “How are yous”. If the question is thrown your way, at least be honest with yourself. Take a moment out of your morning to assess your own well-being, and if you find yourself just surviving or just holding on, reach out and get help. You deserve more out of like than just surviving.

My days, and nights, are busier than they used to be, but I am always ready to talk with friends over coffee.

2022 – A Year of Changes

December 30, 2022 / Aleena Brown

From Aleena:

It’s been a while since I spent time writing. Major events and important milestones are kept in my bullet journal but writing in length about my thoughts on those events is something else entirely. I feel as though this year changed every part of my life. I received new titles, started a new job, moved states. I experienced many highs and lows over the year. Some days I was so tired, I barely made it through the door before falling asleep. Some days I never wanted to end even as the clock continued to tick towards midnight. We didn’t send a Christmas card this year, so we thought a post on our year would have to suffice.

January 1^st was spent on postpartum after the early delivery of our daughter on 12/31/21. Charlotte came into the world at 4lbs 7 oz. She was a fighter. Even though she was 5 weeks early she was strong. Her blood sugar never dropped. Her temperature was well controlled. She drank well from a bottle. She was as feisty and stubborn as her namesake. If I am honest, I started the year in a very confusing position. I was overjoyed that my daughter was with me, but I was sick and felt defeated. Mentally and emotionally, I felt low. This tiny, too tiny, child was relying on me, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be okay again. My pregnancy had been wonderful, but my labor and delivery were nothing how I imagined it would be. In many ways, I felt as though my body failed me and I wasn’t sure how to move forward. Thankfully, the clock keeps ticking. My tiny child healed my heart and my body slowly healed. Those first weeks went by quickly, and I’m sure there are many women like me who feel like that time lives behind a veil. Everything seems slightly fuzzy. I’m thankful for the pictures I took to remember those days, even the hard days are worth remembering. January came and went. I’m thankful to my mom and mother-in-law who spent weeks with me, helping me learn to take care of my daughter and giving me time to heal, grieve, and move forward.

February: Adjusting a family continued as Charlotte started to grow. We celebrated 11 years together on the 12^th of February. I am amazed as how far we have come and all the things we’ve done in 11 years. The things we talked about at 15 years old were coming true. All our hard work was paying off.

March: The first half of March we waited (im)patiently for Match Day to come. I am a firm believer that God always has a plan for us even if we don’t see it. Sometimes we believe our lives are going down one path and he will send us through a different door. March 18^th, we sat in a large conference room counting down to noon. I had made my list over a month prior. I was sure I knew where we were going. God had other plans. BETTER PLANS! I opened that envelope to see I had matched at St. Joseph Regional Medical Center in Mishawaka, IN. We were going home. I expected bigger emotions that day. I heard others shouting with joy, happy tears going down their faces. I felt relief that this whole thing was over. I was happy, but I was ready to put the circus of residency match behind me. I wanted certainty of my next steps. I wanted to know we had a plan and a home. Finding our next city was step 1.

April: Beginning of April brought the end of medical school. Jacob took me out for an ice cream date to celebrate.

May: I celebrated my first Mother’s Day and 26^th birthday the first week in May. We spent time with our families and continued watching Charlotte grow and learn. Packing was in full swing. We were able to find a home to rent in Mishawaka. We would be able to move in on July 1^st. Until then we would live with my parents in South Bend. There are days I miss our home in Toledo. We had so many memories there including bringing Charlotte home. We did many renovations to make that home ours. It was difficult to know I was leaving a home that felt like mine to live in a house that would never quite feel right. However, being near our families is far more valuable. On May 20^th our families gathered as I walked across the stage to be hooded. This was my third favorite title I received with “wife” and “mama” coming in first and second. It was so nice to look up in the crowd and see my husband, daughter, and both sets of parents waving at me. I am proud of myself for accomplishing this goal! It definitely wasn’t easy but will definitely be worth it. May 28^th was our last day in Toledo. Our families helped us pack up our home and move us back to Indiana and to my parents’ home in South Bend. Our belongings were moved into storage and our suitcases came with us. This wasn’t the first time we lived with a set of parents during our transitions. I’m thankful for such good relationships that allow us to live as a multigenerational household, even for a short while.

June: Jacob and I celebrated our 6^th wedding anniversary. We spent as much time together as a family during this month before I started working on July 1^st. We took a short trip to St. Joseph, Michigan and enjoyed time outside and wandering around the town. Orientation began in the middle of the month. The first time I met my fellow interns, I knew I was in the right place. These were my kind of people!

