Author: Jacob Brown (Page 4 of 7)

The Wenigs

December 16, 2020 / Jacob Brown

We met Michael and Allie Wenig shortly after moving to Ohio for medical school. They are 2 years ahead of my wife, which makes it possible for them to offer viable information about the future during medical school. I know that we and others have found them helpful when times are stressful and seem to be unknown. Michael is in a similar situation to me, as a husband to a medical student.

Michael works for Cru, a Christian organization, where he disciples and mentors college age students. Michael worked to provide financially while Allie was in Medical School. Most of his work involves traveling to schools, but he doesn’t let that stop him from getting his work done at home. Due to Allie’s busy schedule, Michael does most of the house work. I find myself in a similar situation trying to clean and upkeep the house as best I can.

Michael and Allie have been married since 2016, experiencing and enjoying life together. They met each other in 2012 during their freshman year of undergrad. They started dating in 2014. A while back they made a furry addition to their household with a dog named Beesly. They have had a lot of adventures and experiences together through the years and have learned from them. They offer a plethora of knowledge to those around them, and I hope you find how they handle their lives useful for yourself.

Daily Schedule

Allie is now a resident in Columbus, OH where she is working to become a Pediatrician. Being a resident requires a different work schedule than as a medical student. Michael has a highly flexible work schedule that allows him to spend time with Allie when she is available. Though she doesn’t have a lot of free time, they make the goal of having a date night each week. This helps them to have quality time when they endure long stretches without really getting to see each other. They try their best to prioritize each other before work. A good practice for them is setting a priority and target at the beginning of each week, then aiming to reach that goal. They may not have a date each week (if scheduling doesn’t permit) but they do their best to make it a consistent habit. Michael feels that medical professionals are super type A, meaning that they tend to fill each and every moment of free time if left unchecked. Taking time to sit down and talk helps them to look back at what they value first and keep their priorities in order.

Marriage
Friends/community
Work
Everything else

Michael has found the schedule changes to be beneficial over the years. Though the daily schedule doesn’t seem to be very consistent, it has allowed them to work together. With weekly and monthly changes, they have found themselves with an opportunity to progress their ability to communicate and work together. Communication is key for them in their relationship due to their nature of medical school and now residency.

With a schedule that doesn’t allow Allie to contribute maybe as much as she wants, Michael has picked up a lot of the daily and weekly tasks. Michael does about 80% of the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. I am in a similar situation, and we can agree that we don’t dread it. Michael and I both have the view on our efforts as helping our wives achieve their goals. I know that my wife is busy and I want her to do well in school. This tends to mean that we (as husbands) are challenged to pick up more work so that she has more time to study when she is home.

Stressors

Michael is very familiar with stressors for Allie. The biggest stressor that he has noticed is when she compares herself to her classmates. The stress comes from a comparison between how much she studies and how much they study in correlation to their test scores. Trying to achieve some unspecified, nebulous and unreachable level of studying puts a strain on her. It can be hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when they seem to study less and score better than you. I have found this to be very common among the medical students, including my wife. It is difficult to avoid comparing yourself to others when receiving grades on tests, but it is best to avoid this practice.

Michael has developed a plan on how to help Allie relieve stress.

I tend to think if I pick up extra housework and chores it will help Allie feel better if she is stressed. Contrary to that, I’ve learned what’s most helpful is to do or say something that communicates to her I’m thinking about her. That means I either try to surprise her with a gift like flowers, a small treat from the store, or with a fun date. That could also look like taking the time to sit and ask her questions about her day and then offering encouragement, communicating that I see her hard work and I’m proud of her.
Michael Wenig

I have found this to be true in my relationship. Depending on the love language of your significant other or spouse, conveying this way may differ. It appears that Allie’s love language is “Words of Encouragement,” which would be the same as my wife. My wife finds great relief and encouragement when I let her know how well I think she is doing. Don’t get me wrong, our wives enjoy a clean living space, but it is more impactful to let her know how proud I am of her.

Allie’s primary resolution to being stressed is buckling down and working harder. Studying harder and putting in more work can bring a sense of relief for her when she is successful. It is most beneficial for her to step away and have small frequent breaks where she partakes in activities that avoid work. Taking time to play with their dog Beesly on trips that include exercise is also helpful. They both enjoy going to new places getting to spend time together.

Allie is an avid runner and will use exercise as “medicine” to help relieve daily stress and anxiety. Exercise is beneficial for a lot of reasons, but it takes a lot of commitment and effort. It is hard to push yourself to exercise but can be very rewarding. Allie has a lot of motivation and dedication, and it shows in her life daily.

Some hobbies they enjoy together are hosting people in their home and going out with friends. These times tend to be accompanied by good conversation, food and drinks. It doesn’t matter if they stay at home or go out, they enjoy having the fellowship, food, and time together.

The most impactful collective practice for Allie and Michael in reducing stress is having a spiritual discipline of Sabbath. Keeping disciplined to this has helped them in many aspects of their lives and has created a better balance of Work vs. Life. I find this to be one of the best times of the week for us as well. It gives an opportunity to spend time together without commitments and let’s us enjoy being in each other’s company.

Extracurriculars

Allie and Michael love reading, watching sports and hosting others. Hosting others and initiating activities is their favorite thing to do together. They recognize that most of Allie’s peers (and their spouses) are new to this season of life and the city. They may feel lonely, overwhelmed and desire friendship. By inviting them into their home they are able to build relationships with them.

Frequent walks and adventures with their dog Beesly create some exciting times. Beesly keeps them on their toes while they take her out on walks in parks and on trails. All three of them enjoy being out in nature in each other’s company. Beesly is a Viszla, a high energy and athletic dog breed that seems to fit in well to the Wenig’s active lifestyle.

When they are not hanging out with people (or Beesly), they also enjoy trying new drinks and making cocktails. Allie also enjoys baking desserts with Michael. There are a lot of different activities that Michael and Allie enjoy, but most of the joy comes from doing them together.

Satisfaction

Michael can see from Allie that she is 100% satisfied in her work. They try to talk at dinner or whenever they can catch up in the evening on a daily basis. They have worked hard to build a relationship culture in which they openly communicate and ask questions. They find themselves with the ability to talk about their days in marginal times of the morning, over a meal or in the evening.

