I have discovered that it is harder to help my wife make decisions in medical school than initially anticipated. There are lots of big decisions that have to be made, now that school is coming to an end. We are looking at residency programs that would be a good fit for us on the next step of the journey to become a physician.
The programs are much more than just school. There is a chance we will be moving depending on the outcome from the Match. So not only does residency affect her, but it will also affect me and our baby that is on the way. If we move, I will end up changing jobs and we will live in a new area. Considering the factors that will directly affect me, how do I help her to make the BEST decision for her while considering myself and our baby?
I want to begin with two common “NO NOs” when it comes to supporting our spouses and SOs. They are more common than you would think and cause lots of friction and falling out of relationships.
You can make the decision, it’s YOUR life.
This is a phrase that I would avoid. I know people say this to their spouse or significant other during this time, but it puts unnecessary pressure on the Medical Student and removes the other party from the situation. The med student cares about the spouse or SOs opinion and refusing to talk through ideas and give advise is lazy and not encouraging.
My wife cares what I feel is the best decision. I tend to rationalize thoughts and find ways to quantify decisions I make when it comes to this type of stuff. It isn’t an easy decision. The med student is trying to make a decision that will affect them now (the next 3-5 years) and ultimately forever as they are choosing their specialty. Finding a way for me to have input isn’t easy either. It would definitely be easier if I just told my wife, “ you pick what’s good for you, I don’t have a preference,” but it doesn’t help. She cares about me, and I her, so I should try to help because she wants what’s best for US, not just herself.
An Unruly Ultimatum
Ultimatums are not good ways of showing you are dedicated. Offering support only if your spouse or SO give in to what we want is a good way to cause friction. If we are in a relationship with our SO that operates off ultimatums, is it worth taking to residency?
Now for some positive points!
Don’t worry about me.
I have a hard time explaining this to my wife, but it’s true. No matter where we go or what we do she shouldn’t worry about me. I have been able to find happiness in our relationship being in Kendallville, IN and Warsaw, IN and Toledo, OH. Why does location matter? I will find some sort of job to help us and we will find a home. I truly feel that as long as we are together I will find happiness. I’m pretty tough and haven’t let anything get to me too bad so far on this journey. We work to keep our marriage strong and I don’t think being in our current location or a new one will change that.
Don’t let my WANTS put you in a spot that doesn’t give you what you NEED.
I joke with my wife that she should have applied for programs in Texas so I could hunt for pigs. It would be really fun and give opportunities for new adventures, but is it what we need? We have realized that being close to family is more important than fun adventures at this time in our lives. There will be time for all the fun adventures, but moving 1,000 miles away so I can hunt pigs during residency isn’t our best decision. It would definitely be fun, but not what is best for our family.
McDonalds is always hiring.
Not only is McDonalds always hiring, so are other fast food chains and businesses. I will find a job anywhere we are because it is what our family needs. I am here to support her and provide what we need to get through school.
Ideally I would find a job in the engineering or manufacturing field, but it may not happen for a while. At least temporarily, I can provide for us in any way needed to have an influx of cash. Residency also pays the doctors, so maybe I will just become that trophy husband early and finally get the abs I’ve always wanted.
We are worth considering, but you are our #1.
Making the residency decision based on our family is important. Very important. We are along for the ride until you finish medical school and we appreciate being considered. That being said, the residency program choices are for the doctor. The doctor is the one attending and will be having the most experiences. We (Charlotte and I) will find ways to make life work. We can change lots but the doctor can change little.
Is it possible?
Yes! I would say the biggest key to not feeling as if I am influencing too much is to talk and communicate. There have been a lot of things discussed that I wanted that she also wanted. If we don’t communicate I would feel as if I want something that she doesn’t. We are a team and are working toward a goal together. Being open to discuss possible changes, wants and needs is a good start.
A final key would be to NOT make demands that are impossible or selfish. It’s okay to state that we don’t want to live somewhere that could be hazardous. Demanding something like, “I am not going with you to residency unless we live in a 10,000 square foot mansion with gold inlaid marble floors is unreasonable.” Well, it is for me but maybe not someone reading this. Is your particular demand truly needed?
For Aleena – We have your back as we are in this together to support you. We want you to become the best doctor possible and will have fun along the way! You got this!
Thanks for sharing. You have articulated we’ll. I enjoy reading about your journey. Continue to keep us posted. We care for you three 😊🙏