July: I was on call July 1^st. What a strange feeling that was. I started the year on inpatient medicine. While I was on call, Jacob and his family moved us into our house in Mishawaka. I felt like I had dived headfirst into the deep end, and in all reality, I think I did. It was a strange thing to announce myself as Dr. Brown when I walked into a room. Even now, hearing someone call me “Dr. Brown” has my inner child giggling. Thankfully, most people still call me Aleena (or Mama).

I think the clock sped up because August, September, and October came and went. Work continued as I learned how to navigate the hospital, the EMR (electronic medical record), and learn from those around me. Charlotte grew and grew and suddenly my tiny, tiny baby was crawling, laughing, and evening whistling. She was eating real food and dancing to music. Some days I had more time with my family than others. We had family dinners when we could, date nights when we could, and little adventures here and there. Jacob and I had some big conversations about our future. For most of 2022, Jacob and I thought Charlotte may be our only child. We walked out of that hospital on January 2^nd with our daughter, but both of us had to heal from our experience. We spent a few weekends sitting on his parents’ back porch talking about our family and our goals and visions for the future. One Sunday in September, we were walking out of church. Charlotte was on Jacob’s shoulders, and I had this longing feeling in my chest that someone was missing and should be holding my hand as we walked out. I knew then we were meant to have another child. My hope and prayer is this next year will bring us the joy of having another child. For those who may have been like us, it is okay to change your mind about children. Whether you thought you were only meant to have one or thought you wanted more. It’s okay to change your mind and make the best decision for the family that you have. Children are truly a blessing, but they are HARD work. My feisty 35-weeker turned into a feisty 1 year old. She has taught me so many things about being a mom and about life in general, but raising a human being is tough, especially with no manual. But as the clock keeps ticking, I find myself wishing for just one more minute of newborn snuggles, of nursing, of crawling, of nighttime rocking, of afternoon naps. I look forward to the day she comes running into my arms after work and tells me about her days, afternoons spent doing arts and crafts, family ice cream nights, movies and snuggling. One of my favorite book quotes says, “don’t let the hard days win” and I do my best to remember that on my on-call days, night floats, and tough times with family. By the end of October, I found myself with a 10-month-old and finishing 4 months of residency. I had done all the core rotations and felt much more comfortable at work.

November and December brought us the holiday season. I enjoyed decorating our home and convinced Jacob to put lights on the exterior of the house. Charlotte even had her own little Christmas tree. She is obviously too young to understand Christmas but knowing this was her first, and maybe only one as our only child, I wanted to make it special. She spent time with Grandma Sharon making Christmas cookies for my work and for our families. We spent time in the snow and cuddled up at night. She had many Christmases, one with just us, one with my family and one with Jacob’s. As the only granddaughter on both sides, she was definitely spoiled. The love our families have for Charlotte is unmeasurable. I’ve enjoyed watching her build relationships with her family all year. I was able to take time off between Christmas and New Year’s. I’m extremely thankful for a program that prioritizes their residents and families. They do their best to allow us to spend important dates with our families, just another reason why I am glad God’s plans are bigger than mine. Charlotte turns 1 on 12/31. We will be celebrating with both sides of the family. There will be balloons, cake, cupcakes, and so much yummy food. The days were long, but this year flew by. I don’t know how my preemie turned into this amazing 1 year old, but I am beyond excited to see what this next year has in store for Charlotte. There may be more changes for us this next year as a family but having some constant in this world is needed. Walking into 2023 I feel like a completely different version of myself in a lot of good ways. There has been growth and healing this year that was needed in order to move forward.

Looking Ahead: I’ve already thought of some goals for myself in 2023:

Read 12 books (or more)
Write 1 blog post per month (or more)
Spend 10 minutes journaling per day in both my Bullet Journal and “Better Every Day” Journal
1 Date night per week with Jacob
1 Family Activity per week with Jacob and Charlotte
2 Weekend trips this year
Spend a couple days a month taking photos for our families and others

I want to spend more time documenting and enjoying the phase of life I am in presently. Residency and parenting are both hard yet rewarding. I want to remember these months, especially if we hope to add another member to our family this year. This year I’m choosing to enjoy the ordinary aspects of life and finding peace amongst the chaos and tiredness.

If you’ve somehow read until the end of my monologue, I hope your 2022 was filled with moments of joy and that the times of sorrow were few. I pray 2023 is full of answered prayers and new experiences for you. And if you ever want coffee, I am always excited to sit with a friend over an iced latte.