Michael is a college campus missionary for Cru. He has fairly relaxed hours which allows him to be with Allie most of the time when she is home. That being said, due to working on college campuses, he finds himself busy at times when Allie is home. This kind of situation adds a little bit of stress to Michael’s life. Times were tougher when they were in medical school, but that was mostly due to the fact that they had one income.

Allie expresses interest in Michael’s work. It means a lot to Michael that she asks him about what he is doing. She does her best to stay up to date which conveys a sense of interest from her side. I find this very useful in relationships. Having a partner that shows they are interested in what you do makes a difference in motivation. I find that it affirms our actions while we are trying our best.

Finances

Michael and Allie are satisfied with their income. It can be difficult to budget and live a financially disciplined lifestyle, especially when other students appear to live extravagant lives. Living within your means may not always be the most fun, but it is very rewarding.

During medical school they were able to lively solely from Michael’s income. They had plenty of money to pay bills, go out with friends and take small trips. The main key for them is having discipline and well laid-out budget. Sticking to the budget is the hardest part by far! I have found that it’s pretty easy to make a budget, especially with different apps that available on the market. It is difficult to hold back spending when things arrive that catch our interest.

Relationship

Transitioning into medical school can be difficult. For the Wenig’s, they have had to forgive, offer graciousness, and lots of patience to one another during the transition. They set a definitive list of values and scheduled their time accordingly. Their faith and marriage have been placed at the forefront of their journey.

Allie and Michael have worked as a team through medical school. Allie does not have to go anything alone. Michael has been there to help with meals, work around the home, and help carry the burden when times were hard. He was also there in the times where she needed someone to help her celebrate. Prioritizing their marriage has helped Allie out appropriate boundaries on her time spent studying. Having a spouse pushed Allie to use her time wisely so that she could spend time with Michael and taking breaks.

Michael has not ever felt that being married has hindered them in their lives. Marriage is intended to enrich their lives, and they are experiencing it first hand. Marriage is not intended to be a unity reflecting “roommates”, but is for us to work together.

Michael strives to be the launchpad for Allie’s career. He is currently at a point in life where he works hard to support Allie. The time where he supports her will never end, but may change over time. He makes sure that Allie knows that she has worth and purpose no matter the outcome of her career. Michael strives to ensure that Allie knows that her worth isn’t tied to her job or status of her career. Setting Allie up for success and keeping their priorities in order have been some of the biggest challenges for Michael in their relationship.

Final Thought

The Wenig’s are working together to conquer schooling for Allie. She has a ways to go, but she is well over the hump. I think they are doing a great job keeping their priorities in order.

Marriage is a team effort that requires cooperation and hard work. The only way to succeed is to have the same goals in mind and support each other in their interests. The Wenigs are doing what they can to take interest in each other’s lives and support their decisions. There is something in their relationship we can all note for our own lives.

How To Fail While Avoiding Failure.

December 9, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Failure is an interesting concept to me because it changes depending on the perspective. If we make an attempt for a goal in life, but we don’t achieve our goal, we tend to say that we “failed.” If it is a constant and continuing process of failing we tend to say that some is a “failure.” But why is this the case?

Important Definitions

The definition of fail is to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goal. By this definition, if we make the attempt to achieve anything and do not succeed, we have failed. That doesn’t mean that we won’t learn anything along the way, but we have failed. It’s not fun to fail and lose out on achieving our goals. Failing to reach our goals is part of life. We set goals and strive to achieve them and occasionally roadblocks stop us. It is demoralizing and crushing to our morale when we fall short. This usually results in losing the prize at the end of hard work. There are times when we set a goal that is a stretch for our abilities but making goals that are difficult is what pushes us to try our best.

The definition of failure is lack of success. It is possible for us to fail to achieve our goals, but we are not a failure by this definition. Failure would be if we arrived for our goal, failed, but did not come away with anything from the experience. Failure is a lack of learning and success in any way.

Repetitive Failed Goals

I, like most people, sets goals for myself and strive to achieve them. To be honest, I fail quite regularly. I have been working on remodeling part of my basement now for over a year and have failed nearly every milestone that I set in the beginning. I originally wanted to complete the project by Christmas of 2019 and it looks like it will not be completed by Christmas 2020. It is hard to push ourselves when we are not motivated or the reward doesn’t seem to outweigh the input of work. My basement is a great reward and there has been a lot of work input to reach where I am today. I hope to complete the project by the end of the year, but it will take more determination and effort than I have invested recently.

Looking back at my progress I can see that even though I have failed nearly all of my goals, I have come a long way. The space is painted, flooring installed, electrical run, and it’s almost complete. This has still happened with a long list of failed goals. So with all these failed goals, should I consider myself a failure?

Failing ≠ Failure

It’s easier for me to see my progress with something tangible like my basement. I can walk down my stairs and look at the ceiling, walls, and floor and easily depict whether or not a task has been completed, and a goal met. It may be harder to tell when looking at our lives. Not everything that we set a goal to complete is as simple as my basement project. Not all goals we set in our lives have obvious milestones leading up to the primary goal.

Medical students take a Step 1 exam around the end of their second year across the nation. Some of them take it earlier or later, but this seems to be the norm. This is a huge test (if you know a medical student ask them about it) and failing is not an option. Failure is possible and a small percentage of students that fail every year seem to be cast into a different class of students. That failed exam is carved into their permanent academic record. They can retake the exam but the previous failure will always show. I don’t know anyone that has failed but I think this is due to knowing some really good students. From my perspective it seems that most of the students are scared or terrified that they will fail, and use it as motivation to study harder and push for their goal of passing. Students that fail on their first attempt can retake it and become doctors. Failing creates a different path for them, but it is possible. It’s probably best to avoid it but many ask themselves “What if I fail?”

It’s hard to put a positive spin on a failed Step 1 exam due to the repercussions in the students life. Here are some questions that I think we can ask ourselves when we fail our goals.

Is this failed attempt going to ruin my life?
Is there anything positive that has come from this attempt?
Did I achieve anything along the way?

The most important questions are below.

Did I try my best?
What did I learn from this failed attempt?
Is this goal worth trying for again?

The first three questions help to gain some perspective of the situation. I think that in every failure that we experience, there is something positive. It isn’t easy to see positive points after a failed attempt. We may not be able to look back and find it right away, but I believe that it exists. The second three questions are the more important questions in my opinion. The separation between a failed attempt and failure is being able to look at how hard we worked, what we can learn, and if it’s worth pursuing again.

Avoiding Failure

For me the defining line between failing and being a failure is what we learn and how we take our next steps. If we strive to achieve and goals and succeed, then well done. In the event that we fail to achieve our goal but do not learn anything, that is failure.

If failure is defined as a lack of success then as long as we have some sort of success, failure does not occur. I believe that we can always learn from times that we fail. We may learn more about ourselves on how we should/could have handled the situation when compared to success. Maybe we learn that the goal isn’t worth the effort because we don’t enjoy the road to success (or the prize) as much as we thought we would. Maybe we realize where we caused our downfall and can prepare for the next attempt.

The key to avoiding failure is to do our best, learn, and find a way to achieve our goals. There are goals in life that are not achievable. Our mind and body have limits but I don’t think that we usually push ourselves far enough to find them. There is a point where we will be limited and won’t achieve a goal.

It’s hard to tell when the challenge is too much or we didn’t try hard enough. We tend to be limited by our will power and the desire to press on toward our goal. Keeping devoted to a task is hard, especially if the road to the finish line is rough.

Final Thought

I think that people are not failures or achieve failure unless they do not look at what happened and learn from it. Taking the time to look at the situation and think about what happened makes a huge difference in the success when someone tries again. We need to learn from our (and others) past mistakes so that we can be more success on our endeavors of the future. Keep pushing for your goals, learn along the way, and do your best.

If we fail to achieve our goal while learning nothing, we have achieved failure.

How do I progress with a failed plan in life?

December 2, 2020 / Jacob Brown

My wife is a planner which is useful in so many ways. We have a lot of commitments and it helps to have a plan set forward before embarking on new adventures. Planning for different life events has helped us avoid being unprepared and see potential failures. I enjoy planning some things in life but prefer to go with the flow in most circumstances. Many people prefer to make plans, which are often shifted, and I thought it would be worth discussing how I practice staying relaxed, accepting outcomes, and rolling with the punches. So, when life doesn’t follow my plan how do I deal with the changes?

My Plan of Attack

I tend to follow a process to handle situations where changes occur. My way of handling these changes isn’t perfect, but it works well for most situations. I have broken it out into the following 5 steps.

Look at the situation as a whole picture.
Determine the severity of the situation.
Find the problem.
Plan steps to solve the problem.
Execute the original or new goal.

A Scenario

Let’s say I am planning to purchase a used car from a local dealership. I own a good driving vehicle but am looking for an upgrade. I search online and find a model of vehicle that I like and spend an extensive amount of time studying. I have looked at lots of reviews and find that this vehicle fits my needs and would make a great long term buy. I look at some local dealerships for a few weeks and notice that a new listing has been posted for the vehicle of my interest. I also notice that there are a few listing further away in some nearby towns.

On a Saturday, the only day I am free, I go on a test drive in the vehicle and discover that it has some minor issues, but is still in excellent condition. All-in-all it seems like a great vehicle, listed at a perfect price point for my budget.

After my test drive I arrive back at the dealership to discuss purchasing with a salesperson. I inform them that I should be able to make a decision soon but would like to look around more at other options. They are left with my phone number, and I tell them I could be back in 1 week to make the purchase.

Before I have time to return, I receive a call from the dealership that the vehicle has sold.

A Distant Analysis

Looking at the situation from a distance I see the following facts.

There was a local vehicle for sale.
I know the model of vehicle I want.
I know the price I want to pay.
I liked how the vehicle drove.
I know what price people will pay.
It sold quickly.

A Calculated Severity

In this situation I would look at the repercussions from missing out on purchasing this vehicle.

I didn’t make the purchase and have to continue driving my current vehicle.
I may end up having to pay more and potentially less for a similar vehicle.
I get to keep my money a little longer.
I have more time to branch out my search.

Looking at the list above, missing out on purchasing this vehicle will not have harsh repercussions. I still have my good running car to fall back on and have learned more information on the process of purchasing a used car. I liked that vehicle, but there are others ones that are for sale. If I were to have made this purchase, which is the first that came available, I would not know what else is out there.

Snoop Around

I find it productive to look at why I was not able to purchase that vehicle.

I was not ready to make the purchase at the time of the test drive and decided to wait. I have given an opportunity for someone else to swoop in and make the purchase. I should consider being prepared to make the purchase upon visiting the dealership to lessen my chances of this happening again.

I’ve got (another) Plan!

In this scenario, I have no other choice but to create a new plan. The vehicle that I was interested in purchasing sold to someone else, so it is not available for me.

The new plan is to find another vehicle for sale and put in the work to make the purchase.

Pressing On

In this step I should be putting in the work to find another vehicle for sale. This requires me putting in the work to search dealerships, private sellers, and possibly a larger radius to find the vehicle for me. I can push forward using the previous experience to guide me on my future decisions.

Some new things that I have learned is that I should be ready to buy upon inspecting the vehicle. If I go in unprepared for purchase, there is a chance I can lose the opportunity again.

Understanding the Situation

It is said a lot, but try try again. Being optimistic and looking at the situation from a positive perspective makes a huge difference. When I fail, or feel as if I have failed, I prefer to look at the situation as maybe I avoided some sort of issue. Was I supposed to succeed? Was my blocked path actually protecting me?

Maybe the vehicle I was trying to purchase had a lot of issues. That vehicle may have had engine or transmission problems, which would have resulted in expensive repairs. Maybe the vehicle would only last me a year or two before breaking down. It’s hard to tell, but like I said, I prefer to think of blocked life paths in this way. Due to the fact that I didn’t make the purchase, I won’t know the end result for the vehicle. But I choose to think that maybe I wasn’t supposed to go down that path. Maybe the path that I missed out on wasn’t the path for me, and my next path could be better. Not every path with challenges is a path worth losing, but it is hard to tell when that is the case. There are times when putting in the work to go down the path becomes too much.

In my scenario, I could have tried to find out who bought the vehicle. I could have them tracked them down and made them an offer. Would this be wise? I’m probably going to end up spending a lot more money than if I went out and found a different vehicle. There are times in life where we may need to do this, but it is hard to tell when it is what we should do.