Dear Grandma Esther…

October 30, 2021 / Aleena Brown

It’s been 5 years without you and so much has happened. Every year I write you a letter keeping you updated. Each year it gets a little easier. I guess that’s the funny thing about grief, it’s always there just easier to deal with. Anyway, this year has been exciting. I’ve written you more letters this year than any of the other years because one just isn’t enough.

School: I am in my last year of medical school. The time has flown by, but I am anxious for it to end. It’s been a long road and I’m ready for the next adventure to begin. I decided to pursue family medicine this year and am excited to start residency this summer. I am in the middle of interviewing for residency. So far, I have had 5 interviews and each program has been very welcoming and kind. It will be a difficult decision to make my rank list. Fourth year has been going well! I have been able to do some interesting rotations and gain some insight into some specialties that I will consult in the future. I think these rotations have been a valuable experience and I will be able to take bits and pieces with me as I move forward. My schedule this year was adjusted so I could take leave this spring to take care of Charlotte. I will finish my last day of clinical rotations on January 28th (your birthday). It’s very exciting to think I only have 3 months left. I will admit, it is getting harder to keep my energy up with so much going on right now. Some days are definitely harder than others. I’m thankful for Jacob, Mom, Dad, Christi, and Brian for being such a great support system and checking in on me frequently. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without them.

Jacob and I: This year Jacob and I celebrated 10 years together and 5 years married! It’s amazing to think all that’s happened in those 10 years together and now we are expecting our little girl! Jacob is still working hard both at work and at home. He is still working at Product Movers keeping the shop running. At home, he recently finished remodeling our basement and is now working on the bathroom upstairs. This little home will be brand new just in time for us to move. He has done such a great job in all areas of his life. You would be so proud of him! I know I am. When we found out we were expecting, he was so excited and a little shocked. When we learned we were having a girl, I think he was smiling more than the day he asked me to marry him. He was the first one to call her by her name. We knew who she was as soon as we saw that pink paper. He has been so supportive during the pregnancy and has helped pick up the slack when I was struggling. He deserves a vacation or maybe a hunting trip. Maybe one of these days I’ll be able to surprise him with something like that. We are doing good though. I think you always knew we would be good. You loved him like he was one of your own from the day I brought him to meet you.

Charlotte: I don’t think I could explain to you the amount of joy and excitement I felt when I found out I was pregnant. That joy and excitement was only magnified when I found out we were expecting a girl. We always knew our first girl would be named Charlotte Esther. We both agreed years ago about that. There were lots of tears shed when the positive test showed up and when I saw that pink paper. I couldn’t wait to tell our family! And they were overjoyed. The first granddaughter for the Browns and the first grandchild for mom and dad! Today I am 26 weeks and 3 days. The pregnancy is flying by. I only have a week and a half left in the second trimester. I don’t want to wish away my pregnancy, but I can’t wait for her to be here. At the beginning of the pregnancy, I had very vivid dreams… and you were there. The first dream I told you I was pregnant. I woke up in tears because I had never seen you in my dreams before, and it was so life-like it was hard to face the reality that I wouldn’t be able to tell you in person. A part of me is thankful that we have the ability to dream, because it gave me the chance to tell you I was pregnant. The second dream was before I knew it was a girl. I ran up to you and gave you a big hug and said “it’s a girl, we are having a girl! And her name is Charlotte Esther!” You gave me a big hug and that was the end. I found out a week later that it really was a girl, and I was thankful again for the opportunity to tell you about it. Charlotte is doing great! Her heart rate is consistently in the perfect range, and she is measuring exactly on track for her due date. She loves to move, kick, dance, and wiggle around. It makes Jacob and I both laugh, although we’ve had to talk with her recently that she needs to let me sleep at night. Even though she hates the seat belt in the car and isn’t a huge fan of me sitting up straight, I feel relief every time she kicks. She seems to love music. I’ve found it will calm her down when she gets annoyed. I’m sure that sounds funny since she’s still in utero, but we think she will have quite a big personality! Our baby shower is coming up. I heard most of the family will be there which is really exciting. I’m thankful to have such wonderful families on both sides who are supportive and excited for another baby to join the family. I hope as she grows there’s a little bit of you in there. I hope she loves baking Christmas cookies and listening to music all day. I hope she loves to be outside and go on adventures. I hope she loves animals and the people she meets. We can’t wait to meet her and get to learn about her each day. It will be an amazing job, and privilege, to be her mom.