A Final Thought

When looking back at the scenario above, put something from your life as the vehicle that was sold before you could buy it. Maybe your road block is a job you wanted, a car, a relationship, or a life event. It’s hard to come back from some of our failures or losses, but we can learn from them. We may not get what we want, but I believe we are pushed down paths for what we need.

I believe that we are led paths for certain reasons in our lives. There is a path we are made to go on and it tends to be a path we don’t understand. It tends to be a path that if we knew before hand, we would be too scared to go down. We would more than likely feel like quitting or seeking a new path due to what we see ahead.

This is also why I tend not to worry about what’s ahead, and try to view new challenges as something that builds us up stronger than before. That doesn’t mean that I don’t worry or get nervous, because I do. We can learn from the blocked paths and lost ventures, using that information to progress on our next attempt a little further.

Habakkuk Chapter 1

A Gobbling Occasion

November 25, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Thanksgiving has always been a time that my wife and I enjoy. We love getting to spend time with family, eat good food, and have a break from school or work. A shorter school break will occur this year during a time of COVID-19 and medical school commitments. That being said, we will be thankful for what we have been able to do this year despite the different hurdles that have arisen in our path. Traditionally we get to celebrate with all of our family members devouring large amounts of food. Though that may not happen to the same caliber this year, we can still be just as grateful for how we have been blessed.

A Smaller Group

With COVID-19 infecting different parts of the United States, we are being influenced to keep our gatherings to a minimum. Many of my friends have had their Thanksgiving plans cancelled or changed to cut down to a small group size. This will cause them to miss seeing some of their more distant relatives in an effort to follow the set guidelines. This is a sad time for most, especially those who haven’t seen each other since last Christmas.

The time that people have been apart from relatives has taken a toll on them mentally. We have a large number of older members that have been mostly isolated from the outside world, and they will now miss getting to see their family members at this holiday. For some, the isolation has now been for 7+ months which is a very long time apart from closer family members and friends.

Minimized Family

We have been urged by our local governments to cut down the sizes of our gatherings in an effort to slow the spread of COVID-19. This doesn’t mean that we can’t have a celebration, but we are supposed to limit our gathering sizes. If you are from a larger family, this can leave out family members from celebrating. Smaller families may not feel this as much, but larger families will for sure. One of my friends is from a large family that is sprawled out across the Midwestern United States. They have made the decision to keep separate for Thanksgiving. There will be no gathering, family reunion, or time where they will all see each other this season.

Giving Thanks

There are a lot of things that we are thankful for this year, despite the plan changes due to Covid-19. Here are some things that I am thankful for this year. Hopefully some of the things that have blessed me, have blessed you as well.

We have a home.
1. This may seem like a given, but there are a lot of people in the United States right now that do not have a home. They may have lost their job or home due to uncontrolled circumstances and are trying to make it daily.
We have family.
1. Not everything that our families do is what we want, but they are doing what they think is best for us. We know that we can call on them if we need help and they will try. The current events with COVID-19 will keep us from seeing some of our family members, but they know we still love them.
We have food on the table.
1. I have been fortunate enough to work during this national COVID-19 fiasco without interruptions. I know people close to me that have not been able to keep their jobs or remain at work. Unemployment has struck a lot of families this year and will affect them through the holidays.
We have grown closer together.
1. With the COVID-19 circumstances around us we have been able to spend more time together. We took walks, rode bikes, and watched movies together quite a bit this year. Without being able to travel or shop as much this year, we have been pushed to find things we enjoy together.
We have amenities.
1. As always, one of my favorite responses to “what are you thankful for?” is indoor plumbing and air conditioning. These are things that we take for granted in our everyday lives. Not having to haul water or leave our climate conditioned home to use the bathroom is an amenity that most of us can’t imagine living without. In the heat of summer we have the ability to crank the ac so it’s icy in our homes and cars. Some amenities I greatly appreciate.

Final Thoughts

Many people have lost a great deal this year. Some have lost jobs, homes, or family members. If this is the case for you, I believe you still have a lot going for you. We have a lot of good things going for us. We are truly and deeply blessed even if we don’t see it at first. I urge you to take some time to think about all of the ways you have been fortunate this year.

To finish off this post I would like to remind you to call, text, email, or video chat with those family members that can’t make it to your gathering. It may have a huge positive impact on their mental health. It will also show them that you are thinking of them and give you an opportunity to let them know you appreciate them. We want to be together with our families, but the circumstances are not in our favor this year.

We will have to hope things improve and re-evaluate the state of our country come Christmas time.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve.

The Lows are Low

November 18, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. All of us have felt this at some point. Whether we get sick or have a family member pass, there will be a time when we are not happy. And that’s ok. When life is going well and we are on the ups, the downs can hit us hard.

My wife has had hard experiences during her life that have crippled her mentally, and made it hard for her to complete daily tasks. She is tough, but not invincible. Recently she made a post on social media that I think is worth sharing. The female perspective is different on these topics than mine, and that’s good. My wife feels and notices a lot more in some aspects than I do.

My wife is amazing and wrote this really well. She has been having a lower time in her life, though things are going well. Some of the frustration for her seems to come from where we are in life. There are a lot of decisions to be made and she feels like we are kind of stuck. Read the following message from her and see if you can relate.

“This is important. Pay attention.

What does depression look like to you?

I want to be honest. Like really honest. My timeline is full of happy pictures. Smiles and love. Family and friends. Next steps in my medical school journey. Memories of good times. That’s all great and life is full of wonderful moments…

But.

Life also has valleys. Times of sadness, anger, frustration, worry, and fear.
And when I find myself in those valleys, they just seem a little deeper and a little darker than others.

“Aleena, why are you sad?” … I don’t know.
“Aleena, why are you mad?” … I don’t know.
“Aleena, let’s go out” … maybe another time.
“Why aren’t you reading?” … I don’t want to.
“Why don’t you take pictures?” … I don’t have the energy.
“Let’s take a walk.” … I don’t know if I can move.

“Well if you don’t know, then why stay sad? Why stay angry? Why worry?”
…
I don’t know.

And I’m being honest. I don’t have an answer for these questions.

Please know I know that God has a plan for me. Please know that I know that there is good all around me. Please know I know it doesn’t help to focus on the negative. Please know I know it’s not productive to worry. Please know I know my God is in control. Because I know all this. It doesn’t change the fact that the valley is still deep and dark and it will take me time to climb out of it.

I’m so excited for each new rotation. I’m so excited to pick my specialty. I’m so excited to be an aunt. I’m so excited for the holidays. I’m so excited for Jacob and I’s next steps. I’m so excited for our future, my future.

I know things will get better, but right now, it’s about surviving. And surviving is enough. Surviving is good. Surviving is the first part of climbing out.

Please don’t worry or freak out. I’m ok. I am loved and taken care of. As my husband told me today, I have an army behind me ready to help and I am thankful for every single one of them.

So. If you happen to find yourself in the deep, dark valleys… I see you. I understand.

And I’m here. For the car rides. For the coffees. For the smoothies. For the silence. I’m here. And we survive together. We climb out together.

This year has been tough on all of us. Check in on each other. Realize that sometimes words can’t describe how someone is feeling. Just be there. That’s enough. And remember, valleys can’t be valleys without the mountain tops. You just have to keep moving forward ❤️

With love, Aleena”

My Learnings

I hear from my wife when she has had a bad day, week, or month that she doesn’t want to do much. It’s not easy for me to communicate with her because I tend not to get a response. I choose to make the decisions for her and nudge her to come with me to get out and avoid just sitting on the couch. I find it beneficial for her and it helps me to better understand her.

I’m still learning how to help her and handle these low points. My goal isn’t to make her happy instantly, but to make sure she knows that I am here. I try to make sure that she knows she is safe, loved, and things will get better. I have found some success in taking her out on a drive or to a park. Getting her mind off whatever she is thinking about and more into explaining and talking to me seems to help. It can be hard for her to talk, and hard for me to understand but it is beneficial for both of us.

Take time to listen. Take some mental notes and find some strategies to keep your spouse happy. Find what they need, which may not be what they want. Be patient, kind, and cautious. Use this time to learn about your spouse and do your best to be there to help them.

Retiring at 32 Years Old

November 11, 2020 / Jacob Brown

People tend to assume (jokingly) that I have married for the money. That isn’t totally true, since I have less money now than ever. I tend to tell them that I married for the “future” money, and just haven’t gotten my return yet on my investment. This is a joke, of course, but for whatever reason this is the first thing that comes to the minds of people I meet when I tell them that my wife is in medical school. Something that I have been wondering about lately is why? Why is this the first thing that comes to their mind? There are a lot of other ideas that come to mind why I married my wife, and none of them are for the money.

It can be difficult to tell whether or not we are doing well as a spouse in our relationships. We can only try our best, and try to play our cards in the best way possible. There are typical roles for brides and grooms in a married relationship, and I am going to describe why an atypical role (like mine) as a husband is exactly what husbands should be doing in the way of finances. This is assuming that my wife will be making more money than me after she completes medical school.

The Typical Circumstance

For the longest time, husbands have been the breadwinner of the household. Husbands have a natural drive to compete with others and provide for their families in the best way they see fit. This tends to drive men to earn money in order to provide everything from shelter to food. Without the dedication of the other half of the relationship it would be very difficult to have a car, house, or food in today’s society. Due to being gone all day, or night, the wife tends to cover most of the other tasks. I am in a similar situation in my life. My wife is in school and is not working, so I am the only one with time to work. I tend to pitch in to do chores around the home as well.

We are currently in a phase of life where I am the breadwinner, but that may not always be the case. When my wife finishes residency and begins practicing medicine she will be paid quite a bit. Will it be more than I am making? More than likely. Does the fact that my wife will make more than me upset me? No. I think that our society is on a path for more women to be out-earning men, and I will not be the only one gifted with this situation.

Why would I be upset about my wife working hard and striving to be the best wife and doctor she can be in this life? In my opinion, having the view that the man HAS to make more than the wife is a little selfish. Money is not the only contribution that a spouse can make into their relationship, but it is one of them. In this situation, where my wife makes more money than me, what can I do to continue to contribute to our relationship and our lives?

Future Finances

As with most relationships, the husband can continue to work after his wife becomes a doctor. Just because one person has a high income does not mean that the spouse has to just sit at home. I believe that as husbands we are called to provide for our families. If the thing that we see our family needs is more money, then we need to go work to provide. This is not a time to be complacent or push the responsibility of providing solely onto our wives. She has other skills that men do not possess, and we need to work together. I plan on continuing to work in some capacity. This may involve a job change or other circumstances depending on some other life events. If we have kids at the time this could mean that I provide for my family by taking care of them. If we want to have them in child care, this could mean that I would work a normal engineering job and earn additional income. I like to joke with people that I will just retire when she becomes a doctor, but I think there are too many things on my list of to-dos. Retiring at 32 seems like it would be a dream, but I would continue to work and provide what my family needs at that time.

Something that I can see doing to assist my wife in the way of finances is help her balance our budget, or do the leg work with accountants so that we can get where we want to be financially. Money is money, and doesn’t run our lives. My wife wants to be a doctor, typically a high paying job, to help people in need and make money along the way.

Early Retirement

Like I said before, as men and husbands we are called to take care of our wives and families. This isn’t always financially, but can be. I regret to inform you that I will not be retiring at 32. It does seem like it would be an interesting ride, but I don’t believe that we are made to mooch off our wives and be lazy. We are made for so much more than just being complacent with our finances. Here are some things that are important for a husband to strive to achieve in my situation.

We are called to protect our wives, families, neighbors, and those around us. I don’t think that I can fully engage myself in this while being retired. I have to do some sort of work in order to make sure that those around me are safe. I’m not a huge fan of paying people to come do work for me, and this will not change after my wife lands her first job.

We are called to provide for those around us. This may be taking my kids to school and making sure that they have good food for lunch. I can take care of my parents and in-laws to make sure that their needs are met. I can volunteer or work at church, school, or develop projects on the side to provide. Supporting your wife to help her live out her dreams is important and can come down to minor details like washing dishes. As an example, by washing dishes while she is at work, I may be able to lessen her stress and provide a calming environment for her when she comes home.