Looking Forward: We will be incredibly busy this spring. Charlotte will be here before we know it. Match day is March 18th. We will be in the process of moving and finding a new home for our little family. We are hoping to move back to Indiana, but we will see what ends up happening! I will graduate medical school May 20th and will start residency at the beginning of July. It is such an exciting time for our family with lots of changes. Even in those last few days we talked about all these things happening. You knew I would become a doctor and a mother. You were even working on some toddler dresses for my little girl (They were given to me after you passed away). You knew all along how everything would unfold. And every year on October 30, I write you a letter updating you on all the things that have happened, but I assume you already know.

We love you and we will see you again.

With Love, Aleena, Jacob, and Charlotte Esther

When God Showed Us Another Door

August 8, 2021 / Aleena Brown

For many of us, our path through life feels like doors opening and closing. Sometimes we are hoping for a specific route to be open and we are faced with a closed door. Sometimes a new door appears and we are hesitant to take it. But what about when we already have decided to go down one path, through one door, when another door appears?

Many of you will know that not too long ago, I (Aleena) helped Jacob write a post announcing my decision to go into Obstetrics and Gynecology for my specialty. I was ready. I was prepared. I had my spreadsheets done and was ready to go down the application trail. This was 3 years in the making and I was fully committed to this path. And then God showed me another door.

My first thought was “why now?” Why wasn’t this door shown to me sooner? Why was this happening at the beginning of fourth year? Why now? My mom gave me a great answer to this question… “you weren’t ready for it.”

Have any of you been in this spot? A door was shown to you at (what you would consider) a difficult, unfortunate, weird, stressful time? But if that door would have opened sooner, you wouldn’t have given it the time of day, because you weren’t ready.

So, here’s how it happened. 😊

May 26th 5:45am, those two pink lines showed up. Our joy and excitement could barely be contained. We hugged and cried and celebrated because we were having a baby! And then, I got nervous. I found out so early, I was only 4 weeks pregnant. So we told our parents and kept it quiet.

As the weeks progressed, our anxieties started to lessen and I knew I needed to talk to the school. My due date was February 2nd and I needed a plan to finish medical school. I arranged a meeting with student affairs on June 9 to put a plan together. The administration was great! A plan was put together and I was ready to take on fourth year with the intent of finishing at the end of January and having a maternity leave.

Before I left the office the director looked at me and asked “have you considered dual applying?” … What?

Dual applying is the process of applying for two different types of specialties for residency with the understanding that you’ll end up in one of them. This was never something I had planned on. Why was he asking me this? He mentioned a couple programs including Family Medicine with a focus in obstetrics. My mind was whirling and I told him I would look into it. Now mind you, I was 2 days away from taking Step 2. This wasn’t the time to have a complete change in the plan. So I tucked that information in the back of my mind and moved forward.

June 11th – this was the day I took Step 2. I was prepared and ready… for it to be over. This was the last big exam of medical school! The day went by slowly, but also rather quickly. Jacob and I celebrated that night for both taking Step 2 and our 5 year anniversary. A quick glimpse into the future would show us celebrating a passing score that was higher than I expected! I was feeling thankful and proud of myself for the work I put in and the improvement this score showed.

June 21st. I had just finished my first day of my acting internship in Maternal Fetal Medicine. My Attendings were amazing and the cases were interesting. My OBGYN advisor was one of the attending physicians I was working with. I sat down in his office and asked if I could ask an advising question. I told him about my meeting with student affairs and asked “what are your thoughts on dual applying?” He took a second to think before telling me it didn’t seem like a bad idea. We talked for a while about how the perception around dual applying has changed and that based on my test scores, resume, and experiences, this could be a good thing for me. Then he said, “You know, we’ve talked a few times and I know some of your values and goals that are shaping what you want your attending life to look like. Have you considered family medicine with an obstetrics focus?” … funny you should mention it. I left his office feeling better, but asking the question “what does this mean?” Why did I have two advisors asking me the same question?

June 22nd. I had just finished rounding with my second attending on maternal-fetal medicine when he asked “so, why OB/GYN?” So I gave him my whys. I told him that I liked the diversity in care. I loved working with women. I wanted longitudinal care. I wanted to be involved in the big moments. I wanted to provide women’s health in the rural communities. I told him what I could see my future looking like. He nodded along and took a few seconds to think. He turned to me and asked, “have you considered Family Medicine with an OB focus?”

This wasn’t a coincidence anymore. I just kind of chuckled and said, “I think I’ll look into that.”