As men we are called to work. Sitting around watching TV is not what we are made to do. Manual labor ability is something that we have been gifted. We are made to work, and I believe that even when men retire at 65, they can’t help themselves but work. They may not be working for money, but they are making improvements in their lives.

Main Takeaway

Love your wife and support her in the ways that you can. Becoming a doctor is not an easy path. As men and husbands we need to work to provide in the best ways that we see fit. It doesn’t always boil down to financial support, but it does sometimes. There are so many other things in our lives that we can do if we are not going to support our families financially, you just have to look for them and push yourself.

A Good Night’s Sleep

November 4, 2020 / Jacob Brown

With all the stress and strain in a medical student lives, it can be difficult to have a good night’s sleep. We have a lot going on, especially with school or work, and it can be hard to quiet our minds enough to rest. This is something that seems to vary depending on what rotation my wife is in, and how strenuous the work.

Personally, I don’t usually have many issues falling and staying asleep. I tend to rest my head upon my pillow, and be asleep within 10 minutes. I tend to take some time to reflect on my day and relax before heading to bed as well. I may be a weirdo, but I prefer to shower before bed, and not in the morning. It seems that a lot of people I have met prefer to shower in the morning because it wakes them up and preps them for the day. I have noticed that it has been a bad idea to fall asleep on the couch, then take a shower and try to fall asleep in bed. This tends to result in a long period of time awake staring at the inside of my eyelids. It must be that I was asleep, then interrupted it and tried again. I prefer to prep for bed about 30-60 minutes before I want to fall asleep. This gives time for my body and mind to slow down, and my nightly routine not to interfere with my sleeping schedule. This doesn’t always pan out when I am working on projects, but I try to stick to it.

I try to stay on a nightly schedule to create some consistency to my day. I like to set alarms for things that I need to do so that I don’t get too caught up in my work. This helps to get started on my routine so I’m not late to bed late. This is something that my friends have noticed and choose to point out every time my alarms go off. They mean well, and I also think it’s funny that they know my alarms as well as I do. I try to use my schedule to influence my wife as well, pointing out when it is time for her to stop working or watching TV so we can get to bed.

My wife’s experience with good sleep is a different story than mine. She tends to have some issue falling asleep, and it seems a majority of the reason is due to her high brain activity when climbing in bed. She uses her brain so much during the day that it can’t tell when the day is over. This causes her to have a hard time getting her mind to stop running. This seems to be a common issue among people that live busy and hectic lives. It can be hard for her to slow what she is doing and let herself relax.

Some things that she does to relax may be taking a walk, reading a book, or listening to music. I’m not sure how positively influential smart phones are on our sleep habits, but it seems best not to play on them while in bed. She tends to need more time to relax before falling asleep when doing so. It seems to be more important what time she gets in bed, and not as much how long it takes to fall asleep. As an example, if it takes 30 minutes to fall asleep but she gets in bed at 8:00 pm, it’s not a big deal. If instead of 8:00 pm it were 11:00 pm, that’s different and not going to be beneficial. Not everyone can fall asleep right when their head hits the pillow, which is okay. It can be beneficial to find ways to relax and prep for bed so that you can rest properly. If you can find what makes you tired, maybe you can get adequate sleep.

Some Sleep Influences

Following is a list of influences that I have noticed affect my wife’s sleep. They don’t cause her issues every night, but they do on occasion. It can be hard to stick to healthy living and a schedule, especially with how busy our lives have been during medical school.

Stress from working in the hospital. Patient stress and stress caused by the environment.
Continuous thoughts about tomorrow. Not only negative thoughts, but positive thoughts as well.
Poor diet, especially in the evening. This is usually remedied by having a good meal early in the evening.
Tense muscles, this is usually remedied by a massage. This is a continuous issue. This tends to make her toss and turn a lot, which interrupts sleep.
Brain seems tired but body is not. This seems to be common as well, especially when she spends a lot of time studying and not moving.

Getting good sleep can be difficult when your days are stressed. It seems that if a person did a bunch of things in a day, it would cause them to be tired enough to fall asleep. This doesn’t seem to be the case. Proper sleep can make your days much more productive and enjoyable. Hopefully you can find some productive, healthy, and beneficial outlets for stress and worry to allow yourself to get proper rest.

The Veermans

October 28, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Something that I admire in people is their willingness to take on life changes when it is going to be hard. It can be difficult to squeeze life events into schedules during medical school, but not impossible. Medical school consumes the lives of the students seemingly taking away (or delaying) different life opportunities. Not all students feel this way, but it appears to be this way for a majority of them from my perspective.

I have noticed there are quite a few single people looking to date during medical school. There are a few that meet their spouses during medical school and get married. I am not 100% sure, but I would guess that an even smaller number of couples get married during medical school. It can appear to be better to wait until after medical school, but not to Brent and Karyn.

Brent Veerman and Karyn Schmidt met each other during medical school. They met early in Karyn’s medical school career, and dated for about 20 months before getting married. This timeline currently puts Brent is his 4th year of medical school, and Karyn in her 3rd year. They got married on October 17th, 2020 which wasn’t long ago. Though they have been married for less than a month, they appear to be doing great. I have not heard any complaints, so it seems to be good so far. It takes some time to get used to living with someone, even your spouse. They are both great people with a long and happy marriage ahead of them. There will be more to come in their married lives, but I am primarily going to focus on their dating lives.

Daily Schedule

Seeing as both Brent and Karyn are medical students, it was difficult for them to tell if they were missing out on time together with their schedules. While dating there weren’t many times where one was free and the other was busy. Their schedules tended to align fairly regularly. Karyn doesn’t really see what they could have been missing, but it appears to be because they were so busy. Both of them enjoy cooking, and intend to keep cooking together after marriage. Cooking is a task they enjoy together and it gives them time together, and a meal. From my experience, taking time to cook a meal can build quality time together. I remember talking to Brent about he and Karyn cooking some different items, like potstickers, and how much he enjoys spending time with her.

One thing that seemed to weigh on Karyn while dating was the inability to have a lot of real dates. Real dates would be considered a time where she can go out with Brent to a nice meal, where they can have good conversation. They get to spend time together, but Karyn would prefer to have more time to go on dates. She hopes to have more of these opportunities now that they are married. From my perspective, Karyn enjoys making memories with Brent. It is unfortunate when we don’t have enough room in our schedules to get the amount of quality time that we would like.

Now that they are married, there will be changes in their daily schedules. One huge advantage that I can see is the fact that they get to spend every night together. One burden that I felt while dating was dropping my wife off at her dorm, and I know Brent and Karyn feel that as well. They have also experienced this because Brent and Karyn chose to put themselves in the same position while they were dating. It can be more expensive to live apart paying rent for two different places, but it’s worth it in my opinion. Getting to spend that time in the evening (and morning) with your spouse is one huge advantage for people when they are married. Being able to see your loved one at the end of each day makes a positive impact in their lives.

Stressors

From Karyn’s perspective, one of the biggest stressors for Brent has been choosing a specialty and where he would like to go for residency. This is a very common stressor that I have heard from medical students. One thing that makes the decision hard for Brent is he is one year ahead of Karyn. Depending on where he picks, and is chosen, they could be apart for one year while she completes medical school. It is difficult to balance making the choice between where to go and how far he will be from his wife.

Karyn chooses to help him handle the stress by talking through the stressful situations. This should allow Brent and Karyn to collaborate on big choices. They can put their minds together and share their viewpoints on the decision, which should help them make the decision with less stress. This is going to be a difficult decision for them, but not impossible. I know that I prefer to talk through stressful situations with my wife to make sure that I am making the right choice.

Brent enjoys working out and relaxing with his friends or roommates to handle stress. As everyone might know, exercise is a good stress reliever. That being said, exercise doesn’t relieve all stress on someone’s life. Karyn hopes that being married will allow them to spend more time together and in turn, lessen some of the stress in their lives. This has been the case for me, and for others that I have spoken with. Having someone by your side through your hardships makes a huge difference in the amount of stress accrued.

Extracurriculars

Brent and Karyn don’t have a ton of free time, but they work to make time for personal health. Brent works out regularly and enjoys playing intramural sports like basketball when possible. Karyn works out regularly on her own or with friends, but also spends time doing physical activities with Brent. Some physical activities that they enjoy together are tennis and mini golf.

Brent enjoys taking time for construction and crafting projects. I know that he enjoys doing these things, and I have invited him multiple times to my house to assist me on my projects. He has helped me work in my house, and we have worked on some projects of his as well. He was trying to find something to give Karyn as a wedding gift, so I offered him help so that he could build her gift. Brent spent a lot of time building her gift, and it’s amazing! Brent crafted a live edge maple and epoxy coffee table that will last them for years.

Karyn and Brent both enjoy traveling. Karyn has taken trips to Florida, Maine, and other places during medical school. They have gone on some trips and camped together, occasionally with Brent’s friends. Not really something I’m into, but Brent and Karyn are brave enough to have gone skydiving together! They trust each other a lot, and are enjoying the thrills of life together.

Satisfaction

Something important to keeping mental stamina up is enjoying the task at hand. Karyn knows overall Brent is enjoying his experience in medical school. Enjoying where he is in life will help him to work hard and feel satisfied. Karyn and Brent are able to have conversations daily recapping their experiences. This is something that I have found is much easier after marriage. In my opinion, it’s not hard to have a phone call to recap the day, but it’s a lot better in person. Being able to have an in-depth discussion recapping the day makes a difference in mental health. There are different events that happen during the day that take a toll on medical students. Patient condition, patient loss, and school work are common stressors. Talking about these things helps to reduce stress and can help to have more satisfaction in their work. Karyn is in a more unique situation when compared to me in my opinion. Since she is also a medical student, she can further relate to Brent when it comes to medicine than I will be able to relate to my wife. This offers a new perspective and will help them relate and converse with each other when it comes to medical field experiences. I don’t think that her situation gives a clear advantage over my situation, but it will be more beneficial is some aspects.

Finances

When it comes to students, finances tend to be a simple subject. Most students are forced to live off of loans due to not having income. Brent and Karyn are both medical students, which makes their financial situation tighter than mine. Medical school does not allow them any time during the year for a job. This is different than undergrad, which typically has summer vacation (time to make some money). They are currently living off of assistance from their parents and student loans. Without having steady income from a job it can be harder to live, but Karyn doesn’t feel this way. She feels that they are very fortunate in their lives financially. Part of the blessing is only having student loans through Brent. Paying off his loans will be their main focus as they progress into residency and the workforce.

Final Thoughts

Brent and Karyn put a significant amount of value on spending time together. I know for a fact they try to spend evenings and church together. Free time is hard to find, but they are trying to make it work. They are working together for a common goal, and helping each other along the way. I find this very useful because good mental health can be difficult to maintain with all of the strain becoming a doctor. They are open with each other (especially now that they are married) and can lean on each other when they are struggling. It can be difficult to make big life choices, and they have been working together on communication for a while.

They got married recently and will do great things in their lives and the medical field. As doctors they will work through good times and bad times together. They are able to relate to each other on a deeper level in their personal and professional lives. Valuable skills will be learned through these similarities and differences that they can pass to their kids. Brent and Karyn will be able to raise them with all the intuition and knowledge they have gained during these Med School years.

Getting married during medical school isn’t easy with the demand for time and commitment. Brent and Karyn are showing us that is it possible! Hopefully you (as the reader) can learn tips and tricks from their relationship, and implement them in your life.

A Day for Eternity

October 21, 2020 / Jacob Brown

After attending the wedding of a friend I began to think about some different concepts of marriage and misconceptions from society. I also began to think about the close friends that the bride and groom have in their lives.

The groom had one of his long time friends as his best man. I didn’t ask, but it may be his longest relationship with anyone outside of family. From what I remember, his relationship with his best man has lasted more than a decade. His friend has been there in his life since they were kids, and they have been close ever since. The bride had one of her family members as her maid of honor. This has been a lifelong relationship with lots of ups and downs. They have travelled together and comforted each other in times of need. They have taken care of each other for around two decades! That’s a long relationship and nearly all of their lives. Both the bride and groom have very close friends, which is awesome and will help them for the rest of their lives.