So I did. I spent days researching Family medicine residencies. I looked to see what they offered and what I could be trained in. I set up meetings to talk with some family physicians in my life to learn about their decision to pursue family med. I talked with Jacob, Mom, Dad, Christi, and Brian. And then I spent time thinking about my core values. What did I want my life as a physician to look like?

I want to be a great wife. I want to be a great mom. I want to be a great doctor. I want to live and work in a rural area. I want to provide care for a community similar to the ones that poured into me when I was growing up. I want to be a part of a community that will love my family. I want to help bring women’s health to areas that may not have the best access. I want to provide longitudinal care. I want to know my patients well and be there for all of the big changes in life. I want diversity in my work. I want to work with people of all ages. I want to do some procedures and I want time to counsel and teach patients. And at the end of the day, I want to go home and enjoy my family. I want to take my kids fishing, go camping, explore some cities and state parks. I want to have Sunday brunch with my family after church. Being a physician is important, but being present with my family and enjoying my life outside of work is even more important. Can I do all this as an OB/GYN? Probably. But when I look at what matters to me and the work I want to do… Family medicine with a focus on rural and women’s health is the better decision for me.

When God showed me another door, I hesitantly opened it to see what could be and I found myself falling in love with medicine and becoming a doctor all over again. When I really dug deep to figure out what I really wanted to do, I found I wanted to be a primary care physician for the rural population in northern Indiana or northwest Ohio, providing care that they need!

And that’s how it happened. In a span of 3 weeks, I completely changed what my future would look like and I am so excited to watch it unfold. If there is anything I want you to get from my story it’s this…

God will use people in your life to get your attention! Pay attention and listen. There are big things at work in your life!
When God shows you another door, take a peak! You may find that there is a completely different path that is perfect for you that you didn’t consider before.
Change can be really good! Be open to new doors and do your research!

Failure – Let’s Talk About It.

January 20, 2021 / Aleena Brown

What if we talked about our failures.

What if we posted about them as much as our successes. What if you posted that picture where your makeup isn’t done… your hair isn’t styled. What if we could be a little more real with each other.

I had a conversation with a friend recently. We aren’t super close, but I try to be a person who will listen to anyone who needs a safe place.

I had chosen to sit by the windows for lunch. Seeing the trees outside keeps me calm in the craziness of the hospital. I could tell this student was a little flustered. I offered them a seat and to eat with me. They sat down and started talking. We talked about all sorts of stuff. The rotation we were on, what we were doing next. We talked about hobbies, specifically photography, and what we did in our little free time. We talked about the future. I talked about staying in the area. They talked about the uncertainty and deciding where to go next.

And then we talked about our worries. It doesn’t take long for medical students to talk about anxieties, stress, and worries. Between tests, assignments, evaluations, and applying for residency in the fall, there is a lot going on.

And then we talked about Step 1. I know I’ve talked about it before, but please hear me when I say that every single medical student deals with anxiety, stress, uncertainty, fear, and worry when it comes to this exam.

In the moment, I decided to be honest. Be real.

I told my colleague about my struggles with the exam. I told them about my burn out. I told them about being sick. I told them about the failed practice exams. I told them about the stress. And worry. And fear. And feeling inadequate. Feeling like a complete imposter. I told them that I went into that test ready to conquer it, but wondering if I could do it. If I would actually pass and get a score that would be enough to move forward. I used every last bit of fire left in me to pass that exam. But found myself coming up with plans B, C, D, E, and F if things turned out to be on the wrong side of the passing line (and my own line of what was acceptable).

And I passed. It worked out. Was it a happy ending? I guess it depends on your definition.

In the moment, I saw their shoulders drop just a little from their ears. I saw them relax just a little bit. A little bit of relief to hear that someone else had struggles. Someone else had worried and feared for the result and it turned out okay. And they mentioned it was good to hear about a journey that wasn’t all rainbows and perfect scores. I just kinda chuckled and realized most of us don’t have that journey. Let’s be honest, life isn’t all rainbows, pots of gold, or mountain tops. Life isn’t 100%s and 280 step scores. I’m so proud of my classmates who reached those high scores, but I’m also so so proud of my classmates who passed that exam! Who came out of there a little nervous and passed! Maybe just on the other side of that line. That is something to celebrate.

Why are we so hesitant to be real? To be honest? Why does it take so much effort and courage to talk about our actual life?

I realized a few years back that it was important for me to be open and honest with others. Our experiences can be helpful to those we cross paths with. We might not be walking on the exact same path, but we can still encounter the same obstacles. Your story could be the very thing your friends need to hear to know that they are not alone and they will make it. A simple conversation about the obstacles we face could be a turning point for those having lunch with us. It can bring hope and ease fears. Your story reminds others that they are not alone and someone else has been through this and survived.