Legal Matters

Marriage, from a legal sense, is a binding contract tying people together. When we got married we went down to the court house and obtained a marriage license. We could have been married on the spot as long as we had a witness and person licensed to marry us. That would have been a lot cheaper, but not as fun as getting married surrounded by friends and family for a ceremony. When the paperwork is completed (and the marriage is consummated) both persons are tied together for life. That is the case unless it is annulled, divorce occurs, or one person dies.

Silk Sheets

When I got married I did not feel as if I had as tight of a friend group as my friends who got married recently. It was awesome seeing how both of them, the bride and groom, have had friends for all or nearly their entire lives. I’m not exactly sure of the cause, but I had a hard time with friends during my childhood. I had more friends while I was younger and that quantity reduced as I neared college. This seems to be normal for most everybody, but it caused me some issues when I was trying to choose groomsmen for my wedding.

Leading up to my wedding I struggled to find people to fill my spots for groomsmen because I didn’t have a lot of friends. I made my best man my older brother, and another groomsmen my younger brother. I had two spots to fill, and was left trying to decide who to choose. I ended up picking a couple great guys that I competed with in track. This worked out good for our ceremony, but I don’t talk to either of them today. We just weren’t that close. My wife chose her best friend at the time to be her maid of honor, and she still talks to her and hangs out with her on occasion. Some of her other bridesmaids were my sister and a couple other friends.

I am amazed and impressed by how close our friends are to their friends and family. They have people investing deeply into their lives, and have people they can talk to or help when they need it. As the header suggests, have a wedding party like “silk sheets.” Show those closest to you that you appreciate them and they are big in your life. They are almost, or are, like family to you. Keep it tightly knit.

Name Changing Game

Traditionally the woman will change her name to take the man’s name when getting married. This isn’t a requirement for marriage, but I am appreciative that my wife chose this route. In recent times people have contributed the name change (and marriage in general) to being a form of ownership over your spouse. I’m not really sure how people arrive at this, because to me this is not the case. We changed her last name and fulfilled the long time running name changing tradition. If it were traditional to change my name to match hers, I would in a heartbeat. For me, the change takes the cohesiveness of the relationship to another level. Here are some of the things I think about when looking at name changing after marriage.

When your names match, people can say things like: Oh look, the Brown’s are here!
Having the same last name shows unity and trust.
Having the same name includes everyone in the family. An example is if my wife and I had 4 kids, more than likely they would have my last name. My wife would be singled out with a different last name.

Keep in mind there aren’t any rules, so it doesn’t really matter. It’s all personal preference. Personally I enjoy having the same last name, but that doesn’t work for everybody depending on their view or place in life.

Unifying Tendencies

The average age that people are getting married is becoming later in life. So why is this? Are people too busy? Have they not met the right person? Marriage isn’t for everybody. There isn’t anything that says people have to get married in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. That would be crazy! It is interesting to me many people are putting it off until later in life.

I think one big influence is a societal acceptance of common marriage benefits. These have been pushed to become “normal dating relationship” benefits. Understand my use of “normal relationship benefits” means they are expected or at least are not looked down upon as much anymore in our society. This doesn’t mean that the different practices are beneficial, but they are more accepted.

People used to, and still do, wait until marriage before having sex. This has grown to become a benefit of dating in a lot of circles and is almost expected.
People have begun getting joint bank accounts together while dating. This did not used to be a common practice, and appears to have risen recently.
People move in together before marriage. This used to be a taboo practice, and has now become normal and is widely accepted.
We have a movement of people becoming single parents. We used to hold both parties more accountable and expect them to be there for their child or children.

The list above is comprised of things that I have noticed. Most, if not all of them, have factual evidence to prove that a relationship started in that manner will not be as successful when compared to couples that can abstain. It can be difficult to keep ourselves living separate lives when we want to be close, but it can make or break the relationship in the long run.

Final Thought

To finish out this post I would like to leave the idea that marriage works best as a selfless act. Yes we should look at the other person from what they can provide to our lives and relationship leading into marriage, but we should work in our relationships to benefit the other person. This is probably one of the most difficult concepts to practice, and to me one of the most important.

The First AHEC

October 14, 2020 / Jacob Brown

Being away from your spouse can be hard. After being married for a few years people tend to grow accustomed to being around their loved one and living a certain lifestyle. My wife and I are experiencing this for sure now that she is learning at a location too far to commute.

AHECs (Area Health Education Centers) allow the medical students to learn from different doctors in different locations. The students are able to find locations that they may want to participate. There are a lot of these programs available, so keep an eye out. Some of these locations are rural, which is where my wife is currently stationed. She is currently staying in a small hotel that is provided by the school. It is nice that we don’t have to directly pay for her to stay at a new location as it is worked into the tuition fees. Paying for her to stay in another city for a week and a half could be pretty expensive for us as well. She is at a small town near Willard, OH working one-on-one with a physician. This doctor works in the internal medicine field at a clinic and is also a hospitalist at a nearby hospital.

Being apart from each other is something that my wife and I have not had to experience regularly. It can be difficult not having dinner together, preparing for bed, or waking up next to each other. This is something that we have grown accustomed to, but we can still be in communication with each other even when at a distance. We have some of the greatest inventions of our time for communication including video chatting. It is nice to be able to see the face of our loved one as we have a conversation and can really help lift them up if they are down.

There are some things that my wife and I are doing to help her keep motivated and more comfortable. My wife took her pillow, which might seem weird, but being able to have a similarity in your bed can help sleep better. She took different snacks and food for breakfast so that she doesn’t have to rush in the morning. These are also the items that she usually enjoys. She drove a new vehicle, which should be more reliable and make her feel more comfortable making commutes.

We have to see the benefits of these kinds of situations.

New medical field experiences.
Experience new medical procedures.
Build independence.
Get your name out there.

It is a new experience, which can make it scary or discomforting. You might be in a hotel that doesn’t meet your standards or have to drive further than you want. This experience will help you learn to fend for yourself and become a better physician.

Keep In Mind

You are going to have new experiences. This is a new situation, so make the most of it. Be prepared (clothes and supplies) for the clinic or hospital in which you are working.

Do what you can to avoid becoming lonely. When you get home from work you may be alone, which will make it different than normal. My wife is used to me being there, and I need to make sure that she feels I am still invested.

Relax and have fun. You are going to experience some new people and procedures.