What if we were more bold? More courageous? What if we took a leap of faith and were vulnerable? What if we could make an impact in only 20 minutes during lunch? What if we could bring some hope and light by saying “I’ve been there.”

And those conversations are amazing! To watch this person across from you realize that someone else understands. There’s a joy that comes with these conversations.

Life isn’t going to be all rainbows, pots of gold, and mountain tops. Let’s be real. Let’s meet others in the rain and in the valley. I see you. I’ve been there. Want a hand? It works out.

I Will Rise

November 29, 2020 / Aleena Brown

My mom gave me a gift this weekend while I was with her for thanksgiving. I’m pretty sure it was meant as a Christmas gift, but she got it in the mail the day after thanksgiving while I was still visiting. She handed me this small brown box and said, “when I saw these I knew you needed to hear them”.

Inside the box, I found two necklaces. They were simple gold pendants with a card behind each of them. This is what the card said.

I WILL RISE

In this hard season, she will conquer the mountain. She is steadying herself and leaning into His grace. And with each step forward she will whisper to herself, “I will rise.”

I turned the card over and found a

Bible verse that was new to me.

Ezra 10:4

Rise up. This matter is in your hands. We will support you. So take courage and do it.

A few weeks ago I wrote about depression. About finding yourself in the “dark and twisty” place. Sitting in the valley. And I told myself, and wrote to you all, that you just have to keep moving forward. But.. I forgot a step. Sometimes in those times, we may no longer be standing. Maybe we are sitting in the valley. Maybe we are lying down in those low spots.

Before we move forward, we need to rise up. (Like it’s easy or something.) I’m sure many of you know how hard that first move is. To rise up. But listen here, it says “Rise up… we will support you.” Do you see that? These things may be in your hands but we WILL support you.

And that’s what my mom wanted me to see, wanted me to hear. Rise up! We will support you. Those times can feel so lonely, but look up and look around, reach out. We will support you. I will support you.

I know thanksgiving looked different for most of us this year. I know many traditions had to be put on pause. And as we look toward Christmas, I hope we can find joy, hope, and thankfulness for what we have and the wonderful things ahead of us.

The “Dark and Twisty” Place

November 13, 2020 / Aleena Brown

This is Important. Pay Attention.

What does depression look like to you?

I want to be honest. Like really honest. My Facebook timeline and Instagram feed are full of happy pictures. Smiles and love. Family and friends. Next steps in my medical school journey. Memories of good times. That’s all great and life is full of wonderful moments…

But.

Life also has valleys. Times of sadness, anger, frustration, worry, and fear.

And when I find myself in those valleys, they just seem a little deeper and a little darker than others.

“Aleena, why are you sad?” … I don’t know.

“Aleena, why are you mad?” … I don’t know.

“Aleena, let’s go out” … maybe another time.

“Why aren’t you reading?” … I don’t want to.

“Why don’t you take pictures?” … I don’t have the energy.

“Let’s take a walk.” … I don’t know if I can move.

“Well if you don’t know, then why stay sad? Why stay angry? Why worry?”

…

I don’t know.

And I’m being honest. I don’t have an answer for these questions.

Please know I know that God has a plan for me. Please know that I know that there is good all around me. Please know I know it doesn’t help to focus on the negative. Please know I know it’s not productive to worry. Please know I know my God is in control. Because I know all this. It doesn’t change the fact that the valley is still deep and dark and it will take me time to climb out of it.

I’m so excited for each new rotation. I’m so excited to pick my specialty. I’m so excited to be an aunt. I’m so excited for the holidays. I’m so excited for Jacob and I’s next steps. I’m so excited for our future, my future.

I know things will get better, but right now, it’s about surviving. And surviving is enough. Surviving is good. Surviving is the first part of climbing out.

Please don’t worry or freak out. I’m okay. I am loved and taken care of. As my husband told me today, I have an army behind me ready to help and I am thankful for every single one of them.

So. If you happen to find yourself in the deep, dark valleys… I see you. I understand.

And I’m here. For the car rides. For the coffees. For the smoothies. For the silence. I’m here. And we survive together. We climb out together.

This year has been tough on all of us. Check in on each other. Realize that sometimes words can’t describe how someone is feeling. Just be there. That’s enough. And remember, valleys can’t be valleys without the mountain tops. You just have to keep moving forward.